To all the people in happy relationships
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To all the people in happy relationships
| Mon, 06-13-2005 - 8:36pm |
I want to ask a couple of questions to all the posters on the board who have healthy and happy relationships (Nick being one of them I know :-)). Did you guys have to go through several long term relationships and dating experiences to get to where you are? Before you met the ones you are happy with, did you work on yourself and take some time for yourself being single for awhile? Where did you meet this person and did you meet them when you least expected it? The reason why I'm asking is I made a decision to end my relationship not too long ago, he's moving out at the end of the month. I'm just going through a really frustrating period right now trying to move on and have been through several long term relationships and countless times of casual dating. I guess I just want some reassurance that there is hope out there for me to be in a healthy happy relationship after all these "lessons" I've had to learn

Well, I didn't date a TON of people or anything (but also, there's no saying that I'm done dating, either); I had two relationships prior to the one I am in. I dated one guy in high school and followed that by casually dating about 5 people until I got into my next relationship. The next relationship was about 3 years (nearly engaged) and ended when I caught him cheating. After that, I was single for about a year. I went on an occasional date and did a lot of "work" on myself. You know, got into better shape, spent time on hobbies, met new people, etc. I also started a new job and saved a lot of money. Then about 10 months ago I met my current boyfriend. I met him online (scary) and really didn't expect it to work at all, but I was getting bored since my friends were away at school and all so I figured I'd give the online thing a try.
I know the frustration you speak of. When my last relationship ended, I thought my life was over... it a lot of ways it was. I had planned to move in with him after graduation, I got a job right next door to him, I had alienated a lot of my friends during the three years we were together, and I just didn't know who I was apart from him. But really, ending that relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel much more sure of who I am now, and I've found a great guy who appreciates it in a way no one else ever has. I'm sure you'll make it through the tough time though. My only real advise is to not try and date before you're really ready. I tried to do that, and it didn't work out so well... even though I met some people I really liked, I just wasn't ready, and I ended up well, not to sound too arrogant, I broke a few hearts doing that. Not good. Just find out what it is you like to do, what you want to do (own a house, paint, run, swim, cook, etc.) and do it!
Yes, I actually went through a bad first marriage before I finally met the man I was supposed to be with. My husband and I are very happy now... but it took a lot for us to find one another.
Yes, I met him in a odd way-- through my ex husband. No, I did not leave my ex for my new husband... I never cheated or anything like that. Stuff happens, and in the end it all worked out for the best. My hubby is a blessing-- he's the best!
Keep your chin up... it is a process of elimination, and sometimes it can take many tries before you get it right!
Best Wishes.
I've been with my DH for a total of 13 years - and yes, the meeting was quite unexpected. I had only been separated from my ex-husband for two months when now DH and I were introduced by mutual friends. Our chemistry was so great that we even had sex on the day we met! We've hardly been apart since.
Before him, I had a failed marriage and a long term relationship - and a few short term things. He's had one long term relationship and a few short term things.
I've spent very little of my life being single - however what I have gained is experience and the ability to work out how identify and weed out the ones I don't want. I've got a list of deal breakers a mile long!!!
Any of the following things would be dealbreakers for me:
unable to communicate
If he "shut down" if there is a problem
If he yelled at me (or others - ie; road rage)
Lack of logic
Low intelligence
Won't discuss the future
drug user
frequent binge drinker
smoker
depressing personality
low self esteem
fussy eater
long term jobless
financially insecure
if he slept with me early on and then judged me as 'easy'
won't do housework
....I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of them right now.
Hang in there and use your experiences to your advantage. Work out the personality traits of the guys you don't want and weed them out quickly.
This is my fourth serious relationship and I absoultely believe I would have never found the peace I have now, the confidence I have now, if it had not been for all of them, even the emotionally abusive one.
I am more then the sum of my past because I choose to do the time and work on myself a LOT and learn from my past. I did take a lot of dating time in between each serious relationships usually about a year to a year and a half. Most of the time I had friends with benefits type arrangements during those times.
By 31 I was about a year removed from the abusive situation and I was about four years removed from my last good relationship that didn't work out. I was still learning from both and still getting over both. I wouldn't say I had given up on love but I had decided that marriage might not be in the cards for me and that was okay.
I have a great life even when there isn't a man in it. I learned to enjoy dating meeting new people and seeing where and if they might fit in my life. I did a lot of online dating. I wont date men I work with and at 33 in Atlanta if you don't go to bars every weekend online dating is a GREAT option. I decided if a life of serial monogamy was better for me why fight it.
After all I had dated two great guys for seven and three years and I had no regrets even though it didn't work out. If I continued doing that the rest of my life it would be pretty cool.
Then along came Pete. Our first date was in February (we met online through Lavalife Intimate Encounters & chattted online for about a month - we both had family memebers in the hospital during that time or we would have gone out sooner) and by June he had moved in and by July he was making cracks about us flying to Vegas to get married.
I can't explain it, but somehow he just fit in my life. The other guys I had been with (well except the jerk) I had loved very much but ultimately something was off. With Pete I knew I had found a partner someone I could always work things out with. We are on the same page in all the ways that matter. Primarily the fact that we both believe strongly in "How do WE fix this? How do WE overcome this?" We don't waste time placing blame or really even see things as "problems" per se. We just look at each other and it's like, "Hmmmm, well what do we do about this?" and then we figure it out.
Not that we don't argue occassionally, but we've been together for about 18 months now and I can literally count the times we've really fought (it's five).
I honestly believe what I have exists for everyone but it does require a lot of hard work, not so much on the relationship but on yourself. Once you've got yourself figured out it's easier to figure other people out.
The truth is in life, it's all about you: your hopes, your dreams, your dedication, your self-knowledge, your sense of personal responsibility, your sense of self-esteem, your accomplishments. When you stop wasting time focusing on the outside influences on your life and focus on the inside and straightening that out, that's when you start to make real progress toward happiness and once you find that happiness and peace with yourself inside it is sooooooo much easier to find someone who fits in your life, someone who you can share yourself and your world with and will make it that much more fun.
No one is ever going to achieve 100% or meet their full potential. No one is ever going to be perfect. But striving towards living up to that potential is a GREAT endeavor and along the way you get really close sometimes. The trick is in accepting life's imperfections and your imperfections and knowing they are NO BIG DEAL and just being happy and moving on when those little trouble spots occur.
Worry about having a happy, successful life and being a happy, successful person and happy, successful relationships will come with little effort. Don't try to force life into the shape you think it should be, guide it and let opportunities come to you even when they are in unexpected places.
Believe me, I didn't EXPECT to find the man I'm going to marry at Lavalife Intimate Encounters. I went expecting to meet new people and maybe find a new FWB. If I hadn't been open to the unexpected opportunities life sent me I would have never met Pete.
There is hope.... I have had my long term, short term, in between term, and no term.... lol But, I do not give up on the hope of happiness. Now I have had my slumps and those are more then I care to count, but I see all these experiences are setting me up to appreciate the right one.
Currently, I am dating a guy only for a short term but he is what I said I wanted when I settled on the guy before him. I see I pick the bad ones the ones I need to change. But, the ones who are good for me and are what I am looking for are the ones that just happen but I tend to not go for.
I was just watching a talk show where author/psychiatrist Dr. Linda Austin said compatibility is important for a long lasting "soul mate" relationship.
Unfortunately I'm not one of the happy people right now, but working on it! I'm in a similar situation as you, except he chose to end things. Please, when your stbx moves out, have him take ALL his stuff from the beginning. Mine still has stuff here and it gives me false hope things will work out. I have received a lot of good advice at Ivillage and this board and am packing his things and moving it all to the basement. If he wants them, he can come get them. I am not making it easy by delivering them.
do all you have to do with Dignity. Someone is out there waiting for you, and I agree with the other posters here, you need to work on yourself, your hobbies, etc and the right one will appear while doing that. He may not be the first one who enters, but leave the door open and he will show up.
I just watched Under the Tuscan Sun. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. A woman who is starting life over again and the strength she had to learn about her self and just do it. Just wish I had the funds to take a trip to Italy, ha ha
Hugs to you and what you are going through. Everyone is here pulling for you!
As long as you keep looking to yourself for fulfillment and happiness you'll find it. It's when we expect to find happiness waiting for us in the next thing or person that happens into our lives that we can't find it.
Happiness isn't something you get from something or someone it's a state of mind. It's something you bring to your life not something you neccessarily get from your life.
I can't say that I'm happy all the time. I get stressed and frustrated on a regular basis. I just don't stay that way very long usually becasue I remind myself of all the great things in my life and that the reason those things are there is because of what I brought to my life not the other way around. If I want to keep them there I have to appreciate and enjoy them and not dwell on the little things that get me down from time to time. That's how I STAY happy most of the time.
Hugs to you, biochic!!
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?