Do I Stay or Do I Go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Do I Stay or Do I Go?
11
Tue, 07-29-2014 - 5:18pm

I usually prefer giving advice and just reading other people's advice instead of posting my own boring dating stories, but I decided to share and just get a feel for what people think. 

A little about me...I have been very single for about 4 years...no kids and never been the type to search for a guy or get anxiety about not having kids yet (im 30). I met a guy about 2 months ago...Im the type of person who can go years without really liking someone and then I can just feel a crazy spark out of nowhere. Anyways...we met and ever since then we have been pretty consistently hanging out. We've been pretty consistently intimate as well (about 3 weeks after meeting) and he "seems" to like me. My problem is for one...his phone skills suck. Im so used to texting/talking with somebody consistently...especially in the beginning. He seems to text maybe once a week and then other than that just to make plans. When we hang out everything is so great...he seems all about me and very affectionate and always asking questions...and then when we part we usually talk the same day and then it can go a few days without us speaking, which bothers me...but at the same time I feel like its a pointless subject to bring up to him since you can't force somebody to want to speak to you.

I guess my bigger issue is that...the very first night we hung out we had this amazing time...I know we were both drunk but he was just syaing all these things like "wow this never happens to me" and we just seemed to really "click". But ever since then...I just have NO idea how he feels about me. I have a lot of male friends and they always complain to me about girls they are seeing so I try not to act like those women and give men their space. However,  Im used to a guy texting and saying he misses me or something affectionate and it just doesnt happen with him. Its confusing because he can go 3-4 days without spekaing to me but then will ask to see me on the weekends and its like we never stopped talking. Ive had friends tell me thats not normal and that in the beginning a guy should be especially crazy about you and want to see you all the time and talk to you at least once a day and other friends have said every guy is completely different...he may just take things very slowly and not let a new girl consume his whole life and is just taking his time in getting to know me.

So my thing is...Its only been 2 months...I dont want to be the one to have "the talk" with him because I feel like its always more sincere if the guy brings it up...instead of asking how they feel about you and getting some pity response about how they like you they are just figuring things out or whatever. I think hes a great guy and I want to go with the flow...but how long do I go with the flow before i see that he is just passing the time with me and is just comfortable hanging out once a week and doing his own thing. My ex was back and forth with me for about a year before we made it official and he was the most amazing boyfriend I ever had and we were together for 5 years and it was well worth the wait (Granted you guys may say well you broke up, but I dont necessarily believe everything has to last forever in order to be amazing and take you to the next chapter in your life).

My question is this....how can I find out how he feels about me without having to push him in a corner? And how do I know if hes just taking his time with me or if Im wasting mine and to walk away?

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 07-29-2014 - 7:23pm

It occurs to me that if he wanted to date you, he would be doing that.  DATING you.  Not just 'hanging out", and then having sex, then ignoring you till he wants sex again.  Maybe you should have found out how he feels about you, before you slept with him. 

If you want to find out how he REALLY feels, instead of "hanging out",  tell him you want to go to the theater, a concert, a nice restaurant, a comedy club, a dance club, an art gallery, out with other couples.  And stop having sex.  If you must tell him something other than, "not tonight", say that you think you should slow things down.  I can pretty much guarantee that you will be able to figure things out, quickly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Tue, 07-29-2014 - 8:50pm

I agree I think he is using you as his weekend "entertainment" . If you have strong feelings for him you should probably stop hanging out with him to avoid getting hurt. Or you could ask him what his intentions are..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 12:14am

I think maybe there was a misunderstanding of when I said "hanging out". I just use the term hanging out as in I see him and hang out...I didnt by any means mean that we dont go on actual dates or that Im not "dating" him. I think only once out of the many times that we have "hung out" we just stayed in and watched a movie. Other than that he has definitely taken me out on dates pretty much every time we see each other and invites me out when he is out with his friends as well. I dont think there is anything wrong with having sex with somebody you are dating either if you are both adults and both want to have sex. I never questioned him using me for sex...in fact I've slept over a few times and we didn;t have sex. I think instead of getting my question answered you jumped at the chance to attack me and seem more judgemental than helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 12:14am

I think maybe there was a misunderstanding of when I said "hanging out". I just use the term hanging out as in I see him and hang out...I didnt by any means mean that we dont go on actual dates or that Im not "dating" him. I think only once out of the many times that we have "hung out" we just stayed in and watched a movie. Other than that he has definitely taken me out on dates pretty much every time we see each other and invites me out when he is out with his friends as well. I dont think there is anything wrong with having sex with somebody you are dating either if you are both adults and both want to have sex. I never questioned him using me for sex...in fact I've slept over a few times and we didn;t have sex. I think instead of getting my question answered you jumped at the chance to attack me and seem more judgemental than helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 7:28am

'...My question is this....how can I find out how he feels about me without having to push him in a corner? And how do I know if hes just taking his time with me or if Im wasting mine and to walk away?'

You can't and there's no way of knowing, at this stage. All you can do for now is absolutely nothing. It's only been two months, and you are young (yes, 30 is young). What I would do now is, like I said, nothing. Don't initiate anything, especially not any relationship talks which are,  imho, a waste of time at ANY stage in a new r-ship, if he wants to be with you he will let you know and if he doesn't he'll just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Don't be needy, clingly, full of questions about how he feels and thinks - which you aren't anyway so be just as you are. Give it time - I'd say up to 6 months or so and see what happens. It can go both ways and yes, all men and all r-ships are different. All you can do at this stage is wait and see.I have to say, it has never happened to me that something serious materialised with someone who only texted me once a week to arrange dates but then ..who knows..

In the meantime, don't put your life on hold and if you get a chance to go on a date with someone else, by all means do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 9:52am

Thank you Julia. I agree with you about Sabr...every comment I have seen her leave has been judgemental and rude.

I appreciate your advice and I guess you are right....I think hes a good guy and maybe just go with the flow for now and i'll either get sick of the pace of things or maybe things will start progressing. I totally agree that there is no point in talking to the guy because you'll never know if he's telling the truth or just being nice. Guess I will just see how things go...

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 10:43am

I don't think asking him how he feels about you is backing him into a corner. I see this issue come up over and over on these boards. Women who are kind of dating a guy, hanging out, they want the real-deal but are afraid that isn't what the guy wants, don't want to push him away, and so don't ask the hard questions, even though really they should not be hard.

You have a right to want what you want from a relationship. If you want casual, that's cool, if you want exclusive, that's cool too. Don't be afraid of going after what you want. You seem to me to want a real exclusive relationship. Currently you don't have that with this guy. So tell him straight out it's what you want. Ask him how he feels about you. If he is not on the same page as you, then let him go. It's ok. The idea of dating is to weed out the guys that are not going to work for you, and move on to one who eventually will. You have to be prepared to let them go and not worry about scaring them away.

I do think in your case the lack of communication from him during the week does not present to me a sign of a guy who is really into you. As others have said, usually the beginning is a time of a lot of communication.

You have two months invested so far. Not much time. I think you are coming up on the time when couples usually transition from dating to exclusivity. Seems like thats usually after a few months in to the dating or so. So I think you need to find out and decide what you will do fairly soon. One thing you might take into consideration is being intimate without exclusivity. Have you considered he might be sleeping with others, since you haven't had the "talk" yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 10:56am

If I was in your shoes, I'd give it another 2 months of letting him make most of the effort. At the 4 month mark, I think you have the right to know for your own good, what the relationship is for him. As for me, if a man hasn't decided by the 4th month to be exclusively dating me, then I don't want to be giving the gift of my body to someone who doesn't care if I date others, and he's free to be dating others. If he hadn't decided by that point, then I would think he's just not that in to me, and the relationship is not for me.

I would say, "We've been dating for four months. How do you like to go about things when you're dating? Does it take you a long time to decide if you want to be exclusive with someone, or are you the type who wants exclusivity to see where the relationship can go?" It's also helpful to have a general discussion about his past relationships. Have they been brief or longterm? This would show you what his pattern may be. If he wants to be exclusive, you can bring up how you'd love to hear his voice once a day, and would he mind if you called him once in a while, and tell him you'd love it if he called you once in a while to chat.

When you're afraid of losing someone by expressing your own needs, it means that the relationship isn't the right one for you. Remember that you are the only one looking out for you. Communicate how you want things to be. Sometimes guys are clueless and not used to behaving in a certain way. When you tell them, if they care, they will make the effort. If they don't care, they won't. 

If the relationship doesn't progress to how you like things to be, don't settle. The pros have to outweigh the cons. When you settle, you will miss out on Mr. Right when he comes along because you haven't cut loose Mr. Wrong. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 11:17am

I pretty much agree with Safire's advice.  I think people have their own ideas about how much they should communicate when they start dating.  It has really been a long time since I had a serious relationship start and that was with my exH.  when we first started dating we did used to either talk on the phone or send long emails to each other every night--this was before texting.  Now that I'm older, in a way I'd find it a little annoying (I think) for someone to be in constant contact.  I know that I don't really like having text conversations--I'd rather use texting just for making plans and I don't like talking on the phone all that much either--I don't call my good friends and have long chats.  I agree that you can't force someone to talk to you, but you can make a suggestion and see how he responds--like "I know we don't talk much between seeing each other.  Do you dislike talking on the phone?  I'd like it if you called me sometimes to talk."  I think that it's good to express to someone what you like and then see if they follow up--that means it's not nagging or making them do something, but you find out if the guy is willing to do things to make you happy.  I also think that it's significant that when you are together, you get along easily and he seems to be into you.  

Is there some reason that you can't see each other during the week, like work schedules?  Back to my ex--at the time we were single parents of kids who were young enough to need babysitters.  The relationship progressed as we got more serious.  He didn't have his DD on Thursday nights so that was our regular date night.  Then my kids were with their dad on Tues. also plus EO Sat. night.  I started staying over his house on Sat. when I didn't have my kids.  Then I started going over there every Tues. for dinner, then he would even come over with his DD and stay at my house on weekends--I mean this was after a couple of years when we were talking about getting married.  It definitely didn't happen all at once.  I do think 2 months is too soon to talk about where is this going because you don't even know each other that well.  I think instead of asking him how he feels, which is putting him on the spot--what is he going to say? that at some point you should have the talk about whether or not you both agree to be exclusive.  That seems to be the way things go nowadays--it's the old "going steady" (that was  like in my parent's time).  If you see that after a couple of more months, things are not progressing--he still only sees you on weekends, doesn't call you during the week and isn't saying anything about being exclusive, then you should bring things up.  

I am also thinking about a friend of mine who is almost 60, a widow, and definitely looking to get married again as opposed to just casual dating,  this guy I know asked her out but everybody but him could see they were just not right for each other, although she liked him as a friend.  so she recently met another guy who she is getting serious with.  I ran into the first guy and we were talking about her new BF and he said "she really wanted to get married."  My point is that she was very clear about what she wanted for her future and was not afraid to say it, like don't waste my time if your goal isn't the same as mine.  If you are willing to go with the flow and just see what happens, that's fine, but how do you see yourself in the future?  Is getting married important to you?  Would you be fine with living together?  Do you want kids in the future or don't you care one way or another?  I think when you can be clear about waht you want, then it's easier to find a compatible guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Thu, 07-31-2014 - 11:09am

Thank you guys for the great advice. I relaly read it all and took it all into consideration. The whole "scared of having a talk with him and scared of pushing him away" is really just my personal issue. Because at the end of the day I KNOW what is right and I KNOW if a guy likes you he would be happy to hear that you want to be exclusive and nothing you say can really scare him off. It just really sucks because I always feel like if i play it cool and don't act pushy and just give the guy his space and freedom then he will come to me...and he will think oh wow shes a cool girl and she's not clingy and blah blah. But that hasnt seemed to happen.

The thing with me is that yes i eventually want kids and i'm not huge on marriage even though if i found the perfect partner i wouldn't be against it...however I am more of a live in the moment type of person. I don't put too much into worrying about the future and if somebody fits into my idea of a perfect husband..maybe thats wrong or maybe thats right...i dont know...every human is different. But I do want to know if hes at least seeing other people or how he feels about me. I would like to at least know that he considers taking me seriously and if asking him that chases him away then I am better off knowing sooner than later. If it's one thing I know I am strong enough to walk away no matter how hurt I am, no matter how great I think somebody is. I will give it about a month more and then have to muster up the courage to find out where I stand...because I deserve to know. Thanks for everybodys advice I will keep you updated.

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