Am I clouding my vision?
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Am I clouding my vision?
| Mon, 05-09-2005 - 12:48pm |
I wonder if sex clouds the issue of if it's meant to be? Like does a woman try to build up the relationship in her mind after she sleeps with the guy - ignoring the doubts she has? Does she have more doubts about if it's meant to be before they have sex?




I think sex clouds the issue for most women. It makes it more difficult to remain emotionally detached. For most women having sex witha man is a very intimate thing and when we share that with a man we are taught that we should feel a certain way.
It's difficult to overcome that. It's difficult to say just becuase I slept with someone I barely know doesn't mean I'm slutty and really mean it. It's difficult to overcome the urge to justify the having had sex with a amn we barely knwo by telling ourselves and others things like, "But we had this really great connection", "I felt like I had known him for years in justa few hours."
Is it possible to feel a genuine connection with someone quickly nad have that feeling be accurate, sure. But personally, I don't recommend counting on the feeling being mutual.
I think women are brought up on a lot of REALLY unhealthy ideas about love and sex and about what we are and aren't supposed to feel and do where those two things are concerned.
I think one of the SMARTEST things anyone can do is embrace her sexual needs and embrace herself and her own ability to decide what to do with her body when.
I don't think I would have been able to find real love any other way. I had to let go of the stigma I had placed on myself for having sex with men I didn't love and be okay with the needs I had and the way I was going to meet those needs even when I wasn't "in love". I had to be okay with the fact that I was going to have sex with men I wasn't not "in love" did not think I was going to "fall in love" and even men I didn't have a "connection" with.
I mean because let's face most of us really mean, "He made me so horny." when we say, "We had this great connection." The later just sounds "nicer" then the former, becasue only a "trashy" girl would talk about being "horny", right?
So that would be Yes, I think sex clouds our judgement. At least it typically does, though we can certainly learn to not allow it to.
YEP...sex clouds the issues, in my opinion.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
That's because for 95% of men, sex changes absolutely nothing. Whether it works out the way you want from that point forward is usually a matter of pure chance.
The thing that changes things for men is when they fall in love with you and no amount of sex, no matter how great it is, will make them fall for you one second faster.
A man just doesn't connect love with sex until AFTER he falls in love. He could have sex with you or 200 other women but sex wont mean much to him other then enjoyment and fun until he truly loves and then it only is cinnected while he's with that person. The next woman has to start all over form scratch to maek the connection and it might never happen.
It doesn't mean he doesn't genuinely like you and enjoy your company either. He can like you and enjoy your company and have sex with you and never really love you.
If I had a dollar for ever wussy guy who said he loved a woman because he didn't want to hurt her feelings and he was afraid if he did she wouldn't have sex with him any more, I'd be a rich woman.
If you ask me that doesn't make them scum either, just wimps. It also makes us pretty darn niave for buying it when all other signs point to the fact he's simply giving in and settling because he's a gutless turd.
I can say that well, becasue I've fallen for it myself, more then once. After a while it becomes pretty obvious.
So here's a question. What does it mean when the guy asks to be exclusive before you have the sex and then just one night things 'click', as a woman you naturally think (especially if you've been hurt and have a humungous wall up, but dang it to heck he made you horny and you gave in) that 'ok he got what he wanted and now he'll be gone', yet he reconfirms his 'commitment' to you (his words) and is still interested in building a friendship, still sees a future with you more so than ever and still wants to move forward with the building a foundation based on friendship? Do you still keep your apprehensions up, but concede that maybe this guy is for real and sincere?
Just asking....before my anxiety attack rears his ugly head. The story in between the question is I met a guy, he seems sincere and genuine, we talk for hours on end about everything that he and I can imagine,and the subject of sex actually never came up. One night things just happened and the next day he reconfirmed that in crossing that line he committed to me, but still wants to build the friendship we had started even if it means 'forgetting' that night. My head of course wants to protect my heart b/c there is potential for falling for this guy, but my gut and heart says to take a chance on him and see where it goes...but I am paranoid at best on a bad day :O)
Thanks for listening and any advice...
Well, every situation is different and difficult because each time with a new guy you have to make that choice to give in and trust or take a hike.
Be honest with yourself, is it really too late already? Are you already involved hook line and sinker and your just trying to play it smart or be "tough"? If you've already fallen just go for it and see what happens. The damage is already done, it's going to hurt no matter what now.
If on the other hand the only thing that would be hurt is your pride at this point then, personnally, I would try to maintain a safe emotional distance until I felt I knew him better.
You can talk and talk and talk to a guy and still not really know him. Hours of conversation and good talk can all be swept away if his actions begin to show he has questionable character.
Don't let feeling things "click" or a "connection" set your good judgement aside. If your head and your heart are disagreeing look deeper into yourself pay attention to your body. Are you tense? Do you feel like you've got adreniline pumping through your veins all the time? Believe it or not those are BAD signs. Your body shouldn't be having a "fight or flight" response to, which is what these are signs of.
Figure out whether it's your insecurity and fear of being hurt causing that response or if your woman's intuition has picked up something you missed? You wont find the answers trying to "figure him out", figure YOU out and you'll have them.
Thank you for your insightful advice.
To answer your questions, I'll try to hit them all. My fear is more of being disappointed. In the past I have had that 'woman's intuition' about a guy (most of the ones that I've dated) yet I still went full steam ahead so right now the 'anxiety' I am feeling is really in my own judgement. For the first time in a long time those warning bells are NOT going off and I guess that is what makes me nervous. It is safe and accurate to say that as much as I know that if it is the Lord's plan for me to be with someone then let His will be done. However, deep down I realized, as I went through my healing process after my divorce, that I didn't really believe that I'd find a nice guy, who was true honest and sincere and just 'gets' me. It's only been a short while so I can not say that I've fallen for him hook line and sinker, but I can honestly say that this is the most genuine guy that I've met in a long time and on one hand I don't want to ruin it with my jaded perceptions that I have about men, but hid all too well even from myself, but also don't want to be disappointed again. So I guess if I've fallen, its only in the respect that I am interested to know where this could go because 1. it feels right, 2. feels like it has great potential and 3. I don't want to spend my life 'scared' of getting hurt because then I'll never be open to that happiness should it come along.
And for the most part, when doubt starts to come in, he surprises me by staying true to his word.... :O)
Does any of that make sense?
Absolutely, I felt a lot of those same things when I began dating my now fiance. I was afraid to trust my own judgement. I even let that fear cause problems for us. Fortunately, he was patient and understanding as I worked through those fears, but I had to be honest with him about how I felt so he could be.
Ultimately, if you're too afraid to love you'll never be loved completely in return. Love isn't something you cna do only half wya (or at least I have yet to meet a person who can).
You can either allow your fear to prevent you from experiencing love or you can find a guy you think is worth taking the chance for and go for it. I've had my heart broken more then once, there has yet to be a time it hasn't healed.
I decided I should listen to my intuition and go for it and stop looking for trouble where there wasn't any. Just keep examining yourself and your own motivations and feelings and intuition, eventually the scales will begin to tip to the side of "I'm allowing my fear to rule my life and even if I do get hurt again, big deal I'll live it's not like a broken herat is gonna kill me." or "Wow, how could I have missed THAT red flag?"
Sounds like you just might have found yourself a good guy, just trust yourself and you'll be fine.
Obviusly, you're a religious person. I'm not in the traditional sense but I do know three things about my higher power. One: Nothing is EVER going to happen to me that I can't handle. If I couldn't handle it wouldn't happen. I don't really believe that God tests me or places hardships in my life for me to grow, but I do believe that I grow from my mistakes and missteps and that I'll never have to face anything I couldn't overcome. Two: My intuition is the voice of my higher power. It's my conscience, my moral compass, the very best of every part of me, the very best of every person who has ever touched my life, everything I know to be true and right. Three: God was never going to send me a sign or tap me on the shoulder and say, "Yo, this is the guy I sent to spend the rest of your life with." He was going to expect me to love and take chances and fumble my way through and figure it out and have faith enough in myself that I could. Enough faith in myself to put my faith in another person and love them with all my heart, the same way I have faith in a higher power and an after life. Not because I can touch it or becasue I was given a sign or because it made "sense" or I was given any sort of guarentee but just becasue it's what I knew was right and true for me.
Thanks for the encouragement :o)
And even though you may not be spiritual in the traditional sense, our beliefs are somewhat similar. I do believe that in life you go through tough times only to come out of it stronger if you choose to see the lesson in it. I do believe that God has blessed me on so many levels, but I don't think that He is going to tap me on the shoulder with the 'Yo this is the dude'....I used to think that. Then I realized that it's only God's plan to give us the necessities in life and it is not His promise to provide us a mate and especially not the 'perfect' mate. He may place people in our lives and its our choice what to do with that person. So I say all that to say that with this guy I haven't questioned God as to his 'role' in my life and is he 'the one'. I am just going with the flow and so far it's a good feeling.
As I was writing that post last night he called and could hear something in my voice so I talked to him about my anxiety attack and he was very understanding and supportive so I am comforted in knowing that he is 'there' for me. And what you said about going with the flow even if it doesn't turn out good, but allowing for heart break and knowing that if it does result in heart break, I'll be fine and get over it. That's what I am aiming for. Of course, the other alternative, a happily ever after is my preference :O) But I am open to see where this can go and the layers that are protecting my heart ARE melting so my heart is eventually going to be open to love again, just at a gradual pace and he is very understanding and patient in that.
So thanks again for the words of wisdom and encouragement to trust and believe in myself and in him. :o)
OMG!!! I agree with you completely nick91171.
I posted age diffrence and I just had updated it. And finally for the first time in my life ever I am finally doing it right. The guy that I like alot we had the "talk" and mine and his future looks great. We both want to be with each other, he already lives the domesticated life and is happy with that life style. And that is what I want too. I am in my middle 20's and he's in his later 30's. But I have an 7.5 yr old dd and my mind is way older than my age. Even my life style got about 7 yrs older than what I am. But I'm ok with that. But him and I are taking things slow and want to leave the sex and physical stuff for last, because I got burned in the past and so has he buy rushing into things.
I want to experience falling in love without sex. And he does too. I want the first time I have sex with him to be special, I have never once in my life experienced a special part of the sex cause it was just "sex". I always jumped in the sack, and I am one of those girls who don't get emotions for guys if I sleep with them. But sex does cloud your vision, and that's why this time I am going to do it the right way! lol!!!
I think I finally found a great guy that I wouldn't mind spending my life with and I want to be in love with him first and then have sex together. I have never experieced that before and now I want to.
-Michelle