Mr "Fixer-Upper"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Mr "Fixer-Upper"
9
Sun, 03-30-2014 - 5:49pm

Is it just me or do any of you ladies seem to keep meeting Mr "fixer-upper" online? I have been dating for a while and i have noticed that within the past 2 years or so, i have been meeting mostly men who need to get it together. Men who shouldn't be dating because well... They can't afford to! I have put in so much time and effort into these types of dating situations and i've had enough. I'm tired of meeting guys online who give me the same story that they "just moved here" so they don't have a job, a car, don't have their own place, or all 3. Mind you, these are grown men in their 30's and 40's. I can understand needing to get on your feet because life does happen and i myself have been there. But, i can honestly say that when i was in that place i didn't date because i needed to focus on getting my life together. I have spent so much time talking to guys and giving them the benefit of the doubt while "waiting for them to get a job" in order to be able to afford to take me out or "waiting for their car to get fixed" so they can meet up with me or 'living with their aunt/uncle/grandparent" to help them out. At 1st i fell for it but now i'm getting sick of it. I feel like if you are a man, and you need to get yourself together then please don't go on a dating website if your not prepared to date Why reel us women in and then waste our time! I am looking to settle down again eventually and have a family so i don't have forever. Does anyone else feel the same way or has anyone else noticed that this is a common issue with online dating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-30-2014 - 10:59pm

Interesting ...  My past experience was while there are some losers (in other aspects), everyone except one I met online has a professional job, his own place, decent car, etc.

The thing is, if you don't like these guys, just move on.  It is rather unfair to say, "I feel like if you are a man, and you need to get yourself together then please don't go on a dating website if your not prepared to date Why reel us women in and then waste our time! I am looking to settle down again eventually and have a family so i don't have forever". 

Who is to judge at which point a man (or woman, for that matter), is "allowed" on a dating site?  Other could have said the same thing about you - that unless you have X amount of education and have attained Y level in income and have Z amount in real property, and under a size 8, you should not "reel" a man in and waste his time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 03-30-2014 - 11:13pm

Although you have a point, i did state that "i feel like... " meaning that was my personal opinion which i have formed based on my own experiences. Thanks

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 9:46am

I can't say I've actually met any fixer-uppers in the online dating world. I did meet a man many years ago through the personals who was living with his mother. He was divorced and trying to do calligraphy for a living. But that was just the tip of the iceburg, really. I went out with him once after our initial meeting. Really pathetic.

I'm wondering: do these men you are meeting intially lie about their cirumstance in their profiles and then you find these things out later?

But I do wonder about men on dating sites who are finacially strapped and their lives are in disarray. It doesn't seem like the opportune time for them to be dating. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 4:08pm

Well I have never actually dated anyone who didn't have a job or lived in his mother's basement because I just wouldn't be interested from the beginning.  I know that bad circumstances can happen to anyone and people can be out of work through no fault of their own but I am not interested in supporting anyone either.  The closest I got to that was one guy who had moved in with his elderly mom to help take care of her--she did have a nice house right on the beach.  He had done some kind of internet marketing thing and when I met him seemed to be between jobs, although he did have a college education.  I didn't consider him a loser because of that--we met in person at a meetup type event and I was not interested in dating him but it was because of his personality.  

I do get guys who contact me occasionally and they seem like they are in a very low income bracket and I do wonder sometimes if they contact me because I'm a lawyer and they are hoping that I have money, which I do not.  lol  But I just don't answer them.  I think maybe you are a little gullible so now maybe you won't even bother with this type of man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 7:47pm

FLgrl, exactly! That's what i mean. I meet guys that message me, want to go out but then 2 months later we still haven't met and then he admits to me that he's on house arrest so that's why he hasn't made plans to take me to dinner or he has no car and doesn't wanna take public transportation or he would invite me over but he lives with mom, or grandpa, or baby's mama. Urgh! Why message me in the first place and give me the impression that were going to hang out soon only to string me along and tell me weeks down the line why you can't take me out because you don't have your S*** together. That's annoying. And these are grown men i'm talking about here... Late 30's and pushing 40. I knew this one guy who i talked to and we met up and he wanted me to pay for half of my meal at mcdonalds. I had to pick him up because he had no car and he admitted that he was about to loose his job, needed money, and was sleeping on his friend's floor at his place. A few weeks later, he was calling me out of desperation pretty much telling me that he has no where to live and he lost is job and is looking for a place to stay. I told him that i was a single mom who's struggling to make ends meet myself and that i didn't know him like that so i couldn't help him. Like seriously! It does seem like guys nowadays are looking for either a suger mama or someone to move in with and take care of them. I meet A LOT of guys who don't live on their own and they wanna move in with me. Wtf? Where are the real men!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 7:57pm

Music, i feel the same way and sometimes i wonder if men only wanna date me because they think i'm rich and drive a luxury care. Because i am quite the opposite lol. I mean, even before they know what i do and what i drive, their circumstances still suck for me and i seem to draw in all the fixer uppers. I am starting to think that men see single mothers like myself as gullible and in need of a man to take care of them and their child. My son has a father and i am not seeking a sugar daddy or a baby daddy. I have met a lot of tacky guys online who ask me if i can hook them up with travel privlidges because i work in aviation or automatically think because i drive and they don't have a vehicle that i'm supposed to drive to them and pick them up. Who has the male parts here. I honestly feel like the roles are changing and us females are taking on more of the male roles because the men aren't being much of men anymore. It's sad!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 1:27pm

But you'd think if men had the impression that you were looking for someone to take care of you, then why would an unemployed man with no money think that you'd want to date him?  I wonder if you are giving off some kind of unintended impression from your profile or because you let these guys talk to you for a while because I really haven't had much of this experience.  For example, you mention talking to a guy for weeks--I don't know if you were just exaggerating for effect, but in the first week or 2 wouldn't you ask the guy about his job just for conversation?  Unless he's just lying, wouldn't he start talking about having no job & no home then?  I'd cut him off right away.  And if he asked me to pick him up because he had no car, I'd just say no--first of all, I wouldn't get in a car with someone I didn't know.  I'd insist on meeting separately, so if he didn't have a car, then he could take the bus--and I think that having a car and a job are just minimum requirements.  My friend is seriously involved with a guy who has no car because he's an illegal alien so can't get a license.  He's actually a really nice guy and does have a job (under the table of course) but the driving him around would really get old fast.  I'm just getting out of having to drive my kids around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 7:54pm

Music, the ride thing was in the past and I have not done it since then. We all have done dumb things in our lives, and that was one of mine... No one is perfect!  As far as talking to guys for a wk, that was correct. As I mentioned in my first post, I have given men the benefit of the doubt and I'm tired of doing that at this point. If they told me they were unemployed, I wouldn't just ditch them and run. I tried to look for other positive qualities in them. Now, I'm tired of it. I feel like I am wasting my time and it's happening way too often now. As you say, it has become old and fast!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Thu, 04-17-2014 - 9:13pm

I have had absolutely no luck meeting anyone online. that being said, haven't met anyone that horrible yet, just people who I have not clicked with or they did not click w me. had one 40 year old single dad ask me for gas money which I thought was ridiculous , I was speechless!! I have also met a player or two who initially comes across like he is looking for something serious but ends up he just want to sleep w me.... Its so frustrating. I just took myself of the website cause I need a break lol.