Would This Bother You Guys?? - Need Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Would This Bother You Guys?? - Need Help
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:35am


I REALLY need advice here… I met a guy on match (as I've already mentioned)… We've hung out 3 times so far and everything's great. He asked me to be exclusive with him over the weekend too. He's been very upfront and honest about his situation. I'm 29, he's 36 (will be 37 in august). He's divorced with 2 daughters, 11 and 13 (who I met last night). That doesn't bother me. The one thing about his whole situation that bothers me is not the fact that he has a good relationship with the daughter's mother (she is involved with someone and has been steadily for a while now), but the fact that he lives all the way out east and so when he needs to go to a job in nassau (almost 40 mins away) he'll sometimes stay at the house with the ex (or without her when she's staying at the boyfriend's) and the daughters. I am kind of uncomfortable with this and I told him so. He told me there is nothing to worry about, there is absolutely nothing going on there, that they're just good friends now and that she even knows about me and I'll probably meet her sometime soon. I've never dated a divorced guy with kids so I don’t know how to handle this. I just know that he's been very honest and upfront about everything else, he's gone out of his way to be respectful and to treat me right so far, but this one thing just makes me a little uncomfortable. I really need advice on this..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 4:09pm

Well, I do think that if they wanted to be "together"... they would be... and perhaps they're just 2 people who recognize that they were crappy being married, and are better off NOT being married.

That said.... my EX frequently takes shower at my house, usually on the afternoons when he's taking the kids out for a while.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 10:09am

If the ex has a relationship of her own, this doesn't look like something to worry about. I would worry if the ex did not have a boyfriend because it could be that she was letting him stay at her house and so forth because she hadn't really "let go" of the relationship. This doesn't seem to be the case here.

Like Karen, I have remained friendly with my ex. Unlike her, I am not always comfortable with having him in and out of my house when he has to pick up our son. But that is more because of my own "space" issues than because I don't feel friendly toward him. (One of the things my ex and I quarrelled about constantly before the divorce was how he'd make messes for me to clean up. So when he comes into my house bringing lunch that he picked up for himself and son and they leave the kitchen table in a messy, sticky condition when they are done eating, it pushes old buttons.) But I figure it is only for a couple more years, that it will get less and less as the kid drives himself around more, and that it is good for the kids that their dad is welcome in our house.

The important thing, from the point of view of anyone that might be dating my ex would be that my ex and I are really not at all interested in ever getting back together. Ours is more a "sibling" sort of relationship at this point.

As Karen says, the friendly (but not "intimate") relationship with the ex is a good thing. It shows that there aren't a lot of emotional issues still bubbling, and it also shows that the guy is capable of friendship, of letting a relationship end peacefully. This is not unimportant when you are looking at a potential long term relationship.

Good luck!