am i a commitment phobe??
Find a Conversation
|Sun, 04-19-2009 - 5:36pm|
i had been seeing someone on and off for the past 9 months. when we met, i made it clear that i would likely be moving soon and i just wanted to have fun. i was also finishing my phd dissertation, working full time (in a job i hated) and was about to turn 35. needless to say over the 9 months i was under a lot of stress re. my career and turning 35 made me anxious about getting older and having children (or not).
the guy i was dating was really awesome in so many ways, was extremely supportive and loving. but the way we started (me with one foot out the door) clearly affected him. he also suffers from insomnia which translates into a lack of filter when it comes to thoughts. this was countered by me being too filtered and keeping things in that bothered me.
anyways, we broke up and got back together several times. we never completely seperated. but i was a mess. i knew he wanted kids relatively soon, wanted to buy a house etc. and i was so scared. scared that i would lose who i am. that i had to choose between career and kids. and i have worked so hard for my career.
i recently graduated, quit my job and told him, i needed some time to breathe, to figure myself out. i don't expect him to wait. but i cannot stop thinking about him and what i may have lost. i'm scared my fears are paralyzing me. i'm scared i'll turn into my mom who married and dropped everything for a husband and kids and now is totally miserable with little sense of self.
i don't want to live in fear. i want to be able to have a healthy relationship but i'm scared i'm using excuses like "if its right i would know" etc when really maybe this is my problem. i have been single for a long time...