Advice please- Nick, I could use ya now

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Advice please- Nick, I could use ya now
8
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:12am

UGH!!!!
Well here goes nothing--lol. I have been separated from my ex of 10 years for over a year now. At first I thought I needed to jump right back into a relationship and right now I do not even know why. But I had found that I need to love myself before I can love someone else. So I finally got to that point, then there it happened.

I was EXTREMELY interested in this guy, he is just soooo sweet. Problem being is he is a local police officer. I had actually grown the courage to speak with him one day, and had written him a letter telling him EXACTLY how I feel. The response was wonderful, he came to see me at work and the whole atmosphere was spectacular, but we got interrupted. So we tried to have the conversation a couple of other times when I decided that I would just give him my phone number and E-mail. Because I just never found out how he felt about me because we kept getting interrupted.

Well, fast forward to tonight, he had given me a letter earlier tonight. It was wonderful, but then came the part where he said that he has a rule though, he will not date people within our town. He has dated twice before and it was disasterous both times. He even got fired from the sheriff's department and demoted to city deputy, So now he is a little "gun shy" about dating women in the area. The problem is I know he likes me, my kids adore him, and I have been into him for awhile now.

What would any of you do? I know what I think I have to do, but I was just curious to what everyone else thinks.

Betty

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 9:16am

he said that he has a rule though, he will not date people within our town>>

Whaaaat?

He even got fired from the sheriff's department and demoted to city deputy>>

For dating women in a specific geographical location? I don't buy that for one second. Sounds like he was maybe flattered that you like him but doesn't really want to have a romantic relationship with you.
Iri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 9:31am
He will not date women in your town? How small a town is this? And why on earth did he get fired? It wasn't for dating a woman (unless it was his supervisor's wife or something). You need to give this more time and learn more about him before changing your life and the life of your children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 11:25am

Hello everyone,
Well I guess I should clarify quite a few things. He technically did not get demoted for dating women in the town, he got demoted because of a childish rumor that got started about him and one of these women that made the police department look bad. I work third shift at a gas station and one of the regular sheriff department guys told me the story on that. I live in a town of 900 people which is not that big and rumors spread like wild-fire. I guess he fought the accusations, but settled on being demoted to city deputy instead of facing the risk of not being able to be an officer in the area again(they were going to take his badge or fight to do so)it is a really stupid story actually, he let her drive the cruiser or so that is what everryone said. At any rate there is no proof of it and the other sheriff deputies defend him on it but he just settled to save everyone the hassle, all of the guys have told me that.

It is not anything about the department that says he cannot date women in the area it is just his rule of thumb, cause like I said rumors spread like wildfire in this town and he just does not want to be put in the situation again.

I have known him for three years now and was not even interested in him at first. Like I said I work third shift at a gas sttation and the only people I meet are the police-paramedics-and a whole lot of drunk people(I live in hicktown U.S.A--lol) I had slowly starting to notice the little things about him about a year and a half ago. And the way he is with the kids in the area is just amazing.My son was terrified of police when I first moved into this town and now he want's to be one than's mostly to Rick. He would let my son check out the cruiser(from the outside of course--lol) and talks to him about his day and just makes him feel special. No other male figure has ever done that for my son and I think that was when I started thinking of him as more than just a friend or regular police officer customer. Just seeing how he is with the public and with the kids---he patrols around the trailer park I live in about once every 2 hours.

As far as how he feels about me this is one of the parragraphs from his letter-------I hate to stick with my rule about dating women here but I just have to. Having said that, I need to also say this. I like you, I like you A LOT, I like talking to you and hearing what you are thinking. You are gentle and caring and I appreciate how you put other's needs above your own. Your kids are wonderful, they are well mannered and very well behaved, they take right after their mother, I can tell you are raising them well. Just because we cannot be more involved it doesn't mean we can't talk.I do not want to say anything inappropriate but I have to say you are a very attractive woman. I think we can both feel good knowing we are attracted to each-other, I feel good when I am around you, and I really hope you feel the same. I do not know if this clears up where I stand, and this is probably enough ammunition for you to get me into some trouble, but I have to let you know how I am thinking, I am just stuck between a rock and a hard spot.------

Ok that is part of what he wrote in the letter, I have investigated him thoroughly--lol after-all it has been 3 years total, I have asked a lot of questions, with other officers and mutual friends. They all say he is a great guy, they all agree he should have fought the pending charges against him but he just took the lesser of 2 evils, he enjoys being an officer too much and did not want to take the risk of losing his badge entirely.

The other guys say they will talk to him, they think we would make a good pair----lol, I plan on just letting it ride, whatever happens is what happens. I am not going to put my life on hold for him or anything. But they (the other officers) say that this incident is just fresh in his mind, and that the 1 other relationship he had in this town went psychotic and when they tried to warn him he wouldn't listen, so yes he is just in a way stereotyping the whole town based on his experiences, that is what it amounts to.

Well I hope I have cleared a little bit of this up now--Fire away----lol

Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:06pm

Maybe you could just ask him how he's supposed to meet the woman he's supposed to be with if he rules out the town where he works, lives and spends most of his time.

I know small towns are a tough place to date because it's like you're in front of the entire town (ironically, dating in a small town is like being a celebrity- you are scrutinized every minute). But if he gets to the point where he feels like it's worth it, he'll be brave enough to tell you. Really though, it's up to you. Are you willing to wait around for something that's so uncertain?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:55pm

Well, he's told you he doesn't want to date you for that reason...so what CAN you do, other than accept it and move on? You can let him know that you're sorry to hear that, and you hope he'll contact you if he changes his mind, but you can't sit around and wait...you need to let go of the hope that he will change his mind and move on.

Oh, and I believe Nick is on her honeymoon this week...she got married this past weekend.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 5:18pm

Hello again everyone *smile*
Lesleylou~ yep you are right, small towns are absolutely crazy for dating-espicially when you are a public figure. He doesn't live in this town he moved to a bigger city recently because everyone was on him all of the time, people in this town are like that with everyone. Part of the reason I had already thought abouyt moving many times. I hate everything about this town. At any rate, I DO NOT plan on waiting for him, I had written the letter to him in the first place because I was getting many mixed signals from him and needed a little absolution about matters. However I do not feel interested in anyone else either, the guys in this town are all a bunch of little boys so to speak, all very immature. Please do not get that confused with I am waiting for him because I am not, just are not any good men around here, all a bunch of drunks or they will not get a job A.K.A they are mostly lazy. I need more for my kids than that.

Sheri~ I guess I pretty much replied to you as well LOL. However sometimes it gets hard to let go of hope with my co-workers and his trying to tell me that he will come around once he realizes how different I am from the other women he has dated in the area. Like I just said the major plan is to just sit back and relax. If something comes my way (whether it be him or someone else) then great however I am not going to put my life on hold for him either. I thought Nick had gotten married a couple of months ago--LOL shows how much I pay attention--lol I wish her luck that's for sure she deserves it. She just always gives such blatently honest advice----LOL. I tend to gravitate toward people who will tell me like it is----LOL

Have a great day all!
Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 9:07pm

Well, the honeymoon is officialy over. Well, the vactaion part of it anyway. :) I have to go back to the daily gring tomorrow. UGH!!!!!!

I think the other ladies are right and that you are too. Just take it easy and see what happens.

The important thing is to never wait on a guy. It isn't really that tough to figure out whether you're ready and WILLING to take a chance on someone. AT the moment he isn't. Maybe he'll change his mind, maybe he wont. Just keep doing what you say you're doing keeping one eye on him and another eye on the horizon for other opportunities.

Just don't ever kid yourself. It's easy to say you're not waiting around but sometimes keeping an eye on the bird in the bush makes you miss the one coming in for a landing on your shoulder. If you start to feel like you're waiting around cut off contact until you can regain persepctive. Then go back to being friendly acquaitances and keep your emoitional distance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 9:39am

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU REALLY LIKE THIS GUY I THINK YOU NEED TO TAKE IT SLOW AND SEE WHERE IT TAKES YOU I DONT THINK THAT YOU NEED TO MOVE YOURSELF OR YOUR CHILDREN RIGHT NOW JUST TO SEE HWERE THE RELATIONSHIP WOULD GO THAT IS NOT FAIR TO THEM BUT IF HE REALLY LIKE YOU LIKE HE SAYS HE DOES THEN HE WILL TRY TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER AND MAYBE ONE THAT HAPPENS HE WONT BE AS SCARED TO TRY DATING AGAIN

GOOD LUCK TO YOU