Why Do Men Come Back After a Break Up

Avatar for delilahha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Why Do Men Come Back After a Break Up
15
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 2:34pm
I know this is a sexist question, but I don't understand why some men will try and fan the fires and guise it as friendship after a breakup--sometimes even months later? Is it that they realized the grass is filled with weeds? Get lonely? Realize that they had a pretty good thing and miss it or are they just trying to fill time with something "secure" for the fear of being alone? Comfort of knowing the woman will take them back or what?

I'm just curious since it seems that so many posts here and on other boards are about ex's that eventually enter back into our lives or at least try to. I know a lot of it depends on the reason for the break up and what the climate was after the break up. A friend of mine once said that couples only say they want to remain friends after a breakup with the hopes of getting back together? Do you agree?

I ask because I am struggling with getting to a place where I've moved on, accepted the limitations and reality of a commitment phobe and am ready to face the future rather than hope for the past--really I've been to that point for a while yet. Its been 8 mos now.

Just curious what our group has experienced with this.

D

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:10pm

I have one of those!

Avatar for jenni_88
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:16pm
I've always felt that when a guy comes sniffing back around its because (1) he's horny and hasn't gotten any in awhile, (2) he's he's lonely and needing some attention and since you're the last place he got it he figues he can get it again or (3) he's horny and it isn't as easy to get "some" as he thought. There is a reason for the breakup and after some time you both *know* and have accepted those reasons, any rekindling contact after that is based on reflections of what used to be and *could* be for the momentary satisfaction.

I know its always hard getting over it, but you gotta realize the reasons, accept them and try not to dwell on "what ifs" and "maybes". Lord knows it has taken me forever to get to that point, but time heals everything and you just gotta be persistant on that healing.

*Jenni*

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:19pm
make a clean break.

my personal experiences: an EX (become ex after he got another girl pregnant) called during christmas holiday (7 months after breakup) to find out how i was do, if i've found a job etc. i had to force myself to tell him point blank to never call me again. but he called again about a year later to tell me how bad he felt, how sorry he was, how i was doing etc. whatever! again told him never to call me again (much easier this time). whatever his reason for calling me (his conscience, wanting a second change..), it had nothing to do with me now. i did ask him why he call and to tell him to say whatever he needs to say. of course he only repeats how sorry he was and that there wasn't anything more he wanted to say. another more recent ex called many time to keep me posted on how his life was going, thanking me for helping him put his life back on the right path. personally, i don't know the reason behind it all either, but I don't want to know. i've recovered from all those mess, why in the world do I want to dig it all back up?

point is: whatever the reason for the breakup, it's over. and if you didn't have the urge to contact him before, then just move forward. my $0.02.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 6:52pm

I am going through this right now. My SO broke up with me almost 4 weeks ago. He has contacted me twice since then. The first time I asked him what he wanted. He said just to know how I was doing. Well, what did he expect? I have been an emtional wreck. Anyway...he IM'd me yesterday. I played it cool and was vague. I didn't confront him at all. But here I sit on the internet again hoping and dreading another IM. Part of me wants him to leave me alone. The other part wants him to say it was all a mistake.


UUGGGHHHH!!

Michele

Michele
Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 8:12pm
I feel for you, thyst, it must be torture to get an IM from a guy you are trying to forget, yet you still are not over him. I had my heart broken once and I was devastated. It was my own fault. I was hounding her on every date to be exclusive with me. She loved me, but wanted to be sure. Plus she was only 17 at the time. As much as I loved her, I never called her. I figured that a breakup meant no contact. Anyhow, after 4 1/2 months, she really missed me and let me know indirectly that she wanted me back. We have been extremely happilly married for 49 years and counting!!
Avatar for delilahha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:24pm
Gigi: You always seem to give us a positive side and a hope that things work out for the better. I envy your wife, she is a very lucky woman to have someone that loves her as much as you do. Well, hey I guess we should never say never.

Hugs, D

PS I took your advice and have put my old BF and his engagement behind me. Another chapter in my life closed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:45pm

Yeah...I can't make myself tell him to stop contacting me. Because I want the contact. And at the same time...as much as

Michele
Avatar for nativcalgal
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 12:32am
Hello!

I have been in the classic commitment-phobe relationship in my very distant past and I will say that it was the BIGGEST hurt of my whole life. I will not forget it and I learned a great deal from it (the hard way of course!).

If you, or anyone, has discovered they are in that type of relationship, RUN and never look back or hope for anything more. It will never happen. That's my experience anyway. I found out he did to others what he did to me and that should have been my huge red flag..but no.....I had to be the ONE to change all that pattern and be the ONE he would commit to....yea in my dreams! LOL. It was awful and a waste of several years for me. Never again. When I finally met my DH it hit me like a ton of bricks......my DH loved me and told me so and committed to me by actions and words. It was such a realization of the time I had wasted with that other guy! When a man REALLY loves you, he'll commit without hesitation. Period. You would think that knowing this we'd "get it" and never get hurt right? Wrong. I was hurt time and time again and year after year with this other guy! It was the stupidest thing on earth and I was so caught up in it. I thought that because I loved him SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much he'd just have to understand and see and commit to me because of that you know? He was classic commitment phobe in every sense. They come back because it's how they are. They want it all but they really don't. They don't know they don't. They really think they do and they really think they'll commit and then they just can't and it's a vicious cycle for them with US caught in the middle. I think they really love us, but when they see the whole scenario (commitment in true form) they get freaked and they just can't do it. Often they decide this at the last moment.....and it's just the hardest hit to us, a major blow. Also, one thing to examine if you are involved with a commitment-phobe is yourself. It is highly possible and probable that YOU are also a commitment phobic! I bought this book about commitment phobics once and I was truly amazed at the insight. Often times, we seek out such people because, for whatever reason, WE are afraid to commit too! It's safe because we know deep down they aren't really going to commit...not always but it can be this way. I'd say most of the time we really want the commitment.

I found out recently that this guy from my past is STILL single, never married and has been through several relationships since ours. He just CAN'T do it. It's sad for him and sad for the women who enter his world. He's 44 now and will probably always be alone. Sad.

I would advise against thinking things will ever change with your commitment phobe. Look forward and keep your eyes away from the past. There are men who commit and they commit completely and you WILL know it. It will be SO obvious and you will be much happier! Believe me! I could write pages and pages but I won't. Stay strong...8 months is excellent progress. Don't look back. It won't get you anywhere IMHO! Take care and hang in there for Mr. Commitment!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Avatar for delilahha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 10:02am
Boy what a wealth of insight and commonalities. I so agree with you. I too had the red flags and even now I was the one that lasted the longest with him--but due to a lot of in between "time outs." At one point he said that he couldn't believe how soon I had begun dating--I looked at him and said--remember those 3 mos when you needed space and time--men asked me out! (unfortunately my heart was still with him)

I think commitment phobes have low self esteem--they are afraid of vulnerability and involvement. I like you pity the man because I know that he will go on jumping from one relationship to another when things get too close for him--heck dating scares him even! I just got to a point where I didn't want to waste anymore time, effort and pain to try and

make it work, even towards the end he was beggin me to stay like he had in the past and I just had to stay strong. I know the right my is out there who will share his unconditional love--I had it with my previous BF, but unfortunately he was a rebound from my divorce and I wasn't in love with him. So I guess I've been on both ends of the equation and know the pain that he felt when I told him I needed to walk away--that man loved me unconditionally--I just couldn't reciprocate in the way he needed me too.

So thanks for the info. It is the heartbreak and the history that keep me from going back down that road. Even now as he tells me how he feels--in my mind I'm thinking "Yeah right!" Great guy but only capable of friendship and I've gained so much strength and progress in these 8 mos that I don't want to sacifice it on a "chance" and reality dictates that is all that it would amount to.

Just a question--with my commitment phobe, I realized by reviewing our emails that his comfort zone was 3 mos and then he would spaz out! Did you find this true? We were together for 2 yrs but only because I KEPT COMING back for more abuse. I agree--I don't want to ever go through that again--the pain was worse than my divorce and I was married to that man for 24 yrs.

Thanks for the shot in the arm. Its only been 8 mos--good things come to those who wait.

Hugs, D
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 10:10am

If you really want to move on, which I think is a good idea, then I think you need to ask him to stop contacting you - and then block him on your IM.

Pages