Long distance relationship anxiety

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Long distance relationship anxiety
2
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 7:00pm

Hey there!  I've known my current boyfriend for a while as a friend, but we've been doing date-like things since the fall and "officially" dating for 3.5 months.  We live 2 hours apart.  It's worked very well so far because I have a very flexible work schedule and he (until recently) has been working independently/remotely.  We're far too soon in the relationship for anyone to move, but because of my job and highly specialized degree, I feel like it would have to be him.  Is it too early to have a conversation about this (i.e. "do you think you could ever see yourself moving to....")  The city he lives in has a population of 600K and the city I live in has a population of 200K, so it's quite a bit of a change (to say the least).  I don't want to scare him away, which is why I can't bring it up.  The truth of the matter is I would move for him if I could, but my job just doesn't permit it.  I try to see him as much as possible and maximize my time with him, but I am also scared that I will just continue to invest an immense amount of time in this relationship only to have him decide "oops, I don't care enough about you to move" (probably mind reading quite a bit there).  I know there are no guarantees in relationships, even those that start with two people in the same city, but I see great potential in this and really, really want it to work out somehow.  I don't know what accommodations I need to make to ensure that, but I'm doing all I can right now.

It's very rare for me to connect with anyone and I've never cared about anyone as much as I care about him.  Just a bit scared that I'm on the path to heartbreak.  However, I see that when people really do care about each other, they often find a way to make it work.  I'm hopeful that if we just continue on this path and things continue to go as well as they have so far, this will work itself out.  Should I be optimistic?  Or am I setting myself up for a fall?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 9:21am

Don't make any major decisions such as moving in together until you have known each other at least a year, and even better two years. You are in the honeymoon period right now, which is fun, but you've barely scratched the surface of who he is at this early point. You've both looked at each other through rose colored glasses and been on your best behavior. At this point, the newness of the relationship will wear away, which is normal, and you'll get to know him as a 3 dimensional person with all of the good and bad. If there are skeletons in the closet, they will most likely come out within the next year, that's one reason it's good to wait to move in together. Some women move in together before this point and then find out the guy is addicted to porn or gambles or some other dealbreaker. If no dealbreakers pop up in this time period, then you know you're on the right path.

Take a wait and see attitude day by day. You need to see how he treats you over the long run, not just at the fun beginning. You are not wasting time right now. These are steps you have to be patient with. Don't make most of the effort during this time. Make equal efforts. You need to make sure he keeps up communicating with you and visiting you of his own accord on a regular basis. If he keeps this up over the next year, that's a great sign. If his interest and effort starts to wane over time, then you have your answer that he's not the one. I hope he's a great guy, but only time will tell. Wait at least a year or even two to have this discussion. Good luck.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 1:03pm

With the information you have provided, I'd say you have a good chance that it will all work out. I guess you can't really know how he might feel about moving until it comes up sometime. Do you know if he has any plans for the future, as in wanting to move somewhere else or a different career/job or something? Perhaps you could bring up the idea of the future but not in terms of you and him but just in general. You might gleen some good info that way.