Am I always bailing before it gets good?
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| Wed, 06-08-2005 - 11:03am |
I feel so overwhelmed again! I don’t think I’m meant to be in a relationship, EVER! It always seems to end the same way… I think I only have a shelf-life of 6 months, and then I don’t want to be bothered anymore! I hate having to answer to someone and having to worry about their feelings all of the time! It's so much more fun the first 3 months... then it gets annoying! I HATE "working" on things... I think I'll just date someone for 3 months, break up, be alone for awhile....then date someone else for 3 months, break up, be alone for awhile, then date someone else for 3 months...
This is probably why I have had the tendency in the past to pick unavailable (emotionally and commitment) men! It was so much easier to do what the heck I wanted!!! Yes, there were MANY drawbacks…. But it’s been too long since I actually had to WORK at a relationship!!! I HATE IT!!! I’m tired of trying to always figure out what’s wrong. Why am I upset? Why is he upset?
You know, I’m really disappointed this time, because I was actually MYSELF this time! I allowed myself to really be who I really am, and I’m getting the eminent feeling again that the end is near! Other times I got that feeling when I started to be MYSELF. You see in other relationships I tried to BE what I thought they wanted me to BE! Then when my real SELF leaked out is when they freaked and left the relationship!
With my current relationship, I didn’t put a mask on! It was actually a relief to be myself and I was pleasantly surprised to find out someone could LOVE the real ME! Well, now I know that we’ve been clashing too much on certain issues… My spending habits are bad. I’ve made a HUGE turn for the better since we’ve been together, but I don’t think my turn around is going to be good enough. He hasn’t said anything about it lately, but I know that is the reason. He’s so direct and says what he means and means what he says… SO I am quietly awaiting the unavoidable shoe to drop so I can say “AHA! You see?? I AM WORTHLESS!!! No one can really LOVE the real me and accept the real ME!” I'm trying to look for signs already... digging into anything I can find that's wrong with this relationship so I have a good excuse to end it and not feel guilty! Like he told me he's going to meet his friends for lunch today (we work together, and it's not like I haven't met these people before)... In fact, the first time he was going to meet his "friends" for lunch, he invited me to introduce me to them and so I saw that he actually had a lunch date with them... Since then, he's gone one more time out to lunch with them (every day we go to lunch together)....so I'm noting down when he's gone on this "lunch" to see if it's going to be a repeated pattern or not. If it becomes more frequent, then I'm contemplating following him to see if it's really his "friends" he is meeting up with... So far, I'm going to try and trust him.
Well, at least we made it to the 6-month marker….we celebrated that last week. I have noticed that after each time I get physically intimate (I’m talking about every time I’m in a relationship and we make love), I tend to think everything is over…. I wonder why? It seems that whenever I reach a point where things are getting more “serious”, I have one foot out the door. Ready to bail before he bails on me!
I read one of the threads in this column where a write wrote: “My ex-husband always said I had a clock in my rear-end.. everything has to happen right away ha ha “ THAT’S ME! I am VERY impatient! I want things now, and I want things fast!
I don’t want to wait around for things to happen! I HATE waiting! I HATE trying to be patient and I HATE wondering “Where is this going?” If it’s going to sink, I want to know NOW so I can take myself OFF this TITANIC!!! ARRRGRgghhHHHH! Why didn’t I stay ALONE????? I wouldn't have all this stress!!!
Thanks for any feedback,
Pooldiva

My honest two cent for what it's worth.
Go to therapy. You have a lot of underlying issues. Mostly that of lack of self-esteem, lack of self-worth, you're acting like a spoiled brat who wants things her way w/o even trying to work on things. You want to take the easy road. The fact that you turn into whatever THEY want is a big indicator of lack of self (think Runaway Bride and her not knowing what kinds of eggs she likes), and that alone ruins ANY r'ship. The fact that you run before you even try, shows you're immature (not trying to be mean, just pointing it out). And lastly, you sound exactly like me, before I chose to look at myself and wonder why I hated myself so much and wondered why I'd take out all my insecurities on the men in my life, and why was I punishing them for hating me.
I was immature. I was spoiled. I was a baby. I wanted it handed to me on a platter, and I didn't want to do any work. I wanted to be me, but I wasn't ever truly ME, because I didn't know who I was. I was mean. I was a nag. I was always accusing them of cheating. I was hurtful, spiteful, and rude to them. And yes, when it started feeling like it was going to end, I'd be sure to end it first and hurt them before tehy could hurt me.
Therapy and self-reflection has helped me see the horrible person I was, and to fix those horrible immature things about myself, so that I could one day, have a healthy r'ship that could last longer than a year.
That's my two cents. Find a therapist, and do a lot of honest self-reflection. You may not like what you see, but you CAN change that person, IF you want to. And when you choose to change, it will be then, you can have a healthier r'ship.
~pineapple_girl
Oh my... can I relate to you. I used to be you in another life. It's a really rough road to travel, and it's usually really lonely.
First off... you are NOT worthless. You have great value. Start playing some new tapes in your head and build up your own self-love before you try throwing your lot in with somebody else. How can you give something you don't have?
Secondly... why do you always feel like it's over whenever you have sex? Is it because you're convinced that you're not good enough? Is it because you feel like all the other person wanted was the sex and now that it's over... dumpsville?
Most important, I found that my issue was rejection. I had been rejected for many years by some key people in my life and it set up a system of defense. Leave before you're left. Run before you're run out on. Wound before you become wounded. I will never fall in love... the guy just wants to tell me what to do, hurt me, then dump me. It was a horrible way to live.
You can get through this... but you need to start with yourself. Do you really hate working on relationships or are you just afraid that once again the problem might be something with you? What if the problem is about you? Do you have to be perfect to be loved? In that case, we're all in a whole lot of trouble.
Take a good long look at who you are. Figure out what you like about yourself and cling to that with everything you are. Be true to yourself. Be real. If you feel like you have to "be" something other than yourself then you're living a lie. Lies never last for long, right? If you uncover a bunch of garbage about yourself... well, welcome to the club! You can't reach the age of 10 without having something in your character that needs to be sharpened or changed. Dump what doesn't work... figure out why you're doing this stuff that isn't good for you or anybody around you.
In a word... therapy. Hope I wasn't too blunt....
I'll write more later... but to answer some questions:
Is it because you feel like all the other person wanted was the sex and now that it's over... dumpsville?
Yes, I do feel that way if I don't feel like I'm in control (control means them liking me more than I like them, so if they dump me it's no big deal)
Do you really hate working on relationships or are you just afraid that once again the problem might be something with you? What if the problem is about you? Do you have to be perfect to be loved?
I am afraid that once afain the problem might be something with me!! My parents tried to make me perfect in order to receive their love. If I didn't act and do EXACTLY what they said or wanted then the love was threatened to be taken away and I was "acting up" I was being "bad"... and this is if I chose to wear a pink shirt instead of black...
Seriously, look into therapy. See if your health insurance covers it. See if anything local offers therapy on a payment basis of your salary.
YOu have a lot of deep seeded issues. And no amount of self-talk and self-love will fix it until you understand how it affects you.
It's been said, the ONE COMMON denominator in every r'ship is yourself. If all you want is control, then it's because you think life is controllable, which in reality, puts you more out of control. Control is a way to protect ourselves, to say we didn't fail, they failed us. Control isn't somethjing you want. It's something you want to learn to give up.
AGain, I'll be blunt, the problem DOES lie within yourself. HOWEVER, that does not mean you're "broken" and can't be fixed. It just means you need some readjusting. There's nothing wrong with being imperfect. Perfection can never be achieved, because eVERYONE wants something different from you. So you'll NEVER be perfect to anyone, and you'll always fail. And that can be harsh.
Fear of rejection. I was told I was emotionally abandoned by my family. And that is why I serach for it in other people, men especially. I look for "love" and when I don't get it, it just reinforces that people will always leave.....even though *I* am pushing them away.
It's time to look inside. Find the reasons, forgive, learn, move on, and restructure yourself and in time, your way of thinking will restructure too. No more being the victim. You want control? Take control of the way you have learned to REACT to teh world around you, and change THAT. MAke yourself better. Therapy, seriously, can help.
If you can't afford that, get a library card and start doing a lot of reading. Self-help books, although some are stupid, many can be helpful.
Hugs. Be strong. You can do this.
~pineapple_girl
In your own honesty, in your own beauty, in your own love... you are perfection. You are the way you were created to be, and these strengths, these wonderful things that are just who you are... those are gifts!
You can take the problems as they come and at least listen to some honest communication, right? If the problem is about you, so be it. Look at it for what it's worth. Take it to heart. Find out if you agree with it, and, if so, do something positive with it.
I really hope that you get away from the cycle you're in. If you continue the same way, you'll wind up in the same spot ten years from now pretty bitter and unfulfilled. When I finally woke up, I'd left a swath of destruction behind myself bigger than any hurricane you've ever seen. It hurt to change, but it hurt worse to stay the same. After years of lost relationships, I woke up and got out. You could choose to do that, too.
Therapy involves a whole lot of trust and a whole lot of honesty. Be sure that you get with somebody that you feel comfortable with, but more importantly make sure it's someone you can respect.
Edited 6/9/2005 8:34 am ET ET by prizzimarie84