Wait or contact ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Wait or contact ?
Tue, 07-08-2014 - 12:49am

I hope you all still remember my previous discussion "Am I being to rushy" about my date who fell asleep when we supposed to go out.  He has never stood me up after that happened.  

I start to like this guy and see him as potential BF, not just a casual/time passer date.   But I don't really know his feeling, where he wants this thing to go.  I guess I will just enjoy it at the moment.  I have known him since early May through online.  We have been seeing each other regularly at least once/twice a week (date night at weekend or sleepover during weekday) keeping in touch sometimes everyday or every 2/3 days.  

The last time we met (for weekday DVD watching and sleepover) is on wednesday night, meaning we say bye bye chat later on Thursday morning to go to work.   He got an uncle and family visiting from abroad that Thursday afternoon for a week.  Well, since that day until now (5 days), he never contact me, not even a "hi, are you still alive" message he sometimes sent me.

Usually, he initiates contacts more than me, but during the last time we met, I initiated the last 2 contacts until that bye bye day.

I wonder should I contact him first or just wait until he contact me again.  He might be busy spending time with his uncle, also taking his kids to see his uncle while they're here.  But I know he is not the type of shy guy, meaning he will contact when he wants to.

I really want to contact him, but considering that I initiated the last 2 contacts and I need to know if he still wants to see me, I feel reluctant.  

Opinios will be much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 07-08-2014 - 10:09am

The first nine weeks of being intimate and getting to know each other, is usually a time of hormones going crazy and a couple being high on each other. If I'm crazy about someone, I'd look forward to speaking to them at least once a day. Frankly, if he can go this long without communicating with you, then I think he's just not that in to you. I don't care what's going on his life now. Even if he has relatives visiting, a person can say, "Excuse me, but I'm dating someone and I'm just going to make a 5 minute phone call to see how she is." Why don't you think about what you want in a relationship and don't accept any less? It's actually a disadvantage for women to have sex with a man so soon after meeting, since there are hormones released in a woman when she has sex with a man, which makes her want to bond with a man, even if he's not right for her. 

No, I would not contact him. At this point, I would leave all of the effort to him and not suggest any get togethers. If he does suggest getting together, for the time being, make it an activity and avoid spending the night and having sex. If he is more interested in getting to know you as a long term partner instead of just getting a regular sexual encounter, he will continue to set up dates with you. If he waits until Thursday to ask you out for Friday, tell him you have plans with girlfriends. Let him know you are a person of value and he has to treat you right to keep you in his life. If you act like a doormat, you will be treated like one. If you accept all of the crumbs he throws at you and act like you're grateful, he'll continue to throw you crumbs or even starve you, but you'll still be there waiting for that phone call.

Since you are not exclusive and he has recently regressed, I'd be open to dating others. Make plans with girlfriends and keep your life active with hobbies so your universe doesn't revolve around a man. I'd give him another 2 months to show whether or not he is long term material. Like I said, let him make all of the effort from now on. If he texts, reply, but never be the first to. Let him ask for the date, not you. If he says lets hang out at my house, suggest an activity that keeps you out of the house and not having sex to determine his interest in you and not just sex. In the meantime, if he doesn't meet your needs of how you like to be in a relationship, let him go. I don't care how sexy, cute and fun he is. You have to hold out for a man who is crazy about you and makes sure you know it. As for me, at the four month mark of dating, if a man hasn't suggested we be exclusive, then I'd be outta there. You're worthy of someone who wants you all to himself and doesn't want to share. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-08-2014 - 10:38am

I suggest that you read the book Why Men Love B!tches--it doesn't really mean that you should act like a b!tch or be mean to men but that you should have your own life and not live your life around waiting for a man to call, which I have been so guilty of when I was younger--I wouldn't make plans with my friends for the weekend because I'd be hoping for a guy to call and then when he didn't call and the weekend came, then I'd be stuck with nothing to do.  You should go on living your life (and dating other guys) until he shows you that he really cares about you.  He'll realize that he has to plan ahead to make sure he spends time with you.   

Now the sex thing is tricky.  I have been married twice and with both of them, we started having sex on the 3rd date or so.  But we still had actual dates.  It was a little different w/ my 2nd DH because we both had kids so sometimes I did just go to his house and we couldn't go out but he always made me dinner and at least once a week when his DD was at her grandmother's we would always go out.  It seems to me that younger people now get stuck in this rut where they only hang out at the house watching TV and then having sex--that requires no effort at all.  Not that it's not good to stay home and relax sometimes but I do think you want to see more effort to do fun things early in a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Tue, 07-08-2014 - 10:41pm

Hello Safire, 

I still open for my heart for others all this time of course.  Actually I also see another guy.   It's just that I like this guy more than the other guy and my mind "concentrate" more on him.   

Yes, the ball is in his court now.   We'll see.  Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Tue, 07-08-2014 - 10:58pm

Hello musiclover,  Yes I have read that book.  Its not like I always waiting for his call, hehehe.  Its just that its strange if  we haven't heard from someone we like and see regularly.  I just wondered what has happened.

In my previous relationship, I also had  sex on 2nd or 3rd date and then we dated for more than a year.  I think even if you waited 2 months for sex, then if he lost interest, boom, he still gone.

We also do activities, not only sex and hangout at his house.   I know he has done his effort to show he likes me.  Only God knows what is going on in his head at this moment.

We will see. Thanks

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-09-2014 - 3:33pm

I'd say the ball is in his court now. If someone cannot be troubled to at least send a text to ask how you are, or to let you know they are still alive, then I question their overall intentionsgoals toward the relationship.

It is looking more like his head is living is casual dating land and your heart is starting to travel over to exclusive land, even though you two apparently have not had the exclusive discussion yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Thu, 07-10-2014 - 12:15am

Hello Khatru,

I like what you said "It is looking more like his head is living is casual dating land and your heart is starting to travel over to exclusive land".  I will still open my heart for others and keep him in my radar

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 07-10-2014 - 6:02pm

  Him having relatives could be a reason why he is not contacting you.   You do not know what the dynamics are.   My father once saw someone I was dating and said she was not pretty enoughFrown so there might have a relative with  whom he keeps at arm's lenght.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2013
Wed, 07-16-2014 - 1:54pm

Just wanna say Im going through something very similar and as much as it hurts to hear the truth, I really appreciate this response. Its really hard to walk away when you have no answers and things seemed so great. But at the end of the day, you need to realize your worth. Im still very upset and keep staring at my phone, havent spoke to my guy in about a week...but I refuse to recah out. I'm done chasing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Sun, 07-20-2014 - 10:23pm

Hi Silver,  im sorry to hear that.  I refused to reach out as well, but he has already contacted me, but still don't know where this is going.  

I always keep in mind, not to get too excited about it.  I will see where the wind blows and just go with the flow.  Will still open my heart for others.  Big hug for you.