Am I Being Ridiculous? Please help!
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| Wed, 08-10-2005 - 3:09pm |
My BF of almost 4 years and I currently are not speaking due to a fight last night...I would love some input/opinions from others to help me figure this out...
He has an apartment and while we don't officially live together, I do stay with him almost every night so it feels like we live together....also, his brother lives next door...his brother does not have a steady girlfriend and always has different girls over, calling, etc.
Last night, my BF and I were watching TV and the doorbell rang...He asked me to see who it was and I did not see anyone at the door but did see a car next door at his brother's apt. (who was not home at the time)...so, my BF walked outside to see who it was...he stayed out there talking to them for about 45 minutes before his brother returned...then they all sat outside talking around back for another 20 minutes...at that time, I called my BF and asked when he was returning since we had some things to do...he came right back...
I asked who he was talking to and come to find out it was two girls, one of which his brother is trying to hook up with...he knows one of them from college...I know of her also because it was a small college...I don't have a problem with him talking to anyone as long as it is innocent...what I have a problem with is him leaving me inside for over an hour to hang out with them....also, I drive over 30 minutes to be with him...I felt like it was inconsiderate of him...he thinks that I am being jealous....jealousy has NEVER been a problem with us either way because we are both social and not restrictive...he never called or came back in to introduce me...he says that he told the girl that he and I are dating since she knows who we both are...
I just think that it is rude and inconsiderate to leave your GF sitting inside waiting on you while you sit outside for over an hour talking with people you barely know...also, I did not go out because I thought it was some of their guy friend because they were driving a truck...am I being ridiculous? Thank you!!

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You are wrong to get angry -
1. He was being polite by waiting with people that were there for his brother.
2.You went to school with them....I would hope that he would have something talk to them about otherwise it would have been rude...
3. Just because it was women out there instead of men is the only reason you were jealous.. you said you didn't go out there because you thought it was some guys... double standard?
4. After 4 years you don't trust your boyfriend who said that he was dating you? You said that he told the girls - isn't that enough -
5. If his brother is trying to set him up with girls- maybe you haven't tried to have a realtionship with his brother maybe you are allowing your boyfriends to have a healthy active relationship with his brother...
What are you going to do if he has to work with women - or travel with a women co-worker.
Besides a man can only be taken if he wants to - throwing jealous fits is one sure fire way to lose a guy.
If I were you I would start apologizing immediately - go buy some tickets to a game for he and his brother to go to - a boys night out.
Edited 8/11/2005 12:38 am ET ET by capecrab
Okay let me clarify some things that maybe I should have earlier-
my BF did not hesitate to tell me when he returned how attractive the girls were and how he doesn't blame his brother for trying to hook up with them...also, he knew what they were there for...his brother is not trying to date the girls, he is just trying to sleep with them...and, the girl is a good bit younger than us, so we were not at college at the same time, but we went to the same school...his brother has a history of having a bunch of different girls over all the time just to hook up...they drink, dance, then spend the night and usually they are not heard from again...
also, I have been around long enough to know that a guy does not spend an hour talking to two attractive girls just to be nice or to make friends...I have had plenty of guys talk to me and 90% of the time they eventually are trying to hook up...very, very seldom they are just trying to be friends...
also, my BF very seldomly goes out of his way to be nice to someone....so, it is unusual for him to try to keep someone company while they wait unless he is benefiting in some way...I just don't believe that he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart...
AND, his brother and I have a very good relationship...I don't think that he was trying to hook my BF up but he also does not see anything wrong with these casual, sexual relationships...he thinks that he will never get caught (which is why he can not keep a girlfriend)...he thinks that it is alright that my BF hang out with him and these girls because my BF is just being there for him as a brother...that behavior is okay for him because he doesn't have a girlfriend but my BF does...his brother's best friend just lost his fiance due to this behavior - being over at my BF brother's house while a bunch of girls got drunk and stayed over...I just want to make sure that the same does not happen to us...
so, the real issue is trust...and I know that is the real issue I should address...but I have my reasons to feel like I do...
Go make up and be happy! :-)
Perhaps she is most bothered that it's not just Any Female, but two (2) girls out there, waiting to hang out with two (2) brothers who are living next door to each other?
From a jealous woman's perspective, those women would seem more threatening cuz of their history with the brothers and the neatly matching duo-ness of it all....
Kiki, I've read through all the posts and I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
My DH sometimes gets caught up outside talking to people...and if he's gone a while I simply go and find out who it is and say "hi". If it's a conversation that I'm not interested in (soccer, work) then I go back inside or if it's just casual talk, I'll join in. It's no big deal.
Just think - if you'd chosen to be friendly and gone and joined in the conversation, you'd know exactly what they were talking about. And you wouldn't be upset. However, you chose to watch the clock and get angry.
<< I don't consider myself to be a jealous person but if that is what it is, then it is...I just don't want to be disrespected and to me, that is what he did...>>
Perhaps jealousy hasn't been an issue in the past ... but, seems to be one now. Sure, you have a right to be upset ... you have a right to feel however you want to feel about it. However, how you react to those feelings as a result of someone else's behavior or actions is what makes the difference.
React with jealousy and you'll get defensiveness in return. Therefore, the argument you guys had. If you don't want to be disrespected ... send a message that says "this isn't ok" ... if your reaction to your BF's absence was to simply leave the situation ... problem solved, message sent loud and clear.
That way, you could have talked it out the next day ... with a clear head ... explaining to him why you left.
As it is, I do think you're splitting hairs a bit ... whether it was 10 - 15 minutes or an hour ... whether the people he was talking to were male or female ... that doesn't matter so much ... what matters is that, if you felt he was being disrespectful by leaving you alone ... your action and response could have been handled differently.
In any case, I think this is one of those "build a bridge and get over it" situations.
If it is a bigger issue of trust, that's something you guys will have to work on.
I just wanted to tell everyone who replied thanks...y'all gave me alot of other point of views that I needed...
He and I had a good conversation this past weekend when we were not upset and defensive...I explained to him how it made me feel and he explained his standpoint, which I do understand...
Looking back, I do think that I overreacted and plan on handling the situation differently if it ever arises again...all of the inputs that everyone supplied really helped me look at things differently than I initially did....thanks again!!
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