To Try to Date, or not try to Date?
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|Fri, 05-02-2014 - 5:08pm|
I've had a disasterous dating life. Im now 40 years old, and have never been in a serious relationship. I was pretty shy, anxious and awkward around men for a long time. I have worked on low self esteem and anxiety for several years through therapy and with anti depressants. Even though I am a party loving extrovert, I have rarely been asked out on dates. A few one night stands but never when I was sober, and usually a friend or brother of a friend who turned out to alread be in a relationship.
I hav tried online dating for a few years, never met anyone that for me: some were okay, but some impolite, full of themselves or just didnt seem to like the idea of being there. Several said they thought I was nice but too old, as at 35 i was too old to have children. I basically stopped OLD : I dont think men like OLD unless its for sex. Maybe it makes them feel less virile or powerless?
SO...after years of this nonsense, after I turned 36, I resigned myself to the fact I'd not have a family/children and probably needed to get used to being alone.
Of course, as I have got older I have no problem being shy or awkward and its MUCH less stressful.I wish I wasnt single but I am. But I have a busy work life and meet a lot of people. And a few guys I have met through work in the different cities I work in have been in touch, suggesting dinner or a drink if I am back in that city. On one occasion I declined after a work meeting, as I had a huge deadline. Another guy in another city has been in touch for months but our diaries never coincide...and I admit I kind of put him off as he seemed quite serious.
I am luke warm about the two of them. But then 2 mths ago I met a great guy I really liked : we talked for several days on an assignment, went for a drink or two and tallked for hours and hours, had lots in common. I thought he seemed kind of into me. It felt very normal. and I really really found him interesting, fun, and bright. We both left the country - saying we would stay in touch. But he didnt even reply to an email I sent (yes, I waited 3 days and then I did send him an email first!!!!) or seem to want to get in touch. I actually went through the whole "does he like me? will he ever call?" checking my emails 10 times a day. Nothing. He was in a serious relationship until 18 mths ago, and I know he is single again. Guess he didnt even want to stay friends?
I ask myself: why do I do this? Isnt it easier to not like anyone??!!!! So Ive not even followed up with the other two guys - Im not even sure i liked them.
Yesterday at a party a really cute guy (married, late 40s) who is here on business. Ive met him a few times through friends before. This time he asked me why i was single. I said I was probably quite shy when I was younger. He said he thought I was funny and confident and liked chatting to me - he didnt see any problem at all, I seemed fine. I was kind of embarrassed. He wasnt any more fliratious than I was with him (arms around each others shoulders a few affectionate squeezes) but then he invited me back to his hotel ...I went in a casual kind of way and it was fine. We chatted for ages. But I made sure I was appropriate, not overtly sexual or flirattious and even after a few drinks I was very very conscious of not assuming he wante sex, Noting happened (we talked) I left at about 3am to go home. I didnt get any vibe that he was trying to have sex. In some ways I think I was a bit dismissive of certain things (dumb women, girls who cry, people who are over emotional). I think part of him may have been shocked, and maybe he even disliked me for it. I have seen him since and he seemed a bit distant.
I feel a bit silly now. Was that silly to even worry about what i was doing? I know I was maybe harsher than I nornally am,and I feel DUMB. But it doesnt matter, if hes married, right as I wasnt even interested (or maybe I kind of was but didnt even let that thought develop). I stopped myself thinking "what could have happened? should I have tried to push it a bit?" after all, Im not getting sex with anyone else!!
And what about these other two guys? Next time should I just meet them for fun, or try to have a one night stand, or just go along with anything cos theres nothing better? I know Im slightly overweight at the moment and so I feel less confident than usual.
But Im not sure whether to even think aboiut dating again or not? I feel every day now Im getting older, missing any chances. if I get some attention now, it will surely only get worse as I get older? I hate the pain of attraction, dating etc. Maybe thats w hy i was dismissive to the hotel guy? In reality I know Id like to not be single, and meet these guys, but I still feel the SHY me inside, feeling awkward, lpow self esttem (which i still struggle with)
People say " when it feels right its easy". Ive said that all my life - and so far NOTHING that has felt vaguely right has worked out with any guy and it seems like an awful lot of pain for something that other people seems so easy - even people who dont seem to have much going for them or have no confidence or seem REALLY needly and unstable.
I *really* dont know what to do. Do I need a tactical change. Tor date or not to date? that is the question. Remember I'm bad at it and it only leads to awkardness and pain.