My bf can't keep an erection! is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
My bf can't keep an erection! is it me?
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 1:05pm
I love my boyfriend and my boyfriend loves me but he can't seem to keep an erection. I mean it starts out fine but then into it, he goes limp. He doens't understand what it is as well. He says that its not me but that is very hard to believe.

well when i started to get really upset about it, he thought about it and explained it to me but it just doesnt' make sense. So here is what he said. He said that before he started dating me, he used to give himself handjobs( sorry can't think of any other way to put it) everyday, literally. even when he had other girlfriends he still did it everyday. well when we started having sex, he siad he had stopped giving it to himslef, and ever since then its been hard for him to get hard. He also said before when he did used to do it everyday, he would literally get hard over every little thing, like being sleepy or going over bumps and etc.

To me that just doens't make sense...if he stopped doing it to himself, wouldnt' that make a guy more horny since he is not releasing it himself? Is it me? is he not attracted to me? he swears that its not taht...that he thinks i'm the most beautiful women he has ever met...but i just feel like he is just saying that to comfort me? I feel so bad b/c i dont want to lose him but isn't it true that if there is no sexual attraction the relationship won't last? Or he'll end up cheating to get pleased? I dont' know what to do. I love him so much but if i can't please him then won't he look else where? please any advice would help...i feel awful and my self esteem is just down the drains right now. i've never ever experienced any problems even similiar to this. what hurts more is that he said he has never experienced problems w/ any other girl either so is he just not attracted to me? could the handjobs really affect him that much? Anyone????


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 1:24pm

First of all, if he is having problems keeping an erection, he should see a urologist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 1:46pm
I agree with Tish. The more bad you make him feel about it, the more it's going to happen. He will get so nervous that it will never get up.

I dated a guy before that was so nervous around me (cause I'm that he came out and said that he didn't want to have sex for a while. So I thought, oh what a nice guy. But then a month two months into it, he tell me that if he gets really nervous, it won't go up. So, I let him feel so comfortable around me in any way I could. I said, 'Well, I don't think that will happen if I do this...." And I got him so turned on that there was no chance it was going down. So, I suggest that you get him very excited and it will benefit both of you. Call him during the day and say something dirty that gets him going. Then he will have all day to think about it. And also, make him comfortable, you know, you are doing the total opposite right now.

If that doesn't work, then maybe he should see a doctor. But don't mention that untill you've tried other things.

OH. If you just lay there too and don't do anything, that could do it too....I'm not saying you do, but IF you do, then don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 1:48pm
Thanks for your reply...but he isn't on any medications and so if he didn't have any problems w/ other girls, then why me? i mean i really never even brought it up until last night. It really doesnt' rule out the fact that maybe i just can't please him, in which case...can a relationship even work if your not pleased sexually?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 2:53pm

Things like this can happen at any time and it can happen for many different

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:07pm
As frustrating as it is ED (erectile dysfunction) most of the time is cause by physical problems.

I can just about 100% guarantee you are in no way the cause.

You are affected, very much so, but you not the reason. Its frustrating for you becsue you don't have any power to correct the problem.

The place to start is a vist to the doctor to try and determine what the underlying cause might be and there are many, almost all physical in nature.

In the , mean while your might a want to consider joining:

This is group of women who’s partners suffer with ED you will find tremendous incite there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:11pm
but he has never had a problem with anyone other girlfriends he has had in the past??? he hasn't really changed anything since then except the handjob thing? does that make sense thoguth what he is saying about it??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:28pm

First things first.


That said, it doesn't matter if this never happened before, it's NOT about you. It's about him and what is going on with him.

My dbf, with his xgf, would have sex everyday, twice a day minimum, anywhere and everywhere. But with me, we have sex like twice a week if that. And DEFINITELY NOT anywhere nor everywhere.

At first, I was peeved, but the more I realized just cuz he did something with her, doesn't mean he's up for it with me, things change, circumstances chnage, ppl change, including myself.

So, just cuz it was XYZ with his x's, doesn't mean it will be EXACTLY that same way with you. So, in that area, you need to get a grip.

Look, my dbf goes soft in the middle of things sometimes, usually it's because he gets distracted. In the beginning, it bugged me, although I never said anything, I finally asked him about it. His answer, "I get distracted either by what I'm doing to you, or what I'm thinking about, and well, there he goes". So, I just have to get him back up. No biggie. More fun for me.

And I agree with everyone else. The MORE YOU harp on it being because of you, the more it WILL BECOME BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

He's anxious, because he's afraid to disappoint you, hurt you, make you feel like crap. He's scared that he'll lose his erection and therefore, cause you to hurt or even cry. He is probably concentrating on trying to keep it up, FOR YOU, cuz you are hurt he cant' keep it up.

The point being, he should see a doctor, and you need to lay off the guilt trips to him. Relax, sex isn't all about you and how good you look, or how attractive you are. It can be about a lot of things.

my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2008
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 6:27pm
Anything's possible. I agree with the others. The best course of action is to let it go. Relax about it. That will rid him of any anxiety. Now, you don't say if he loses his erection during intercourse, oral, or manual? Is it only during a specific sex act? If so, just proceed to the others, until HE feels comfortable proceeding.

It's a good idea to suggest he get checked out just in case, because anything can develop at any time. I've heard that the penis is a good indicator of many bodily ailments.

Here's the rundown of possibilities.

More about Cause

As stated above, erectile dysfunction can be caused by many different things. The five categories are the most common, but are not exclusive. Listed below are some examples of possible causes.

1) Neurologic causes: congenital (spina bifida); acquired (cerebrovascular accident, Alzheimer's disease, multiple sclerosis); iatrogenic (electroshock therapy), neoplastic (pituitary or hypothalamic tumor), traumatic (spinal cord compression), infectious, and nutritional (vitamin deficiency).

2) Vascular causes: cardiac, (anginal syndromes, congestive heart failure, atherosclerosis).

3) Endocrine causes: diabetes, hypothyroidism, Addison's disease, Cushing's syndrome.

4) Pharmacologic causes: a common and often unsuspected complication of both prescription and illegal drugs. The major groups that may cause erectile dysfunction are: major tranquilizers, antidepressants, antianxiety agents, anticholinergic drugs, antihypertensives, and drugs with abuse potential including alcohol and cocaine.

5) Psychogenic: up to 50% of cases include psychogenic causes. These can include (but are not limited to), depression, anxiety, stress, anger, status and dominance issues, intimacy and trust, sexual attraction, and history of sexual or physical abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 6:28pm

Why do you insist on making this your fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:39pm
Do you use condoms with spermicide? Those are a topical anesthetic.

He could be really short on sleep too. I agree with the others though. If he doesn't take any medications, health problems are the big suspect.