A ? for ALL- What do you do for your BF?
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| Wed, 06-15-2005 - 11:56am |
Hey ladies I hope you can all help me out. The reason why I am asking is my bf sort of jokingly mentioned i was a bit self centered. This led me to think of the things he does for me Vs. what I do for him.
Wow...he has been right I really haven't done that much except cook a couple of times-we've been dating 6 months. He on the other hand, wines and dines me upscale every single weekend. Wining and dining him is not an option I'm 24 and a student, he's 30 and a pharmacist. It's not that I don't care for him, but I am used to guys sort of always catering to me, but I want my guy to really know i care for him. I really want this to last and this is why I want to change.
So what type of things do you do for your guy on a regular basis?
Thanks for helping me out!
Spoiled in Texas,
Raegan

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That one instance that you listed, means jack to me. Why? Because, I HATE cooking, and I rarely cook for my bf. In the 3 years we dated, I cooked for him a few times. More lately, cuz now I live on my own. I'm poor, so he normally pays for my food on the weekends. I try to eat at home, with him helping me cook, so it helps with the money bit. HE can choose to wine and dine me, and does sometimes, but not all the time.
This is self-centered. My bf's xw and xgf, they EXPECTED him to wine and dine them. On his xgf, he spent $1000 a week at ONE restaurant on ONE night. every week. His xw, he bought her everything and anything, and yet, she never cared. she just expected it. i.e. he bought her a $3k Wyland print. She didn't care, didn't even hang it up, even though it was something she SAID she loved. for his bday, she bought him a brown wallet. First, bf doesn't "do" brown. Second, he doesn't "do" wallets. makes you think how well she knew him, or, how much she really cared about his opinion. His xgf, expected him to supply her wardrobe, eat at fancy restraunts every weekend, go clubbing every fri-sun, and buy her tons of expensive jewelry. after he coudlnt' afford it anymore, she demanded he get a better job to make twice what he was making.
Obviously, he's an idiot for doing it all, but the point is. Self-centered and selfish, is EXPECTING it, never appreciating it, never doing ANYTHING for them back.
Do you do ANYTHIGN for your bf? I don't mean cook him dinner. Do you buy things for him, just cuz. Do you pick up things at the store, cuz you asked him? Do you drive on the dates sometimes? Do you give him a backrub because he's sooo tired and stressed? Do you allow him to just sleep, even though you wanna go out? Do you do anything, that sacrifices YOUR wants/needs and money, for him?
Although I couldn't afford much, I still, to this day, thank my bf for every meal he pays for, and I even tell him how much I appreciate it. I tell him when he offers to pay for my golf, that's okay, because I should pay for it. I don't allow him to buy me clothes, or things when I'm there, because I can pay for it. I don't take advantage of his generosity.
Now.....you are a student, but there are things you can do. Heck, take him out on a picnic, not too expensive, and you don't have to "cook" for him. He 'wines and dines' you. Are you expecting that? Are you asking for it? Or is it something HE enjoys doing FOR YOU? See, bf said he ENJOYED doing those things for his x's, until they "expected and demanded more".
My bf may take me out to a $100 meal about 4 times a year. I take him out to a $40 dinner a few times a year, because that's what I can afford.
The other day, he was at work with me, on a Saturday, bored out of his mind. Since I was making OT at the time, I took HIM out to dinner. My way of saying, "thanks for sitting there, doing nothing, waiting on me, for 2.5 hours."
This is the big diff, for me, btwn being selfish and self-centered, versus being poor. Do you expect him to shower you with expensive gifts (be it clothing, jewelry, dinners, etc), or do you never expect it, but appreciate it? Men like doing things for women who APPRECIATE, because it makes them feel good. the MOMENT it turns into an OBLIGATION, because the woman expects or demands it, is the moment he doesn't want to do it anymore. Think about it. What type of woman are you? Do you expect it? Demand it? Or appreciate every little thign he does?
sorry i'm babbling.
~pineapple_girl
Hi pineapple girl thanks for your insight. :0)
Well I do admit I am a lil spoiled, but I never demand anything. I did expect him to wine and dine me in the beginning, but the is the longest a guy has ever done it esp since we are in a relationship phase now. But really it's his idea to eat out all the time. I've suggested cheapier places like IHop for Bkfst on Sun, but he'd rather do a champagne brunch. He's a bit of a food snob which I tease him about it all the time. I actually planned a picnic, but he wanted smoked salmon, this special bri cheese, cavier ect. I was thinkin more like chicken and potato salad, so I dropped the pinic thing b/c I really can't afford his taste-lol.
As for expectations...Yes, I have always expected guys, but never demanded guys pay,for things like dining out, movies,gifts and vacations. In my opinion it's married people who share and split the costs of everything esp vacations. Is this wrong?
thanks
raegan
My honest opinion. Expecting a man to pay for EVERY date, until you marry, pay for your vacations with him, pay for everything, UNTIL you marry IS a bit much. Also, married ppl don't "split" the costs, because now the costs become part of both parties. When I was married. *I* paid. But that was because I had the cash, that was from my xh's money. So in reality, I was paying with his money.
Okay, now for the picnic. I think that was self-centered and selfish of HIM to demand "smoked salmon", and "brie" and all that crap. I mean, if you are going to do something for him, no matter how cheesy, HE can't and should NOT be demanding specific foods.
and if he is, no wonder you're eating out at champagne brunches. That's how my bf was. all into $50 brunches, $100 dinners, $75 lunches, $100 breakfasts, etc. WTF! So when he complained about his xw/xgf wanting more. I simply said, "what'd you expect? you gave them the world, and they got used to it. you never settled for second best (as in products, food, etc) and so, you bought them everything top of the line. the moment they expected something more then "IHOP for breakfast" you freak. You made your bed.
And so is your bf. I find it very rude to have told you what he wanted, instead of appreciating the thought. yeah, you can't do anything for him, because he expects you to do what he'd do for you, and you can't afford it.
honestly, you two better have a deep serious talk about this, cuz unless you start making a lot of money, to treat him the way he treats you, and EXPECTS you to treat him like that, he'll just get more aggravated that you aren't doing for him, what he's doing for you.
DOING things for the other person, should be done out of the heart. And the other person, shouldn't ever expect more, they should appreciate what they can do, in their own capacity. I make my bf cheesy sandwiches. And he says he likes them, which i doubt, since he's a food snob too. only eat sandwiches on "rolls". NOT "white bread". WAHTEVERS!!! but he still eats it and tells me he likes it. lol. Point is. the art of giving and taking, is not about expectations, or wants. it's about doing it for another, out of the purity of your heart.
~pineapple_girl
Chipping in a little late on this one...he's a food snob and you can't afford the tastes, then stay away from food ways of showing you care.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
I've rubbed the current guy I am seeing feet. At first he was apprehensive and would take his socks off but now he has gotten use to it. Heck he has rubbed mine, kissed & licked them why couldn't I rub his. lol
But the lingerie is an excellent idea. I know my guy loves it. Each time he comes to visit or me him I have something new to wear. I have teased him with guess the color underwear by matching with my clothes. First it was different thongs and then his last visit this weekend was silky pj's a nice black see through nightie with the panties and robe to match and the next day was a neat panty and bra set. Ok may be TMI but I love them and he told me the black on be sure I bring with me when I go down to see him next week. Plus what new things I come up with. And actually he is happy for that as something I do for him thoug I reap the benefits because I got to shop for me.
Well, I'm in sort of the opposite situation from you. I my case, I've got the money and my bf is broke. Of course, I'm not pharmacist, so I'm not loaded or anything and I think both my bf and I have learned how to do things for one another on a budget. For my bf, I bake a lot of cookies and dessert type things (they're a lot easier than dinners, especially if you've got a food snob on your hands). I also just try and do and say things to make him feel good... you know, compliments, lingere, massages, etc. He says that he feels like a better person when he's around me, so I think it works. :)
My bf sends me cards and writes me a lot of emails and leaves me messages throughout the day when I'm at work. He also does small things for me, like pack my lunch for work with cheese sandwiches even though he hates cheese so much he normally won't even touch it, or he helps me to remodel my condo by ripping out the old tile flooring and such. I think the key really is, find out what really interests your bf and tap into that. In my case, my bf knows that I'm really interested in my condo and remodeling it, so he does what he can to make the process easier. It doesn't cost him anything, but it means a lot to me. For my bf, I would help him make things for his lesson plans (he's a teacher) or help him build class websites and stuff like that for his teaching.
Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps... works for us though!
Hi gurlcola... in my opinion, so long as you get out of your way to do something for him should be sufficient especially considering you're a student with limited funds. The bottom line is, it's the thought that counts.
I don't know if you two live together or not but perhaps, you can do his laundry? do things that he normally would be doing himself.
In my situation, my SO cooks. I cook, too but there's been times that he complains that he's cooking more often than I am. The issue is, it's not the cooking. He's a fuss bug when it comes to food. I told him that whenever he cooks, I just take it and appreciate it. However, there are times when I cook, because he's a fuss bug, sometimes, he wouldn't even eat or he'll find something else to eat. Now, is that my fault? In my mind, "NOT!". Main thing is I cooked! However, his argument has been, "Why can't you cook what I like to eat?"... Well, although I must admit, it raised my blood pressure to hear that, I kept my cool and maintained an open mind about it. I bought a cookbook of the kind of food he likes and learned to cook it. With this situation, I'll end up being the only one cooking. So, what about what I want to eat? This doesn't always work both ways and that's when we have an issue then we end up eating out. lol
So, there's no issue or guessing game as to what he and I would agree on eating, I order take out and pick it up especially if he's just coming back from a business trip. If I can't afford it for whatever reason or I had no time or whatevers, even if it's top ramen, I'll make sure he'll atleast have something to eat and it's something that I put my time and effort on. If he doesnt like it, I don't fight with him. However, the "next time" wouldn't come around all that easy. lol
I understand your financial situation but perhaps, you can sacrifice some and save for something he likes that you can afford such as tickets to a ballgame maybe? If he likes that salmon, fine. However, due to financial constraints, it's a salmon that he'll only have once in a blue moon. Otherwise, just give or do what you can from your heart because really, it's the thought that counts.
<< In my opinion it's married people who share and split the costs of everything esp vacations. Is this wrong? >>
Yes, IMO ... sharing and splitting costs isn't limited to married people. A relationship is 'you scratch my back, I scratch yours' ... it's reciprocal ... and it's not about keeping score ... it's about sharing ... that doesn't mean that EVERYTHING is shared and split ... but, there's certainly nothing wrong with taking turns. And, taking turns has nothing AT ALL to do with status or funds. It's always the thought and what you can and are able to contribute that counts.
That said, regarding the 'thought that counts' ... I think it's GREAT that you planned a picnic for your bf. Too bad he's too much of a snob to appreciate it and couldn't 'lower his standards' to eat chicken and potato salad. Are you sure you guys are compatible? I mean, really ... you tried doing something nice and he didn't want to b/c it wasn't 'his taste' ... that pretty much blows. How unappreciative!? (ugh)
Anyhoo ... you've already been given some good suggestions as to things you can do for him ... but, my thought is ... if you have to ask, I think you need to get to know what your bf likes and appreciates. And, if the only things he wants and/or appreciates are things that cost money ... and that isn't what you value or can afford ... you should really consider moving on.
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