am i a commitment phobe??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
am i a commitment phobe??
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 5:36pm

i had been seeing someone on and off for the past 9 months. when we met, i made it clear that i would likely be moving soon and i just wanted to have fun. i was also finishing my phd dissertation, working full time (in a job i hated) and was about to turn 35. needless to say over the 9 months i was under a lot of stress re. my career and turning 35 made me anxious about getting older and having children (or not).
the guy i was dating was really awesome in so many ways, was extremely supportive and loving. but the way we started (me with one foot out the door) clearly affected him. he also suffers from insomnia which translates into a lack of filter when it comes to thoughts. this was countered by me being too filtered and keeping things in that bothered me.

anyways, we broke up and got back together several times. we never completely seperated. but i was a mess. i knew he wanted kids relatively soon, wanted to buy a house etc. and i was so scared. scared that i would lose who i am. that i had to choose between career and kids. and i have worked so hard for my career.

i recently graduated, quit my job and told him, i needed some time to breathe, to figure myself out. i don't expect him to wait. but i cannot stop thinking about him and what i may have lost. i'm scared my fears are paralyzing me. i'm scared i'll turn into my mom who married and dropped everything for a husband and kids and now is totally miserable with little sense of self.

i don't want to live in fear. i want to be able to have a healthy relationship but i'm scared i'm using excuses like "if its right i would know" etc when really maybe this is my problem. i have been single for a long time...

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Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 5:07pm

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Registered: 05-04-2007
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 2:01pm - Childfree Board

There is also the possibility of not having kids. It's not for everyone.

Or, he could be stay at home dad & you could work. That's becoming popular too.

Otherwise, do you ever feel like a perfectionist? Some comments about being a perfectionist & fear of failure & not being able to finish projects have hit home with me. That you want everything to go right, so it's hard to get going. I know I stand in my own way sometimes, trying to see how it will go, before making decisions, & fearing the "wrong" way.

So I'm trying to recognize it & take steps. Little things, like don't keep thoughts in. No one wants to be rejected, so if I was afraid of telling someone how I feel about them, how does that make them feel. Isolated. So it would make us both little islands waiting for the other to reach out.

Also, he could be just the wrong guy. They can seem great & would be good for you ... if only you liked him more. But you can't force it, or you will be in the miserable spot.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha