age diffrences????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
age diffrences????
36
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 1:05pm

Hi all I have a quick question.

I have known this guy for a couple of years now but never really talked to him much up until 8 mnths ago. I am very close to my daughters grandma (my ex's mom, yeah weird but she is my bf)well I hang out there all the time and her brothers friend always hangs out there too. FOr the past 8 months weve been hanging out and we have developed a great friendship. We are so much alike it's crazy. So I am kindof crushing over him right now, see I wasn't really attracted to him but after I got to know him his personality made him seem attractive to me now and he's all around good guy. Well my daughters grandma told me she thinks he starting to have a crush on me. But I never told anyone that I have a crush on him. So I kindof blew it off.

My main problem is our age I am 25 and he is 35 going to be 36. And I have never dated an older man. Do you think that age diffrence is bad?

I want to keep things the way they are but I'm worried if it becomes more than friends down the line, because I have been hurt sooooo many times. But the men I dated in the past were my age or younger. I have never dated such an older man before. But I was told that dating someone older could be better for me. I just need some advice.

Thanks

-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 4:42pm

I agree with Marie ... if pursuing something with this particular man is in your best interest ... and your daughter's (that you daughter approves of him and he fully accepts her, too) ... then, your child's father shouldn't have a problem with it ... he would want what's best for you guys, too, right?

As for the age difference thing, it's really all about being on the same page and how you relate to each other. The age doesn't have to matter. I've always dated older men. My b/f right now is 9 yrs older (just turned 44) ... I've dated a guy 12 years older when I was about 27 ... I've always just found that I've related better this way. It's worked for me. Hopefully, it will work for you too!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 5:53pm
You feel like a kid....ISN'T IT GREAT!!!!! Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:17am

Yes I do feel like a kid! lol!!! Well I seen him Friday and Saturday. When I got off work Friday I went to my daughters grandma's house to go pick up my daughter and he was there and him and my daughter were looking through a magazine together and my daughters dad was sitting in there too. It felt a little akward, my daughters dad gets really bad mood swings all the time and I can tell that he wasn't in a good mood so I left and went to my friends house.(she has 4 kids with my daughters dad's older brother)

Well when I got there my daughters uncle asked me if I would go pick up Andy ( that's the guys name that I kindof have a crush on) because his car is in the shop so I said ok. And I went and picked him up and he was like everyone is trying to get us hooked up and I was like yeah I know, and I was like right now I am not sure if I am ready to date or not but I like us the way we are right now, and I really enjoy your friendship and your company and if anything will happen between us in the future than we will take it from there. And he seemed a little down about but he also seemed very understanding.

Then on Saturday when I went to my daughters grandma's house he showed up about 20 mins after I got there and we hung out until about 10:00pm, and we had a good time.And him and my daughter were playing and making stuff out of paper and glue.

See one of my problems is that I think I am afraid of commitment I get scared and I run. And I was kindof explaing that to my daughters grandma and Andy, It was a topic that we were talking about so I tried to let him know without making it obvious that I was trying to tell him that I am kindof interested in him but I need to move real slow or I'll get scared and run in the other direction.

See I don't know if you have read any other of my post my screen name used to be michelle2123, but I am backwards with relationships, or wired diffrently. I have been in a couple of fwb before and I can have sex with no emotions attached. But when it's with some one I can have feelings for I don't jump in bed with them rigt away and I acually date, but when I start to feel like hey this guy is really starting to like me I get so scared and nervous that I run in the other direction. I don't know why but I do, or if I like a guy but he's comming on to strong I disapear and start pushing him away.

-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:29am
Sounds pretty typical. We all have a tendency to get scared at the possibility of a new relationship. Take it slow. Explain that to him numerous times if necessary. But don't drag your feet TOO much or you may miss out on something great and be stuck with the fwb thing. Which just leaves you empty. For cryin' out loud, don't run!! I know, I felt the same way in the beginning of my relationship with my SO. Running would have been the biggest mistake of my life. Even bigger than marrying my kids' dad. It's the fear of the unknown. The fear of hurt. Getting hurt is the risk we run. It's all worth it in the end. I'd make sure he isn't using your daughter to get to you. Men are very good at that. Keep being honest with him, if he feels you're worth it,he'll stick around. Good luck. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:59am

Thanks for your advise Becky. See I have known Andy for a couple of years now because he is good friends with my daughters grandma and her family so he has been around alot for about the last 2 yrs. He loves kids, he's always played with my daughter and done stuff with her in the past but I never really noticed it until now you know what I mean. He's really good with my daughters cousins too. He has his neices and newphews alot too. He doesn't have any children of his own. I have asked him before in the past if he can have children and he said he thinks so no dr ever told him he couldn't , so to me that shows he is responsible. He said that he wants to adopt a child one day even if he has children of his own he still wants to adopt, he feels so bad for children that no one really loves and he wants to give a child a loving and fulfilling life. He's all around a good guy.
I just never really noticed him before like the way I do know because now I am kind of crushing on him.I mean I've always thought he was a great guy, but I never thought I would have any intrest in him, or he would have interest in me. It just hit me last week like a ton of bricks and I know that it hit him too.

You are right I have to stop running and being scared because that is all that I will have is FWB relationships and I am going to become 90 yrs old all alone never been married living with cats! LOL!!

I have never had a crush like this usually in the past when I had a crush I had more of a lust crush where I wanted to get in bed with the person. Is is normal to have a crush but not the kindof crush where you can not see yourself intimate with the person? And does the intimate part just grow on you within time and as the friendship/relationship starts to grow? But on saturday I was reading something and I didn't know the word and I asked him if he knew what it was and he bent down real close to me to see it and I got butterflies and a weird feeling. So do you think The intimate feeling will come soon?

I know I sound so stupid but I have had more flings than actual relationships and this feels so new to me. I am going to be 26yrs old and I feel like I am 12. LOL!

Sorry so long, I really don't have no one to talk to about this.

Thanks so much!

-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 4:16pm
Girl, he sounds like the quintessential good guy, believe me there aren't that many left. And they are sooo worth having!! Trust me, after a lifetime of being attracted to the so-called "bad boys" I finally wised up!! GO GET THAT MAN AND HUG HIM AND SQUEEZE HIM AND TELL HIM HE'S GREAT AND WHY AM I SCREAMING AND AND AND ok, I'll shut up....for now. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 4:37pm

You are so silly LOL!!! Thanks for your advise. I did go on the May- December relationship board. Thanks for your great advise.

-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 5:00pm
If you want my opinion, I don't think that age difference is that big of a deal unless you yourself are just looking for a fling. I think that when men reach that age they are at their best as far as being ready for a real relationship. Personally, I think it's great you've found an "older" guy (35 is not old at all by the way).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 5:09pm
Ok, little Missy...now get going!! Just make sure to keep us all posted. By the way, if 35 is "old", what in the he** is 47!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait,,don't answer that...lol. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 9:32am

lol!!! Well yesturday when I went to go pick up my daughter at her grandma's house, of course he was there. And I was REALLY stressed out. For one I am moving into a new apartment at the end of May, and that is really stressful, then my landlord called me yesturday morning to tell me that he is going to show my apartment the following morning , and I freaked because my house looked like a tornado hit it cause I am packing and preparing to move so I had to rush home after an 8 hr day to clean. Then my daughters dad calls to tell me that he is dating this girl and he really likes her alot and he wanted to know if I wanted his cell phone (I called it his little whore phone, he had 2 cell phones, what a dork right.) Because he is with some girl that he has been with for the last 3 months and he really likes her and he is kicking the rest of the girls to the curb for this girl.(and that shocked me because we have been broken up for 5 1/2 yrs and he has been a male dog. I mean chicks in and out of his bed like a revolving door)Now I think this girl might move in with him and the thing that bothers me is that she has a young son and I am worried about how my 7 1/2 yr old daughter is going to handle this cause she is daddy's girl. I am also worried that he isn't going to fulfill his need with helping financially to take care of his daughter. I have never had to go and file child support cause he was always helpful, so the stress of that is eating at me, I don't think it would bother me as much if this girl didn't have a child.

Well when I got to my dd grandma's and Andy was there too I lost it I broke down and started crying and venting about the move and my landlord and how messy my apt. is and my dd dad, and he got teary eyed and felt really bad and I thought that was so sweet.

But he made me feel better after he talked to me and he was telling me about his stresses too, one thing that I like about him is that he is a great communicator. Just wanted to let you all know what was going on. I mean everything is looking pretty good so far.

-Michelle