Why cant he own up to his mistakes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Why cant he own up to his mistakes!
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:03am

Here is my story. I have been with my current boyfriend for a rocky 4 years. He is an alcoholic. I feel like he intentionaly goes out of his way to hurt me and he wont own up to it. Here is the situation. When I had his second child, I decided to give the child my last name. We were not married and at the time he was not really that responsible. He was upset with me but I told him a name is a name and can easily be changed if you show me that you are resposible and committed to making a change. He decided to have sex with his first BM and produce another child. Put like this, our sons are 9 months a part. I was upset, angry when I found out. He begged me to stay with him and I decided to try to work things out. Obviously, he did not try on his part. He still drink excessively, when he was upset with me he would call on his BM for comfort. I told him that I would leave him right then and there. He told me that he will change yet again and he wanted to start anew. We decided to move out of state.

Things seem to get better, but then I had to complete a job back in my home state during Christmas time. He was upset and hurt that I could not spend Christmas with him this past year. We desperately needed the money and he said he understood. When I returned to my home, I found him in bed (fully clothed) with another woman. I was mortified. I wanted explanations and all he could give me is that he was LONELY.

I want him to own up to what he has done to me and he just wont. He just states that he has made alot of mistakes in the past. Hell I have made alot of mistakes myself. It is like he just does not want to acknowledge what he has done. He thinks that sorry is the quick and easy way out.

I also feel that he enjoys seeing me in pain and hurting. Everytime I hurt him and it is never intentionally he finds a way to get back at me. What is the reason for this behavior and is it worth sticking around?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:41am

The reason for his behavior is that he IS an alcoholic. This has nothing to do with you, except for the fact that you're willing to stick around, and take his abuse, and do nothing about it. You're actually enabling his behavior, because you allow him to do it, and there are no consequences for him.

You need to look at yourself and try to figure out why you feel so worthless that you stay, and allow him to do this to you! He won't own up to his mistakes, because in his drunken fog, he hasn't MADE any mistakes! Any problems he has are YOUR fault (in HIS mind), therefore, he has nothing to own up to.

If you can muster up any self respect, as well as concern for the welfare of your children, you will get OUT of this mess before any more babies come into this messed up world you live in. Get a lawyer, make sure you get some child support, and get out.

You are NOT going to fix him. He can't be fixed until he realizes that he's screwed up his own life, and he WANTS to change it. Sadly, that rarely happens.

Alcoholism is an addiction, no different than an addiction to drugs. The addict has to first admit that he's an addict, then he has to WANT to change it...and maybe he will. He won't as long as people put up with him the way he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:58am

You Know I agree totally with you. The past couple of days, I kept saying to myself I am his enabler. I feel like nothing good has come out of this relationship besides my children.

I think one of my main concerns is that I am scared to be alone. But the past couple of days being alone actually sounds like a walk in the candy shop.

I think my biggest thing right now is for him to make a change because he is about to lose everything. I told him the other day, once I leave I am never coming back.

Thank You for my reality check.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:21pm


In a word...NO! Unless you like feeling like this?



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 3:11pm

There is nothing about being alone that you have to be scared about! If you look at it realistically, you ARE alone already. Don't make threats to him, unless you intend to carry them out. Don't take empty promises that he will do something to help himself. Don't let him back in the house until he's at LEAST going to AA and making an effort. If he does that, and falls off the wagon, then pack up and go, and don't look back!

You are surviving alone now, and you'll always survive alone. Again, talk to a lawyer about getting child support, and figure out how you can get a job and supplement that...and you'll be very HAPPY, and also proud of yourself.....because right now you don't think you can do it, but you CAN! All it takes is some soul searching, and some self respect (that has been taken away from you by living with him!).

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 10:33pm

Brenj, reading you description of your life with this man, sounds like the most screwed up relationship I have read about in a long time.

I really wonder why you would stay with an alcoholic, who is also an irresponsible, unfaithful human being. On top of that, you have children with him. Your life with this guy will always be chaotic, because he doesn't know anything different.

I hope that you will leave this poor excuse for a man and try to straighten out your own life. Good luck.

Edited 4/11/2007 12:07 am ET by gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:44pm

Please find the nearest Al-Anon and/or CoDA meeting ... ASAP! Pronto! Stat! Words cannot express how much you need to do this for yourself.

Hon, he is who he is ...and you cannot change him. Only he can change him ... if/when he decides that change is in store for him. You can only change you. And YOU need to start learning to love yourself and realize you deserve better than this ... that action entirely up to you. Al-Anon will help.

You cannot help him, but you can help you. Will you help yourself????

(also, there is a codependents board on iVillage ... I'd recommend sharing your story and getting support from the gals over there, too)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 10:18am

the question can be reversed - Why can't you own up to your mistakes?

1. You've stayed involved with an alcholic who isn't interested in changing.

2. You've had not one, but two children with him.

3. You keep taking him back.

You can't undo #2, but you sure as heck can undo #1 and #3. Get the heck away from this guy and go build a life for yourself and your children. All you're doing now is aiding and abetting this guy on his self-destructive (and you-destructive) path.

Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit and go make a life for yourself.