6 Years & Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
6 Years & Confused
3
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 1:17pm

I've been dating my boyfriend for just over 6 years. We started dating when I was 16 & him 18 I know that people (especially during this period in their lives) change. About 2 years ago I tried to take a break from the relationship to evaluate how I felt. However I felt so awful about it that it didn't last longer than a day. I keep getting that feeling over those 2 years but I've just repressed it because I didn't want to deal with it. Now, I can't shake the feeling at all.

We definitely have some problems in our relationship which don't seem to ever get resolved. I'm a very motivated person & my boyfriend is not quite as motivated. He has very vague plans for the future, while I have specific goals. We also seem to have a communication problem since he refuses to talk to me about job or financial problems. He'll hint at stuff but tells me not to worry about it which drives me nuts! He also doesn't feel its necessary to talk about financial or job problems since we are not living together. I don't understand why he doesn't feel he can share his problems with me, as I always share mine. I understand that we are not living together so it's not crucial but I'm worried that he won't be able to communicate these problems with me later.

Another problem is free time. We only see each other twice a week so I want to make the best of our time. However, he would prefer to stay at home & watch a movie while I want to go out- even if it's hiking, etc. I feel like I am compromising more than him & I'm getting frustrated. And we have discussed all of these issues numerous times but they never get resolved.

He's positive that I am the one for him while I am really unsure at this point. I don't want to stay in the relationship just because it's comfortable but I'm scared that if I leave him that I am going to regret it. How should I know what the right decision is?

Any advice?? Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 1:30pm

I can totally relate to your problem!! In fact, I just posted a similar story of my own. Although my boyfriend and I have not been together as long as you and yours. My boyfriend has the same problems with communication. I think couples (especially those who have dated as long as we have) should be able and be willing to tell each other EVERYTHING.


My boyfriend does not like to go out unless he is very comfortable with the people who may be around. He says he has social anxiety, and I believe him. I've witnessed him literally get sick in a big crowd of people he does not know well. (Even strangers!) Of course, he did not share this with me until a few weeks ago. He says that after a while, couples get so comfortable that their relationships become boring and mundane, and that's just the way it is. I believed that for a while because I've never been in a relationship this long and don't know what to expect.


I am feeling the EXACT same way you are! I feel comfortable and secure in this relationship and can honestly say I have never felt that way before. I can see a future with him, but at the same time I'm worried. I'm doing a lot of questioning. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm settling, but then again the grass is always greener on the other side. If I end this relationship, I could find someone who treats me just as well or better and wants the same things I want. But then again, I could lose my best friend and never find someone who fulfills me the way he does.


I can't really offer you much advice because I'm going through the same thing and seeking advice myself! But it is true (and you've probably been told this many times before) that you need to do what makes you happy. If you have goals and plans, you need to try to achieve them. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he'll "get off his rocker" and realize he may be losing you. Maybe then he'll want to communicate!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 1:38pm

First loves are always a bitch to get over...but you do in time. And yes there are plenty of better/mature men out there.

The biggest thing about money issues and stuff is that he's right when it comes to talking about "his" money and "your" money. There's no point or reason to talk about other peoples money when you AREN'T living together. The only way that will change is if he realizes that you are the one, and he wants to take the relationship to the next step. Then he'll be more inclined to talk to you about it.

If he's saying that you are "the one" yet he hasn't done anything to prove that (engagement, moving in...etc) then there's a problem. It sounds like he's a little too comfortable in the RL and fees no need to move at all. In fact if you have been with him for this long, and he hasn't proposed, and doesn't wanna talk about his job or finances, then it should be a BIG RED FLAG for you to end it.

When a man wants to be with you, he'll move heaven and earth and share everything with you. It's as simple as that. He'll have nothing to hide once he knows that he can support himself and a family. Your BF may have a few years to go for that. But in the meantime, you need to ask yourself if you wanna stick around for life to pass you by.

Sounds like you are coming to "that point" where you need to make a decision. I also think you are already starting to regret wasting time at this point. I do promise you that if you do jump ship, there WILL be a more mature man out there waiting for you down the road. It took me 2 years of waiting/dating and getting it out of my system and getting out of a 4 yr RL to realize that the right one is worth waiting for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Sat, 03-21-2009 - 6:25pm

Rosalyndoy2,


Welcome to the board! I think that you may have hit a crossroads in your relationship and you have two options: stay and accept it for what it is, or leave him and move on to find someone more on your level. Do you really want to stay around with someone who isn't on the same page as you? What happens when you start your career and you begin to travel, etc., and he's still the same guy? Is that what you want?


Rosa, I think that this is the time where you really need to think about what is best for you. Good Luck :)