8 on and offs in one year - is it love?
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| Tue, 06-28-2005 - 11:00pm |
Hi,
I haven't posted here in a while but thought I'd throw this one out - Over the last year I have been dating a guy on and off - we would date for a while, think it wouldn't work and then try being friends - go without hanging out at all for periods, then end up hanging out again and back together. This must have happened about 8 times!! Just when I thought it would never happen again, the guy started calling and wanting to see me again and bought a house really close to me. We started seeing each other as friends and are getting along so well - we are sooo close. He's my best friend, confidante, etc and I have always cared immensely about him. We have just gotten intimate again, only this time it took a month of really just hanging out before anything happened. It 'feels' different to me this time and I think I'm falling in love with him. I think I may have always loved him but never understood my feelings, waiting for that magic love you see in movies. Anyway, I wrote him a sort of poem expression of how I feel.. but I'm afraid to give it to him. I don't want to pressure him to make a decision one way or another, but nor do I want to get burned because I'm really falling for him this time.
Is there some easy way of finding out how he feels about me at this point or do I need to wait it out a bit longer? The only incling I have to go on is that the other night he told me a girl was emailing him and interested but he told her he was hanging out with his 'ex' again and 'sabotaged' it on purpose. Meanwhile, he never actually referred to me as his girlfriend when we were dating!!!
thanks for your help

The only way to find out how he feels is to ask. Honestly, I wouldn't give him the poem, I'd just tell it to him straight, you're more likely to get a straight answer back.
Just sit him down and lay it out, "You know something about this time feels different to me. I think I might be falling for you this time, but before things go any further I need to know if you think this could be something more or if this is strictly a friends with benefits thing for you. I'm a big girl and I can handle the truth and I promise we can still try to be friends, but I might need some time to distance myself. I just need you to be honest with me about how oyu feel about this."
I've given this speech to a guy before and found it to be a very effective non-confrontational way to get an honest answer. I didn't particularly like the answer, but hey his loss. I took me a couple weeks to distance myself and when we first started hanging out again it was always going out, never just hanging at each other's house becasue that was just too tempting and too intimate and felt too much like being a "real couple" to me. But we did it I distanced myself and we remain friends, though we aren't as close as we once were, which is only natural as we have both moved on to other romantic relationships.
Just ask him about it try not to make a big production out of it and don't go on about how you feel. Get straight to asking him how he feels and if there's an uncomfortable silence resist the urge to fill it let it hang there until he speaks.
Good luck.
Nick gave you some great advice! I'd agree ... the only way to truly know is to ask. Directly and honestly.
Personally, 8 on and offs in one year would be a bit much for me ... I'd take that as a pretty strong indication that he really doesn't know what he wants. I'm all for 'second chances' ... but, 8! IMO, you're either a) awfully patient or b) afraid of truly letting him go.
If it feels different this time, let him know. The worst that can happen is that he won't feel the same ... in which case, if he says "I don't know" ... take that as a 'no' ... b/c if you're feeling more strongly about him than he is for you, you'll only end up feeling hurt about it. And, remember, in being honest with him about your feelings ... you can't 'scare off' someone who's on the same page. And, if he is 'scared off' ... then, he isn't the guy for you.
Thanks a lot for your advice! I will give it a try the next appropriate chance I get. I saw him this afternoon very briefly and I always kiss him when I say good bye... he definitely kisses me back but I don't suppose that really means anything about how he truly feels. Unfortunately I just sent him a text message saying "I really love kissing him, if he hadn't noticed and that I'd like to jump him every time I see him, but I can't tell if he'd like that or not.." I know that still doesn't address the real issue - but I thought it might lay the groundwork for a more serious direct conversation in the next little while! ultimately though I know Im just copping out sending a text like that. ugh if only I could retract it! lol I should have read your post first... but I guess it doesn't matter, maybe he'll think about it between now and the time I get to actually ask him how he feels.
... update: He replied to my text message with "Hmm, how ever am I supposed to reply to that? : ) It's all good... we've been here before : )"
So I'm still no wiser!! It could mean he's thinking it's exactly the same, or he's just referring to the fact that we're 'close' in an intimate way again. At least I've opened the door for the conversation I guess.
Edited 6/29/2005 11:30 pm ET ET by londoness75
Update: So I finally got to talk to him tonight. I ended up giving him the 'poem letter' I wrote on Friday night.. and he got in touch the next night saying he'd like to talk to me the next day (today) so I went over and we cooked dinner together.. we were having a good time but no conversation was happening in that direction. After a few hours he said he was getting tired and I couldn't bear leaving without talking about it, so I tried to bring it up without making him uncomfortable. He said he was in a wierd mood all weekend and really wasn't up for talking about it right now - but wasn't trying to avoid it. So I really didn't get much of an answser from him, he just said the only honest thing he could say was he didn't know how he feels. I asked if it would be a bad thing to really 'date' for a while and see how it goes and he said he didn't think so.. but didn't give me a straight answer either. He did say he wouldn't be hanging with me and looking for someone else - he woudl tell me if that was the case.
If i can sum up my impression of how he feels - he really cares about me and he likes the casual nature of our relationship because it has no 'label'... I think he's afraid of labels because he's afraid we won't be as successful together if we are suddenly labeled boyfriend/girlfriend. But I did ask if he was afraid of commitment and he said he wasn't. So all he kept saying was he wanted time to think and talk to me in a day or two when he's out of his odd mood and other things unrelated to us are off his mind. We kissed a lot before I left but I was dying to just be with him. I did convey how much I like him and how it feels differently for me this time - but he also recognized that we are at different stages of thinking about it - I have been thinking for almost two weeks and the first he heard of it was on Friday, so I gues I need to be fair and let him have time to catch up? I told him I don't want to lose him but I obviously can't influence how he feels. I just hope he's willing to take a chance on us for a while for real - something we've really never done, and that's why I think he's afraid to try. Or maybe you'll all just say he's not into me and i'm wasting my time !!!!!
He's not "afraid" to. He doesn't WANT to.
<< So I really didn't get much of an answser from him, he just said the only honest thing he could say was he didn't know how he feels.>>
Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't know 'how he feels' about you? I know this is hard ... but, in my experience, I've learned that an 'I don't know' is as good as a "no" ... because it doesn't leave you anywhere but in limbo ... waiting. Indecision is a decision -- it's a decision not to decide. We can learn to want to be with someone who wants what we want as well ... and learn how to 'let go' while the other person figures out what they want.
<< but he also recognized that we are at different stages of thinking about it - I have been thinking for almost two weeks and the first he heard of it was on Friday, so I gues I need to be fair and let him have time to catch up? >>
But, hasn't he had 8 on 'n offs in a year's time to figure out how he feels about you? I know you said "it's different this time" ... and while it may be different for YOU this time ... that doesn't mean that it's going to be different for him. Are you prepared for the reality that he may never 'catch up' so long you're still around and he's allowed to 'have it his way' (ie, keep it casual without making you his girlfriend).
<< If i can sum up my impression of how he feels -he really cares about me and he likes the casual nature of our relationship because it has no 'label'.>>
It's nice to feel cared about ... but, it's even nicer to know where you stand. Feelings are great ... but, as Erin/Doubleblade used to say 'round here ... 'feelings are not facts' ... fact is, you guys have a pattern of getting back together and breaking up ... only you're expecting a different result.
My take on this ... if << all he kept saying was he wanted time to think and talk to me in a day or two when he's out of his odd mood and other things unrelated to us are off his mind >> ... give the man time ... as MUCH as he needs ... to figure out what he wants. That means ... no contact with him until he can contact you and say "yes, ok ... this IS what I want ... I want to be your boyfriend."
And, I know that's not what you want ... but, is waiting around while he benefits from your company and 'casual nature' of what you have (but not really what you want) going to make him 'see the light?' Probably not. I think there's a lot of value in letting a man 'miss you' ... a little distance can be a GOOD THING.
You've let him know what you want ... your intentions for the relationship and how you feel about him are out there ... now it's time to (yet again) let it go ... and if he does come around and feels the same way ... you'll have what you want. If not, then you won't be wasting your time on someone who doesn't want what you want.
Good luck, londoness! !
Thanks a lot for your insight. I wrote him an email last night because I know he'll open up to me clearer on email than in person - it's so hard, I am not nearly as clear in person myself. anyway, I told him I would very much like to keep seeing him, but I'd be happy to give him some time to think about things (I said, a month or something?? to put it in perspective) as I'm going away next week and I didn't want to be wondering on my trip... He wrote back and said he really cares about me but is concerned that we are on different 'levels'.. but that he cant stand the idea of not seeing me anymore but that every time he tries to think about what to do he changes the subject and doesn't think about it. He said some time away might be good to clear his head as he's in a strange mood in the last little while. So he said he would call me in a week or so (when I'm back from my trip) and that he would still like me to come to his best friend's wedding with him when I get back. (it's a weekend trip-away wedding) and said we could 'go from there'... if that was ok with me?
I know there's a HUGE chance he won't be willing to keep seeing me to see how he will feel. I mean it is possible that he just isn't 'there' yet .. he doesn't seem willing to get rid of me, but certainly not jumping at the idea of being with me either. It's quite stresful.. I'm trying to stay busy and not think about it but it's hard because it took ME a year to realize I love him... and when I try to tell myself I don't, it just doesn't work.
<< He wrote back and said he really cares about me but is concerned that we are on different 'levels'.. but that he cant stand the idea of not seeing me anymore but that every time he tries to think about what to do he changes the subject and doesn't think about it.>>
Ok, so everytime he tries to think about it ...he blocks it out. And, after a year ... do you really believe that he's going to 'think about it' and make a decision on this while your gone for a week? Hon, indecision is a decision. It's a decision not to decide. He's told you that he's changing the subject when he starts thinking about it. He's clearly not committed to making this decision. And truly ... should it be THAT hard to decide?
<< he would still like me to come to his best friend's wedding with him when I get back. (it's a weekend trip-away wedding) and said we could 'go from there'... if that was ok with me?>>
Is that ok with you? Are you ok with just being his 'date' when he needs one to attend a special event ... or is feeling lonely and wants to 'hang out?' All on his terms but not necessarily on yours. Or, do you want a mutually beneficial relationship with him?
Hon, if you continue to be available to him in this regard ... he's not going to have the motivation to truly HAVE TO make a decision. Take it from someone who's been thru this type of thing before (only it wasn't 8 on 'n offs ... just one) ... you need to cut the cord completely. If it's meant to be, it will be. Keep giving a guy what he wants ... while you're 'on hold' waiting for what you want ... and most likely, you won't get what you want. I mean, what motivation does he have for making a choice to commit to you and be your boyfriend if he keeps getting to see you when he wants to?
<< I mean it is possible that he just isn't 'there' yet .. he doesn't seem willing to get rid of me, but certainly not jumping at the idea of being with me either. It's quite stresful.>>
It's up to YOU to get rid of you for him. If you're allowing yourself to be pulled back in, he will not be required to make a choice. If he gets the message that "it's OVER" ... no hanging out, no contact ... he may FINALLY have a chance to miss you and find out if he's really lost someone valuable to him. And, if he doesn't come to that conclusion, you're better off, as well ... as you will not have wasted time waiting for someone who 'isn't there yet' to make up his mind and didn't really want to be with you. You deserve to be with someone who KNOWS he wants to be with you. We all do.
Hi there,
i totally see what you are saying, and I know now (after crying almost non-stop for 2 days) that I have to force him to make a decision regarding us and if he wont I have to walk away. The thing is - I offered him some time to think about it, and he took it - so I feel I have to respect that and wait it out the week or 2 until he comes to me to talk. The wedding is the cut off (2 weeks from now). I either confront him tomorrow and tell him I can't wait it out - or uphold my offer and see what he comes back with when he's ready. I feel that I owe it to him to respect the time away - and so I am definitely not calling or contacting him in this period - it's been 2 days so far and it's been a radio silence - quite odd for us, as we communicate many times a day usually. In any case, I'm going to stay busy, try to put it out of my mind all week and give him this one last chance to express his true feelings. If I bail now, I'll probably regret it down the road I think.