Actions Speaking Louder Than Words
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| Mon, 08-01-2005 - 6:30pm |
Many ppl live by, "actions speak louder than words" and yet, I am so confused by this. NOT because they may or may not, but what about the women who post, and say, "he treats me like a queen, does anything for me, is always there for me, cares about me, etc, but he _______________ (fitb)"
~won't marry me
~can't say he loves me
~doesn't want to be with me in a r'ship way
~is willing to marry me, because I want it
I see so many posts, where the guy truly is acting like a wonderful bf/h and yet, his words are so confusing. My bf, in the beginning, treated me like a gf. But he didn't want a r'ship. Not a commitment. He WORDS said, "no commitment", his actions "treated me like a gf". So, if I went by, "actions speak louder than words" I could assume he was a bf and I was his gf. Or that we were in a r'ship, right? WRONG! AT that point, most ppl would say, "he told you flat out that he didn't want a commitment". So, why THEN does his words prove louder than his actions?
So, for those that believe in the title, when does it apply? when does it not? When can actions actually be more confusing than words? When are words spoken the truth, even though the person is acting contradictory to the words?

I personally have a "dating caveat" to this adage, that goes something like, "actions speak louder than words, EXCEPT when the words are saying something you don't want to hear, in which case, you need to pay attention to the words."
Sheri
That makes sense. I think I've seen you post that before. I guess, now, to ask, what if he IS saying "I don't want to have a r'ship" and you're fine with that, but acting like he is in love with you.
If you saw the post on GT, you know what I'm talking about. Just as a off-handed general reason.
I guess, nothing would cover everything, but yours makes good sense. :)
~pineapple_girl
I think it's clear from my post (and I wasn't sure if you were actually asking ;-)), but I would believe the words in that situation. A guy can totally act all romantic, but still not want a relationship!
Sheri
ITA. That his words would mean more.
However, so many ppl state, actions speak louder than words. But if they forget his words, then his actios are saying he wants to be with her.
Just a general statement, no worries, none of this is real. I was just wondering. I guess, I hear "actions speak louder than words" so much on the baords, that it makes me think, what about those, when they say, "he has SAID xyz so many times, who cares if he treats you like a gf, etc". lol.
Contradictory. right? So how do we know which situation is right?
my bf treated me like a gf, but told me he didn't want a commitment. Obviously, I took his WORD over his actions. However, his actions also told me he cared about me, maybe even loved me, wnated me, wanted me as a gf, etc. And well, THOSE were true too. But for him, he still didn't want a r'ship. (obviously we have one now, but y'know, back in the day, his WORD was what was the determinant, NOT his actions).
Sheri, I'm just throwing this out at everyone, not you in particular. You just happened to answer. :)
~pineapple_girl
We just have to make it our mission to get the word out about the dating caveat to that old adage!
Sheri
Good topic. I like what Sheri said ... kudos!
I'm a believer in actions speaking louder than words ... and I believe in people who can align in their words and actions ... my trust wanes when I'm being told one thing, and shown another.
I think a lot of it comes down to the motivation and intention behind those actions. People can often be acting and behaving how we want them to ... but, the words are contradictory. So, yes ... which do we believe? I think that if we can clearly understand a person's motivation and intentions behind those actions ... if the words aren't matching their actions ... then we can have more trust in those actions, despite not 'hearing what we want to hear.' You know, sometimes people are just AFRAID to say what they want to say, even if their actions are saying it for them.
I like to remember what Erin/Doubleblade always used to say (though she hasn't been around here lately) ... I pulled this as an example of 'values justifying actions' ...
<< his values justified it, his reasoning required it - to get his desired result. The situation just "enabled" it...but you don't control life's situations. And his values justify his actions. >>
That says it all, in my opinion ... regardless of what someone SAYS ... their values justify what they do.
I think that there's also a large element of projecting at work here, in the type of situation PG describes. In other words, a woman might say to herself, "well, *I wouldn't do all these romantic things unless I wanted to be in a relationship, so *he* must be doing them because that's what he wants, too."
But that's not necessarily the case. It's a big mistake to project our own motivations onto someone else. A guy might simply enjoy kissing and cuddling (or whatever romantic behavior is at issue), but not want the obligations of being in a relationship. That's not inconsistent to HIM but it would be to the woman.
I miss DB's posts, btw!
Sheri
I think that when actions and words are different...
When he's acting not so nice, but talking nice, you believe the actions because he's trying to rationalize or hide the bad behavior, because behavior is more instinctual and reflects his true nature. He's trying to protect you from himself. Your best option in the situation is to protect yourself from him too and cut it off.
In your case he's still trying to protect yourself from him--the him that instinctually wants to be close to someone. You best option in the situation is to protect yourself from him too and cut it off.
In either situation, when he's trying to build a wall between you and his instinct, it's best not to choose a side of the wall to believe ... just walk away.
Edited 8/2/2005 2:13 pm ET ET by nokakid19
Yup, DB would've said something to that effect, and what the other poster said. Basically, HE sees it as okay, cuz it's not a r'ship, or what not.
I guess, I just wish people could be straight up about what they want and expect, w/o us having to read "body language", "between the lines", or anything else.
~pineapple_girl