Wondering if I'm just being too hard on him ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2010
Wondering if I'm just being too hard on him ....
4
Thu, 02-21-2013 - 8:38pm

I started dating this guy at the end of Dec 2012 and things moved pretty quickly for him. In the middle of Jan 2013, he told me he cared for me very much, he wanted to be in a relationship with me at some point, and keeps talking about marriage.  I told him that was too fast for me and I just wanted things to happen naturally.  I'm also not moving fast with him because he just got out of a relationship at the end of Nov 2012.  He has an obsession with Jordan sneakers (He has 80 pairs that he doesn't wear) and he told me when we first met that he just loves to spend money. We live in the same city but he works (and lives in hotel ) in another city most of the time, so we had to celebrate Valentine's Day on the weekend (on Saturday), which was fine.  He purchased two more pairs Jordans before that weekend.  So, he arrived in town on Friday and he went to a party.  On Saturday, he went to a day party and called me while on his way to tell me that he didn't have enough money take me out on our Valentine's date that night and that he wanted to reschedule when he gets back to town 3 weeks later. 

Even though I'm not trying to get married right now, I'm 29 years old and I want to be in a serious relationship with that will lead to marriage one day.  He did apologize for "making a bad decision" and I pretty much forgave him because I know people make mistakes.  But I'm also thinking I'm making a mistake my entertaining him after that happened. I'm not sure what to do...Help! Undecided

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I agree that I would be annoyed if a guy said that he didn't have money to take me out after buying something that he didn't need--and how old is he that he doesn't have a credit card?  Someone who can't manage their money & spends it on frivolous purchases is not someone who would be good marriage material.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

musiclover12 wrote:
<p>I agree that I would be annoyed if a guy said that he didn't have money to take me out after buying something that he didn't need--and how old is he that he doesn't have a credit card?  Someone who can't manage their money &amp; spends it on frivolous purchases is not someone who would be good marriage material.</p>

Sasha2010-

My educated guess is that was just an excuse to avoid seeing you since he is losing interest for whatever reason. Either way, it doesn't bode well for you. Just let him go.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

sasha2010 wrote:
<p>I started dating this guy at the end of Dec 2012 and things moved pretty quickly for him. In the middle of Jan 2013, he told me he cared for me very much, he wanted to be in a relationship with me at some point, and keeps talking about marriage.  I told him that was too fast for me and I just wanted things to happen naturally.  I'm also not moving fast with him because he just got out of a relationship at the end of Nov 2012.  He has an obsession with Jordan sneakers (He has 80 pairs that he doesn't wear) and he told me when we first met that he just loves to spend money. We live in the same city but he works (and lives in hotel ) in another city most of the time, so we had to celebrate Valentine's Day on the weekend (on Saturday), which was fine.  He purchased two more pairs Jordans before that weekend.  So, he arrived in town on Friday and he went to a party.  On Saturday, he went to a day party and called me while on his way to tell me that he didn't have enough money take me out on our Valentine's date that night and that he wanted to reschedule when he gets back to town 3 weeks later. </p><p>Even though I'm not trying to get married right now, I'm 29 years old and I want to be in a serious relationship with that will lead to marriage one day.  He did apologize for "making a bad decision" and I pretty much forgave him because I know people make mistakes.  But I'm also thinking I'm making a mistake my entertaining him after that happened. I'm not sure what to do...Help! <img src="/forums/sites/all/libraries/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-undecided.gif" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" border="0" /></p>

This man believes that spending money on Jordans is more important than spending it on you. 

Plenty of people have hobbies where they collect things they don't need.  Some women collect melamime dinnerware and have to have every piece ever made or else they will fall into a black hole and never escape; others collect Hummel figurines; some men collect civil war memorabilia, WWII memorabilia, etc., etc.  I recently saw a story on TV on a guy who's got a ginormous collection of hot sauces and he's outfitted his living room into a show place for them (he also writes a blog about them and considers himself a connoisseur).  He makes thousand dollar purchases each month, some of which he doesn't tell his wife about. 

Difference being: he can afford his house and he doesn't totally neglect his wife--or at least not to the point where she's looking to get out (unless things have changed since that story aired).

Your guy can't afford a basic thing like taking you out for V-day--it's not like no one knows what day it falls on each year. 

I don't begrudge him having a collection thing, as many people do. What I do begrudge him is acting as if he wants a relationship with you without agreeing to enter into the obligation that an exclusive, committed relationship demands--and occasionally, that is time and money spent on you for special occasions. The world will not end if he doesn't buy another pair of sneakers, but as far as he's concerned, it will and it doesn't matter if you get dropped off at the mall while he goes and does it.

To stay with him means you're OK with this.  You need to decide if you are, if he's worth it being neglected on important days, if it's worth you probably having to do a lot of the financial heavy lifting should you get married because he's making Jordan purchases a priority over everything else in your lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
He's impulsive - the quick "care-for-you-so-much" and his lack of control over buying shoes or being unable to budget like a grownup, are all signs of impulsivity. I would guess you are far more practical. Usually having opposites feels like a nice balance at first, then chafes like a bad wound over time.
 
I had a girlfriend once who was horrible with money while I am really good with money. When I met her she was in debt, first we fought a few times since she couldn't understand why I wouldn't just blow my cash on whatever. Then she asked me to help her budget better which....wow, that turned into a nightmare as she accused me of me of being too controlling. We fought over that too as I asked her why she wanted me to help if she didn't really want me to help. We eventually broke up, she continues to be in debt.
 
Since you are looking long term, finances are a major issue and a big part of many divorces. Whatever your timeline is with this guy, don't take this lightly. Impulsivity doesn't magically disappear and you have to look at actions, he's already showing you what life with him will be like, whether months or years.