Am I crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Am I crazy?
2
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:39am
I've never posted on here before, and any advice would be great. I'm 26 years old and have been in a relationship with a man for over 6 years. He is 12 years older than I am. We have had a somewhat rocky relationship. He has never gotten along well or fitted in with my family and we have never seen eye to eye on our futures. I've always known that one day I'd like to get married and have a child. Because of his age, he always leaned toward not wanting marriage or children. Even though I knew all of this, after 3 years together I moved in to his house. At first things were great. I think we both got extremely used to have each other there. After about 6 months of living together I started feeling the marriage itch, and began pushing for a proposal. All this did was make him pull away from me. Things became tense, he started lying to me and always wanted to go out with his friends. I became jealous and moody. 3 months shy of our 5 year mark I moved out of the house. That was over 15 months ago. For the first 9 months after we broke up he and I stayed in contact. Then, we had another falling out and I told him I no longer wanted to be in contact with him. At about the same time he started seeing a new woman. A couple of weeks after we quit talking I also started seeing someone new. It was very difficult, but I did start moving on with my life. I came to terms with the fact that even though I will always love him it was better for me to not have him in my life anymore. So then, out of nowhere 6 weeks ago, he calls me in the middle of the night. At first he says he just wants to hear my voice and he still loves me. Then, within a couple of days he tells me that he has been rethinking some things in his life and he wants to see if things will work out again between us because he thinks he wants to get married, eventually. At first I was in shock and didn't believe him. After thinking about things for a while, I decided I did want to give it a try. There were a few things I asked from him, like going to see a counselor with me and trying to make an effort with my family. He agreed to both. In the mean time, I told the new guy (who the ex never knew about) I had decided to get back with my ex. Within 2 days of telling my ex that I did want to give it another try, he told me that he decided it wouldn't work and he walked back out of my life. Now, I'm back to having a serious broken heart. I've hurt the new guy I was seeing and now I'm alone. The funny part is, even though I know he is a jerk, I still want to be with my ex again. So, anyway, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? Why do I love this guy, still? When am I going to see that he does nothing but bring hurt and distruction to my life? Does anyone out there have any advice???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
In reply to: aznichole
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 2:41am

I am going through sort of the same thing!!! That's why I am here!! I am sorry this is so long..but I want you to understand that the man you described reminded me of this man. So if you see that my ex is an ass, maybe you would see the same man in my ex and decide that you too may want to consider moving on with your life and finding life to be much more peaceful for you!!

My ex husband and I were married and together for 6 years. He was sooooo very bad for me and in retrospect, I knew this all along. But we were very close and he was charming and all that, oh and AWESOME sex life. Anyhow to make a long story short......he lied (something he could and would do very well!!)went to jail, I divorced him and moved on to an older, gentler and stable man.

The ex gets out, meets a new girl and within 4 weeks, they're living together. Within 3 mos of getting out, he tracked me down and started the same thing with me!! Loves me, wants us to work and all the while he is saying that he is NOT with this new girl, that they are just friends....LIE..gets a new car and says it's his.....LIE...gets her to put him on her deed to her house and bank accounts and credit cards. All the while, calling me and saying he loves me. He convinced me to get an apt. for us and I did!! I was going to leave this new guy, but his GF called me the same day(she foound my # on his bill) and said they ARE living together and she is his GF!! Luckily I got my $ back and my boyfriend!!

One year later......I am married..he has been contacting me off and on the whole year! Says his GF gets on his nerves, sux in the bedroom, is nerdy and a geek, can't stand her family, wishes he could be with me..that he will forever love me. He is getting married this month!!!!! Still hasn;t even admitted to it. He says it's next year!! But I know soemone that was invited! And he says that he know he will back out (NO HE WON'T) Oh and here's the kicker...he called me 4 times on the night they celebrated their bachelor/bachelorette party and referred to me on my VM as "hey baby" What the heck is that crap all about?? He's got me soooo confused and I must admit that I am really hurting over this wedding!!

My marriage is going fine and all, especially since I know the ex is getting married. It's like I can finally put it all to rest. Now I KNOW there is no chance ever agin for us and I can FINALLY concentrate on my marriage fully as I should've been all along!!

I know that he is bad for me...so why do I let him get to me like that and why would I even consider leaving a great man that I know is good for me, for him? He's like poison to me and I know it, but I want him and I am sad he's getting married.

I have decided that I MUST find a way to put closesure to all of this and I am working on feeling blessed for what I do have and even more blessed for what I don't.
She gets to move into my shoes and she is already getting lied to and I honestly beleive that he is marrying her b/c she gave him so much of her stuff (this is a very materialistic guy) and he has indebted himself so much to her, that this is the easiest route to take. For him,that is. Her life will be unstable and she can deal with his moodiness and shutting down and not talking about reasons he is so uptight. She has many, many tears to cry over this man and I only have to deal with tears for him this one LAST TIME!!! So for that, I THANK HER!! I think this at this moment, but I know after he is in fact married, that I will FEEL that way too. I am almost hoping for the day so I can once and for all say GOOD-BYE and get on with my life, happily and peacefully!

Good luck and I welcome your opinion about my situation. It's pretty messed up, I know! I don't get him and I finally don't care to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: aznichole
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 8:04am

Let me mention something you may not have considered, something that I realized in retrospect I was guilty of doing in the past.

It's called looking for the shortest distance between two points. You know that you'd like to be married and start a family some day. You know you'd like to be with someone who loves you and wants those things too.

May I suggest that you consider, that even though after three years of dating you KNEW he didn't want a family or to get married, period, let alone with you specifically, you moved in with him anyway. Why do you suppose you did that? It was contrary to your goal. Because you don't just want a man who loves you you want a man who loves you and wants to be married and have a family. I propose it was because he was still the shortest distance between to points in your mind.

It wasn't becasue you thought he was the ideal partner or even a good one. It was because you loved him and he loved you and you figured you could make the rest happen. After all love is supposed to be the hard part, right?

Wrong!!!! Love is the easy part. Falling in love is easy, it's 85% hormones and lust. Falling in love with the RIGHT person now that's a tricky prospect.

So then he comes back along telling you just exactly what you wanted to hear that the distance between those two points had magically gotten even shorter. Of course, you lept at the chance it's only natural.

Well, in the mean time the "reason" he had his epiphany, more then likely the other chick dumped him, has equally magically not become a factor, more then likely they got back together or he met someone new.

I know it really sucks and it hurts; but, the hurt will pass and you'll meet someone new too or maybe you'll let a little time pass and give the new guy a call and explain yourself. But don't lose the lesson. The shortest distance between two points isn't always the best route to take. ESPECIALLY when it comes to love.