Why hasn't dating become equal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Why hasn't dating become equal?
20
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 12:54pm

I wonder why it is in the 21st cen. where we have been working for equal rights for women at least since the 1960's where things haven't changed that much in the dating world. I think that maybe for people in their 20's & under, it does seem to be more equal as far as who is doing the calling--I know that my 14 yr old DS gets called by girls all the time. But for us oldsters, I feel like I'm still in high school.

Why is it that I'm still waiting by the phone (figuratively) hoping that the guy I went out w/ last week is going to call me again or email me? I feel like if I make any contact w/ him it's going to scare him off, even something that has nothing to do w/ dating, like "i bought a new car today." or "thanks for sending me your friend John's divorce case. We finished this week and I think it went well." Well, the 2nd one I probably wouldn't send because I don't want to violate any atty-client confidentiality. I figure maybe his friend will tell him I did such a great job and he will contact me. But here's a guy who mentioned several times that he was going to take me out to lunch and I'm wondering if & when. I know it's only been a week and we're not really strictly dating, but I for one would like to find out if actual dating is a possibility or if it's just going to be more of a casual friendship. I guess the only way I'll really know is by seeing how long it takes him to contact me, but it's very frustrating.

The thing is that I know from experience to hold back. When I first met my 2nd DH, I actually wasn't interested, so I didn't give him any encouragement. I wasn't playing hard to get, it was sincere. And the more I made it hard for him (like only giving him my work no & not telling him where I lived) the more he pursued, so I know it does work, provided of course that the guy is interested.

I guess it's just frustrating to me that we have made a lot of progress as women in the work place and even socially as far as the fact that most men expect to contribute to raising the children and doing things around the house, but when it comes to dating, why are we still in the dark ages? I mean, why can't a woman ask out a man, if she's interested?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 8:39am

I think you have to go with your own style.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 12:10pm

I remember back in college when we would be debating whether we should ask someone out--my roommate's BF would say "well, you're not going out w/ him now, so if you ask him out and he says no, then you're basically the same as you are now" except for the embarrassment of course. But maybe he had something there.

I forget what I wrote on my 1st post, but I did initiate the getting together by suggesting that if he was in the area, he might like to meet me for lunch. I felt I had to do this since the last time I saw him I was married and now I'm div, which he wouldn't know & it's not something you just throw into conversation "Hey, I'm divorced now." So at first we were going to do lunch, then because of his work schedule, we ended up doing dinner. So on Fri I emailed him about something else, he did write back, but he didn't suggest getting together again (even though his last email was "I still owe you a lunch.) Now at this point, I don't want to say "Hey, how about that lunch you owe me." I do figure that if he's at all interested, he will call.

What gets me is that there are women who have been dating a guy for months, but who still won't call or suggest getting together. After I am actually in a rel, I don't think it matters who calls who or how much or who called the last time--when I was dating the guy who became my 2nd DH, I never gave that a though, but basically we were in touch every day at least by email. If I wanted to call him I'd just call. He was very much a non-sexist person though and not into traditional male-female roles.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 1:50pm

I think that BF is right on the money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 3:37pm
I think you had a good idea and in a way it's like high school kids inviting someone to the prom--you know you need a date so the person can say yes and just go to this specific event w/o feeling the pressure of continuing the relationship if he didn't want to. Unfortunately I don't have any events, parties or anything like that to go to. Mostly I either am w/ my family or girlfriends--I have been working on increasing my network of female friends lately. If I knew people who actually had real parties I might have a chance of meeting someone in real life. The last party I went to was my friend's "thank you" party to everyone who had helped her in her job search of 6 months, now that she found a job. It was all women! I didn't know that in banking (which was her old job) it was a female dominated profession, even at the exec level. I guess that's why she can't meet anyone either. And if I were you, you would probably say "well, why don't you have a party?" I actually don't know enough people, other than my relatives who all live out of state, to have a party. Somehow when I got div, I found out that I am also lacking friends. My ex has a wonderful group of friends--there is one particular single guy who is the host of all the parties. I would really like to be like him and be inviting people to my house all the time, maybe someday I will be. I did go to a couple of parties w/ that group this summer (he had a 50th BD party) and there is one guy there that I would be interested in, but I realize that it's kind of unlikely that I would end up dating a friend of my ex (even though they aren't close friends) because the only time I see the guy is at some event where my ex is also there, so it's hard to get alone time w/ him.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 7:27pm

I've been out of town and missed this thread until now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 7:41pm
I think you're probably right. I do think that when you're a woman in a professional job you just get used to acting kind of assertive. We can't act too feminine or weak at work, then all of a sudden, socially we are supposed to hang back & wait. I think it's probably some kind of Mars/Venus thing. I would never have thought about asking a guy out when I was younger. The only time I did was if I had a dance of prom I would ask someone but only if he didn't go to the same school or wasn't in the same class. But my DD (who's 20) had no problem asking boys to her dances, even though they were in the same class. Her personality must be like mine--I just think she wanted to make sure she had a date & didn't want to wait around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 11:50am

Just for the sake of discussion .

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-24-2009 - 2:32pm

I can only say what works for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Fri, 11-06-2009 - 4:00am

Men respect women who take an active role. I find it hard to respect someone that just waits around for others to take the initiative, whether it is in business or relationships or anything else.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 11-06-2009 - 9:22am

I agree with you.

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