3 years later and a new guy???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
3 years later and a new guy???
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 1:31pm

I'm completely smitten, and head over heels for the guy I'm seeing. I am also totally freaked out.
We've known each other for about 3 years and had an on again off again trimulcious relationship.

There have been many times where I swore to never speak to him again. We wanted different things and we didn't communicate well. I wanted a reliable boyfriend and at the time he couldn't be that for me. He just wanted to hang out, that kind of lame non-committal bulls**t. Over the the last three years we'd see each other and talk but it was nothing serious... My feelings for him subsided and I moved on with my life, dated other guys etc...

Recently, in the last couple of months we started seeing each other again... but its different this time. He's different and maybe I'm a little different but it's good, really good. He's been so sweet, wonderful, and kind, he communicates more and I'm starting to really trust him. He has seemed to find a certain amount of peace and he's letting me into his life more then any other time. It feels really good to be with him, he says he cares very much for me and I'm actually seeing the proof in his actions.

We've been spending a fair amount of time together and gotten into this really wonderful habit of cooking dinner and hanging out about 3-4 nights a week, and I usually sleep over. To be clear this isn't about sex... we've had sex before and have recently but we aren't focusing on that at all.

We are still taking everything pretty slowly... I haven't had him over my house yet and we haven't introduced friend groups or family. Although, I've meet his brothers before and have hung out with him and some of his friends but it hasn't become a regular thing. We aren't using the boyfriend girlfriend terms yet and we don't talk every day but we are in frequent contact. Last night I asked if he wanted to see other women he said no--he'd want to see me. So are are monogamous-- which I figured. I feel really good about how things are going and when we talked about it and he seems as happy as I am.

I am just totally scared this is going to fall apart... considering our very rocky past. If I keep engaging in the relationship I could really get hurt and I really really don't want that. When is it appropriate for me say to him I need a serious commitment from you in order for me to move forward?? I'm really hesitant to do that... since I just want to the relationship to keep unfolding and not put any pressure on it. But on the other hand I want a "guarantee" before I continue putting my heart out there with him. I'm not sure if ages matters but I'm 26 and he's 29

any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 8:01pm

I dont think you can ask him for a guarantee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 7:54am

'..We've known each other for about 3 years and had an on again off again tumultuous relationship.'

What exactly do you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 9:51am


Welcome to the board! I think he does have feelings for you. And maybe the time apart has allowed you guys to mature and go through things on your own. It could very well be that it didn't work out before because it wasn't the right place or time for one or both of you.

TBH, you already know that

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 11:19am

Thanks for all the advice. As to answer newfoundsunshine's question. Our on again off again wasn't us just hooking up-- but we'd try for a few weeks or a couple of months to see each other - and we would do this exclusively, he wasn't seeing anyone else and neither was I. But inevitably we would stop and always for the same reasons; I wanted more commitment he'd freak a little we'd get frustrated with one another and stop seeing each other. At the time I think we wanted different things, he was still figuring out his work/life situation as was I. I know this sounds terribly dysfunctional but in retrospect I don't think either of us were ready for a serious relationship, the timing wasn't good and I was rushing into things.

We had a good talk the other night about our relationship and were it was going. It became clear we both really adore and care for one another and I sure we love each other. So we are just going to keep swimming in this lovely thing that is happening and see were it takes us. As much as I am so nervous about really putting my whole self into this I think it'll be worth it. I need to learn to just let go and go with the flow as you say... which is easier said then done sometimes. So my plan is to take it really easy this summer and just have a great time with him and see where it goes.

wish me luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 10:07am

It sounds like maybe he grew up a little in the past couple years. Maybe you both did. I mean he is 29 now you said and although 3 years before he was just 26, that can still make a huge difference in a guys mindset. He probably just needed time to figure out what he wants and essentially grow up before being open to some form of a commitment.

Just because it was rocky in the past, doesn't mean it doesn't have great potential. Many people take time apart to live their lives and grow up and then when

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 11:48pm

Dont question too much, if you're happy now then just go with it.