Am I being too picky?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2008
Am I being too picky?
7
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 6:52pm

After many failed relationships, I've decided that I'm not settling anymore.  Recently I met a really amazing man.  We get along great and have so much fun together.  He is really amazing in the sense that he is one of the most considerate men I've ever met.  He is really handy and he will fix things on my car or around my house without me asking him.  He is extremely generous in bed and we have amazing sex.  He is always wanting to give me massages.  We've talked about it and he just says he loves doing things for the woman he cares about and wants to be with and that he has and always will be like that. 

As amazing as he is, I feel so hesitant.  He is 35 and his job is a store manager at a drugstore, and he has 2 kids from a divorce. While I don't live a glamorous life, I do sometimes like the finer things and would prefer someone without any baggage.  I'm 33 and I have a great job and love to go out.  We live in a city where there's always something to do.  I have a great balance on my social ilfe and my professional life and I'm not tied down by kids, even though I'd like to have them some day. I like doing fancy dinners and getting dolled up to drink $20 martinis, or going out to a prestigious club and being pretentious every once in a while...I just get the feeling he is not like that at all because A) he doesn't care about that kind of stuff, and B) he can't afford it.  I feel shallow even thinking of these things as a negative, but like I said, I don't want to compromise anymore on what I want out of someone I might want to spend the rest of my life with, and I DO care about that kind of stuff...sometimes.  At the same time, I really really really like him.  I've never met anyone like him before and if his being so considerate and amazing is truly genuine, he's a definite keeper.

I just wonder if I will ever be able to get the full package...someone who is even half as amazing as he is and more like me and on my same page of life.  Will I always have to compromise and just hope for the best?  If I left him and started dating someone else, I know I will miss how amazing he was to me.  I'm just torn because I know he wants a serious relationship, so I don't want to lead him on.  While I can imagine being happy with him, I can't imagine introducing him to my friends or having him come to any group outings.  He would think we were all pretentious idiots who only care about how big our condo is or how nice our cars are, which isn't true, but from his perspective, I can see that's what he would think because he is so the complete opposite.

It's like, I'm more NYC and he's more Wisconsin.  That's what it's like.  Could we really make it work? 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 8:02pm

 You are not shallow just with the wrong man.  Keep him as a FWB/BC.  Date others in your value set.  It is not your fault that he is not interested in having the fun you like.  You are right you are not one the same page.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 8:58pm

For me, personally, since I"m 55 & have been divorced twice, I'd surely take a guy who is nice plus great sex and think I hit the jackpot.  If you have such a great job, then why can't you afford to go out to a nice place once in a while at your treat, if that's what is important to you?  IF you & your friends talk about your possessions a lot, maybe you are actually shallow & pretentious.  I remember that an old roommate of mine married a guy who came from a wealthy family.  When they were dating & she went to stay at his parent's house she said that his mom always mentioned status symbol type of things & it was totally wasted on her because she didn't care about that--like she had to ask me "Is a BMW a good car?"

I think the more serious thing and one that you should think of seriously is about the kids--he probably has less money because he is paying child support.  Depending on how old his kids are he could be paying for a long time--and of course he needs to commit a certain amount of time & attention to his kids.  You said that you also want kids--is he willing to have more?  Some guys who have kids from their 1st marriage are reluctant to have more or will maybe have one & that's it--that's something you really need to find out about.  I think sometimes it's difficult for someone who has never been married/no kids to marry someone who is divorced with kids because the situation is so different and it's hard to understand.  I think it sometimes works out better for a divorced person w/ kids to find someone in the same situation because they get all the hassles like paying chlld support, visitation schedules, dealing with the ex.  And I can see why someone who is single doesn't want to have to deal with all that.  If you don't, I don't think that part is shallow or something to take lightly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2008
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 5:39pm

Thank you both for your responses and insight. I really appreciate it.  Music - yes he DOES actually want to have kids again and we have made 1 or 2 lighthearted joking comments about how cute ours would be if we did have one. 

As for the other stuff, I definitely to offer to take us out and pay for nice dinners once in a while, but I guess I'd like a guy who can do that same for me.  I've always been independant, but there is still a bit of a traditional streak in me of wanting a guy to at least be on my same level.  But of course, that is why I'm asking, am I being too picky?  Are those things really that important?  I guess that is a question I need to answer for myself.  It's not that my friends and I are pretentious or talk about our expensive things...it's just that there is a clear and obvious difference in our lifestyle and maybe the way I feel disappointed that he doesn't take me out to nice places every once in a while, maybe he will be see my lifestyle and that of my friends as something to look down upon as well. 

For example, I switched cars with a friend for a couple of weeks so I could see if I liked that type of car enough to trade mine in for it.  It was a Benz.  I picked him up in it and we never talked about it except my explaining that I was driving it to see if I liked it enough to buy a similar model.  At the end of the two weeks, he had asked what happened to it and I said I decided not to, and  his response was that he thought it was way too flashy.  So..I guess what I meant is that, it's not that we talk about our possessions or whatever, it's just a different lifestyle that is noticeable and I think he looks down on because he feels my friends and I are materialistic, and sure, maybe we are to some extent, but I came from nothing and worked my butt off to get to where I'm at and so I like nice things because I feel I really earned them.  I don't know..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 05-30-2013 - 11:06pm

I think the fact that you call being with him settling and that the thought of leaving him doesn't devastate you, is a sign that you're just not that into him. If you stay with the feelings you have now, he will sense that he's just not good enough for you. If you stayed together and combined households and you continued buying expensive drinks and bought an expensive car, it may lead to financial arguments where he's trying to pay life insurance for his kids and save for retirement, and may think your spending is frivolous.

Just realize that more and more women are becoming breadwinners, and presently there are more female college graduates than men, therefore, they will probably make more money over their lifetime. You also have to consider the economy. If you choose a man for his income, what if he gets laid off? What if he makes half of what he used to? Being financially well off can be fleeting. Just something to think about. 

Unfortunately, crystal balls don't work. You can't know if you'll ever meet a man who meets all of your major goals. Is it easy to find an attractive man who makes more money than you, is single without baggage, wants a long term relationship, is kind and faithful and has all of the same lifetime goals as you? From my experience, it's not easy, but nothing is impossible if you make it your goal. If you don't feel the need to have children, you have all the time in the world. If you want children, your fertility rates started to decline at age 27 and will gradually continue to decline. At age 42, gynecologists say it's very rare for the majority of women to be able to get pregnant after that age. People may appear younger these days, but the egg is still aging. You're 33. It takes 2 years to really get to know a man to see if he's a good potential for a lifetime partner. If you want children, and you want a man who matches all of your criteria, I suggest you get busy dating a boatload of men to find the one, and cut loose the guys who don't match your criteria right away.

Time flies by. I have a friend who is 42 and going bonkers because she was always with the wrong man and concentrating on her career and then at age 39 all of sudden realized it was now or never to have a child. She's been unsuccessful in finding the right man and is making very bad decisions with her baby lust. Don't let time slip away and let this happen to you.

As for me, I'm the breadwinner and yes, I'd like to dress up and have my husband take me to a fancy dinner once in a while, but his idea of a birthday dinner is Applebees. If we go on vacation, I have to pay for it. I don't regret for a day marrying him. He's faithful, goes above and beyond in chores, give me back rubs, picks up stuff at the store that I'm low on, gives me lots of attention, and I feel like I'm his priority. I dated for several years after my divorce. There were 3 guys who made a similar salary than me, or made more. I didn't get past a 3rd date with any of them since I found out that they wanted to make their way through all of the women on the online dating site. That was just my experience, but life is a crapshoot. You never know what will come your way. You never know if you'll regret your decisions. Good luck in whatever you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 11:13am

I think it's admirable that you worked hard to be successful.  I do think that you & your BF need to have some serious discussions about money because money causes a lot of divorces when people have different approaches to spending & saving or what they want to spend money on.  I won't say you are wrong if you want someone who makes an equal salary to you or more.  I'm a lawyer and make what is probably low pay for a lawyer (I took a job in a small firm so I could have more time with my kids when they were little) so I'd say I make a middle income.  I know there is a point at which a guy's income would be too low for me and I'm honest with myself about it.  I've never really had the experience of having a guy who had a lot more money than me so I don't really expect it but it would sure be a nice treat!  It does get tiring having to support myself & kids too.  So I know I wouldn't be happy with a guy who only made like $25,000 or a guy who was retired & living on social Security (at my age, it's the old men who see me as the hot young thing--no thanks!).  So you have to think about whether you would be satisfied knowing that you are probably always going to be the breadwinner.

As far as spending habit too, people have different ideas on that.  some people only buy less expensive things because they have no choice.  I bought a Honda Civic because I knew it was a reliable car but mostly because I could buy a new car for less than $20,000--but cars don't mean that much to me.  If I had a lot of money, I don't know if I'd still spend $50,000 on a car that is only going to wear out.  If I had more money I would spend more on travel because it's something that I love to do even though.  Some other people might think that's a waste of money & want to be really frugal & save for retirement, so you really have to find someone who has a similar attitude toward spending & saving.  I look at some celebrities and I know they have tons of money so they can afford to spend thousands on clothes and of course they have to to some extent, but it doesn't make me admire them because of all that spending on themselves, compared to someone like Bill Gates, who has billions but gives away so many millions to people in need.  I don't think his wife is buying her clothes at Sears but they don't go around flashing how much money they have either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2013
Wed, 11-06-2013 - 8:26am
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2013
Wed, 11-06-2013 - 8:29am