Ahhh soooo confused!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Ahhh soooo confused!!
12
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 12:00pm

I'm frustrated and confused and I need to vent. Some honest opinions would be nice...advice too! Be nice, be mean I don't care....just be honest!!! I can take it!


Anyways...


My best friend is a guy (I'm a girl). I'm madly in love with him...maybe even a little obsessed with him in my mind bc I think of him 24/7. Buuut he has a girlfriend. So, this is a little complicated, just bare with me. It's EXACTLY like that Taylor Swift song, Teardrops on my Guitar....oh and like that Avril Lavine song, Girlfriend.
We hang out every night...seriously EVERY night. But that's bc it's our routine that we smoke a blunt every night. We do hang out other times and go places together, but we DEFINITELY hang out every night. His GF doesn't smoke. She's out of town most of the time and he doesn't even get to see her for like months on end sometimes. From what he's told me, she doesn't do a lot of things he likes to do. OMG me and him would make a much better couple. We have so much more in common. He tells me all the time he has feelings for me, that he thinks about me ALL the time, and that when he is having sex with her he closes his eyes and pretends it's me. Yes, we've had sex...a lot. I know I know, a lot of people are saying "If he cheats on her with you, he'll cheat on you with another girl". Not always true. My sister's BF cheated on his ex with my sis before they got together and they have a great relationship and have been together for 5 years. So there are exceptions to the rule!!!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 12:20pm
I hope you feel better after posting this. Since you don't mind being mean, I hope you don't mind it when I say I can't really help a teenager get together with a guy who doesn't really want to be with her just because OMG it's totally like that Avril Lavigne song and they smoke a blunt together every night and his girlfriend doesn't (you're so compatible). He knows how you feel, if he wanted you badly enough he'd have you, wouldn't he? Shouldn't you be with someone who wants you as much as you want him? To him, you're good enough to cheat with, not good enough to be with. He has zero integrity, yeah there are exceptions to the rule but exceptions are rare. I think it would be a waste of your time to go on hoping that you'll get anything real from this guy, and even if it feels real to you, it's not. Yes your words do sound corny, they sound like me when I was 16 and had no experience with real love or real relationships. He's with someone else because he chooses to be, for whatever reason. The only choices you have are to continue hooking up for him and hoping you can beat the odds, or to stop wasting your life with someone who right now is not choosing you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 1:55pm

Thank you for your honest opinion & sound advice. That's exactly what I was looking for. I need to correct you though. I'm not 16...or even a teenager at all. I'm 26. Go ahead and say it...it's pretty sad. I'll agree with you. I know what I'm doing is wrong and

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 3:24pm
You don't sound "sad" you just sound like you're making decisions (mistakes?) that might indicate you are 10 years younger (you are my age!). Maybe it is true that you can't help how you feel, feelings sometimes are not under our control, but you can control how you act - especially toward yourself - And you can control whether or not you're getting what you deserve in life. I don't think you deserve to be someone's girl on the side. I also wonder how long you would be willing to go on in this situation, if I were this guy I'd be thrilled to have my cake and eat it too - And I wouldn't do anything to put an end to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 4:06pm
I am sorry you are going through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 4:25pm

surf804obx,


Welcome to the board! I kinda don't understand something. If you guys always are together and you vibe like friends and yet have a sexual relationship, why have you not asked him what the deal is? With most men, they will continue to ride out the sweet deal until its not available to them anymore. And he has a sweet deal, he sees his gf for a few and then runs off and handles his business with you, and the gf has no idea and from the looks of it you are cool with this setup.


I know you may absolutely adore him, and that you think about him all the time, but don't you think that its time to get to the bottom of things? Is there something holding you back from asking him what the deal is? Maybe you know he's not going to leave his gf or something? I dunno Surf, something just doesn't sound right. I think you need to bring this to his attention and his reaction will let you know where he stands.


Are you okay with being his "friend"?


PS, since everyone is talking about age, I'm 26 too, LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 4:40pm

I'm a really blunt, straight forward kind of person so he's known all this for a while. I told him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 4:55pm

If he didn't stroke your ego by telling you he thinks about you all the time even when he is having sex with someone else, would you still sleep with him?

People that cheat(are liars if they didn't lie they couldn't cheat) will say almost anything if it gets them what they want.....he could actually mean what he tells you, but IMO he is feeding you what he thinks you want to hear so that you will continue to have sex.

IF he actually wanted to be with you he would get rid of his GF and be with you, he isn't doing that. You are only hurting yourself, not looking at the reality of the situation, but looking at some vision you have in your head about how it could be.

What you need to do is think more (love) of yourself than you do him. You don't or you wouldn't be satisfied with being a side dish. Regardless of what you feel for him (can't help how you feel), it is YOUR actions that actually matter. You should be in control of yourself/life if the action/s you are taking are causing you pain it is insanity to continue those actions, and continuing to hurt yourself. And you really have no one to blame for the pain but yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 4:55pm

The thing is, if he knows how you feel and just continues to go on like that then it most likely won't change. Are you willing to accept that you will always be the chick on the side and she will be the gf?


Surf, I think you deserve better, someone who will be be proud to be your bf and not push you to the side. Its not fair that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings but has no problem playing with yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 9:40am

Well, I am 25, near 26 and I think this all sounds so..typical guy to me and it is so ridiculous (not you, the situation in general). He is having his cake and eating it too. He is too much of a coward to break up with this girl because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, so he just sticks with the status quo and know he can still have you. It's not fair to you (or to his GF) and it doesn't seem like he is going to put a stop to it anytime soon..and why should he? He's got everything he wants.


I know you can't choose who you love, believe me I know, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 11:40am

I think I should re-explain this.


Him and I are friends before anything. We only hook up sometimes...usually when we're drunk...and a lot of times he tries to resist but eventually gives in (not that I push it#.

Pages