Action vs Words Part II
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| Wed, 08-17-2005 - 3:22pm |
I didn't want to highjack the other board but I have my own dilemma in which I would like an honest male opinion and females for that matter. I've been seeing a man for five months. We have an open and somewhat honest relationship. He's very upfront and honest with me even if it hurts, and I've told him I admire his honesty. I KNOW he sleeps with three other women. One is in the process of a divorce, one is just there, and the other he's had a convenience with for over two years. Then I come into the picture. I knew what he was all about. I knew he slept around (and yes, we're safe), and that's why I point blank asked him "how many are there?" He also knows I'm an intelligent woman, and he can't get away with much. Small town--can't lie. We're both in our late forties and divorced--me of one year, he of nine. He has grown children; I have a teenage daughter. He lives a very active life and doesn't really "date" so to speak. If somebody calls him to have a drink or get a bite to eat, he'll take her up on it as long as he's not "busy". He and I normally hook up to have a drink. He's very comfortable talking to me about his ex-wife. We lived in similar situations and have a lot in common. We get along and basically don't fight except......
My problem....I have no problem with him sleeping with two of the women. I don't know them. I've never seen them. I have a problem with the third woman. She is the one he takes to social functions if he needs a date. I've never been taken, however, he doesn't have many social functions to attend. But when he does, he takes her. She'll call him; he takes her to grab a bite to eat. I don't call men for invites. Shame on me I guess. I've asked him why is it that he can take her places but not me? His reply was he never thought about it because he doesn't ask. She always does the asking. Sometimes I think he holds back because I'm newly divorced, we live in a small town, and because of my teenage daughter.
Anyway, we've talked about the next level and both of us agree we don't want to go there. We enjoy each other's company, we have fun when we're with each other, and have great sex. He says he enjoys being with me, loves my personality, and that I'm free spirited and fun. All of his actions (around me that other people don't see) speak clearly louder than his words. Many people judge him; say he's a player, a womanizer, only after one-night stands, etc. These people haven't had the conversations with him that I have.
I just have this problem with this other woman. I know I'll never get exclusivity from him, and to be honest, if someone else came along for me, I'd have someone else in my life too. Both of us don't want commitment. I guess I just want acknowledgement. Sometimes he seems like "he's into me" and other times it's like "what the hell". What happened to us looking like the happy little couple? People say it's just a "booty call". I say it's a FWB relationship. No matter, we're two adults with needs and we fulfill each other's needs, and he fulfills a void for me. BUT AGAIN, I've got this problem with this other woman. I know I'll be hurt with holidays coming up where he'll need a date and he may ask her. I don't want to get hurt.
I'm just new into this dating thing. Do people sleep with other people as they date and this is okay? I'm not a teenage anymore and it's been too long; I just forget. Help?!

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One more thing Sept,
The reason you are confused is because your women's intuition and conscience is telling you, "ALERT! This guy is bad news for you! RUN far, far away! You'll only get hurt. He's no good for you!"
While your new aloneness (recent divorce) is telling you, "I need someone, ANYONE to help fill this void of loneliness in my life."
So what you get when you mix your two together is, "ALERT, he's bad news, but he's the only half decent option, what do I do? My desire to be with somebody (anybody!) is greater than my desire to wait to find someone who respects me and is willing to be with just me, so I choose to be with a guy I have no future with because at least I'm not alone."
That's why you feel confused.
-MFG
I regard your advice and insight to this situation most highly. It's nice to be able to have a man's point of view (but thanks to the other posters too). You hit the nail on the head in EVERY aspect. Many friends have told me most of this, and nothing short of a brick wall falling on me has made me come to my senses yet. Everything, and I mean everything, you said is so true including your second post about why I'm so confused. Yes, my intuition and (if I have any brains left) head, are telling me this is oh so wrong. I have not come across one person, not one, that says stay in this mess. Yet, you are right, he feels a void of loneliness. And I always prided myself on not saying, "I'm alone". I always said, "I am by myself." There is a difference. Nobody is ever alone. You always have yourself. Now if I could get that through my head again! But that closeness is like a drug. Once you have it, it's like an addiction. It's a bad habit.
And I know I am fooling myself that I thought this FWB would work. You are right. I do just want him. That's why the other woman lurks in my mind.
I took everybody's advice last night. We talked, we laughed, we joked and no sex. We made dinner plans for next week. Whatever........ He talked about "you know if me and you ever got together, we'd have to live in separate houses 'cuz you're such a neatnik" and how we'd have such a good relationship because I have friends and a life and he has friends and a life and we wouldn't put demands on each other. I guess that's that 1% chance, but why I'd ever want this 1% chance is beyond me. I know he'll never change. He's been like this ALL of his life, and I mean his entire life. I believe when his ex left him, it crushed his ego even though he was cheating on her. I think he thought she'd never leave him. Now he fulfills his ego by the number of women he can get. Not that this is important, but as far as child support, etc., they're grown children and they lived with him after his divorce, although it's still a "been there, done that" experience. He's a very good father. Lacks in the other department though.
MFG you said >>He fills a void for you both emotionally and physically and if that's all you are ever going to expect from him, then don't change. But just by the mere fact that you are a woman with a heart, I know that is never going to be enough for you.<<
You are right. So for the time being, if I could put my emotions in check, he can fill that void. But I am a woman with a heart and I do deserve more.
I guess I need to go find that brick wall to fall on me.
Dearest September,
I didn't want to say it before at the risk of offending you, but you confirmed it: he cheated on his ex-wife. Not only that but now he's having sex with multiple women, and he's lying to all of them. Honey your 1% chance just went out the window. This guy is garbage so don't even hold out hope for him now. The second most dangerous thing in this world is an older man with even older habits. (I know you are dying to know the first most dangerous thing so here it is: a beautiful woman who knows it.) Baring God himself coming down and shaking the very ground he stands on, this man will NEVER change his bad habits of cheating, sleeping around, and lying about it. He's a great guy outside of all that I am sure. Most guys like him are otherwise great guys. But do you want to be with a "great guy" who cheats on you once you're married and then lies to you about it? Then you would both have a second divorce. I know it's tough, but never ever expect or hope for anything from this guy other than a casual friendship. Even that is risky because you might fall for his "other great guy qualities", and then end up falling in love with a man who cheats on you. So why take that risk?
Go find yourself another man. Maybe he won't be as charming/good looking/confident etc as this guy, but he will treat you right, and that's what matters most at this point. He might be a little round in the middle and be a bit messy around his house or whatever, but he'll call you when he says he will. You won't have to worry about him with other women (before or after marriage) because he's loyal, and he'll care for you better than this other bozo.
Remember this: you deserve a loving, caring, passionate man who is also loyal and capable of supporting you and your family. Repeat that to yourself everyday if you have to. Do not lower your standards. You are right, you have yourself, and that's ok. I've been single my whole life, and it's amazing how much fun you can have when you are on your own, or even out with some friends. I used to think I HAD to get married, but now I'm comfortable where I'm at. I have value as a single person, and I don't need a spouse to make me feel "complete". That's just bogus crap that Hollywood sells us. Yes, a partner in life brings you things you can't have on your own, but there are tons of things you can do now that you're single that you couldn't do when you were married. Think about it! Think back to your previous marriage and all the things you wanted to do but couldn't because you were dedicated first to your marriage and family. Well now you can do all those things! Take this time in your life to do things you couldn't when you were in your marriage. Pick up a fun hobby, go travel the country...the world. Get in touch with your inner self and you'll find happiness you didn't know existed.
Meanwhile, the right man will come along. Don't rush it, don't "try" to make it happen. It will happen in the right time. I believe that God watches over us, and he wants us to be happy. However, in order to be truly happy, sometimes He allows us to go through some tough times so that we learn the necessary things to obtain true happiness and joy. Think about it, we usually don't learn too much when life is easy. It's the hard times we learn from. He knows that. Sometimes those hard times seem impossible to get through. It sucks while we are going through it, life definately is not all roses. But it's worth it in the end.
Which brings me back to my original point in my other post (the one you had mentioned): "Life is a journey, not a destination. So enjoy the process." Meaning that there was a time in my life where I thought, "Gosh, when I'm finally married, then I'll be happy." I have found that marriage does not equal happiness. It can definately bring you happiness and joy like nothing else can (and I'm still very excited for my marriage day), but it's not the destination in life that will "make" us happy, but the journey in getting to the end as the best person we can be. Nothing can "make" us happy. Not even an awesome spouse who will love us. He is not in charge of making you happy. Sometimes I hear my sisters say, "I just want to find a man who will make me happy!" WRONG! Nobody can MAKE you happy. We have to make OURSELVES happy by being who we are, and developing into the being we all are capable of becoming. God gave us all the potential to be great, and it's up to us to do our part to stretch and strive for that greatness.
Go make some happy memories for yourself. Both on your own and in groups. Make some goals, make a plan to acheive them. Dare to dream. My challenge right now for me is simply to stop dreaming my dreams, but to start LIVING my dreams. Now that's happiness! I have to ask myself, "what am I waiting for?"
Take care,
-MFG
MFG, I would like to thank you again, and I don't get offended from any of the posters. I ask for advice and brace myself for the response. I have to tell you this, though. I have no intentions of ever marrying again, and I don't need a man to help me support my daughter and myself. I really just wanted to enjoy life, one day at a time, and have fun doing it. I was absolutely fine with that until I met this one. He isn't even good looking and he IS round in the belly and he IS messy. I never judge a person on their looks. It's their personality that matters. That's what got me hooked up in this mess. The man made me laugh, something I hadn't done in ages, and I was very vulnerable, living in a loveless marriage (more like friends) for years. I yearned for the attention and to be held. I left myself wide open for a disaster. There really isn't anything about this man that I like, other than he makes me laugh and I enjoy his company. However, he's brass, crude, rude, obnoxious, loud, not to mention all the other faults. As people have told me, he was the first one out of the gate once I got divorced.
I realize this is a learning lesson, one of many. I ask God why did you bring him into my life? As you said, I guess it's to learn from it and to make myself a stronger person for it. I know nobody can make me happy. I am the only person that can make myself happy. That is why I left my marriage in the first place, because I was unhappy and life is too short to be miserable. And I became happy again. I took charge of my life. I need to regain that control. I have control. I thank God every day for the life I have being single and being able to do what I want.
I know all of this, MFG. And reading it in black and white makes it a little easier. I'll get there again some day. I am a strong, confident, independent and SMART woman. I just fell off the wagon for a minute and need help getting back on.
Thank you, again.
Sept,
Sorry about making assumptions. You sound like you're doing pretty well for yourself considering what you've been through. Sometimes I make assumptions and draw conclusions without even knowing it. Good luck with everything.
-MFG
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