Am I done?
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| Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:20am |
This is kind of an update and question. I posted before about my gfriend being distant and not being intimate for several weeks. Well the past couple of weeks she didn't even seem to want to spend time with just me in the way she did before. Her e-mails have gone down to maybe 1 short one or none if I don't write her. She still phones every night but very very late and she used to do phone earlier.
The context is that we used to e-mail 4 or 5 times a day and talk a lot of the phone, have great sex, she would make sure she spent an evening with just me and she would seem excited to see me. The change came when I had to stay with her for about a month. Then she became more distant. We had only been dating for about two months then. Now it is 3-4 months. The other night it was obvious I was upset by the whole thing so we talked about it. She told me that since she doesn't have any time alone, she feels we rushed things and that as a result her romantic feelings have gone away.
So now I have decided to give her space because I really want to work things out. She is amazing and it would be very sad if things didn't turn around. So I am not e-mailing her although I would respond to hers if she e-mailed me. I also will not phone because she likes her evenings to do her thing and I imagine will phone when she wants to talk. I also suggested that we only get together for dates in the next bit and not hang out for days on end or with groups of other people. I would like our relationship to change before hanging around with other people.
I guess only time will tell if she is finished with me or if this can be turned around. I am praparing myself pyschologically for this. When I left after the "month stay" she said she was feeling really sad like it was a breakup even though she feels this will maybe be better in the long term for us staying together. Maybe she just needs some time to figure things out. But then again I have never heard of somone asking for alone time or space and then coming back to the passionate state they were before so I am kind of worried.
In people's experiences is there hope or is this pretty well ruined because we rushed it or because she just lost interest? Am just clinging on to hope where there is none.

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If I were you I would just back off for a while. And go on with your regular daily activities and let her call you if and when she is ready. I know it's a hard thing to do, but we all have been in a situation like yours and I just went through it in July.
If she wants to have her space then let her do her thing and not bother with her. See she knows that she has you waiting by the phone so she is not threatened by you. But if she doesn't hear from you at all not e-mail no phone. Then she is going to wonder what YOU are doing. And if she truly does want to be with you then she will get in contact with you and see what YOU have been doing. If she doesn't want to be with you then she might not care that much that you haven't tried getting ahold of her, yeah she might call but the call might be out of curiousity.
So let her be and see what happens.
-Michelle
Yes it is difficult because last week when we talked about having "dates" rather than endless hanging out she said she still wanted to talk every day. But I guess maybe I should just focus on my own life and either way it may change things for the better with her or allow me to move on.
The one thing I worry about a little bit is that SHE may think that I am losing interest or rejecting her if don't call.
Absolutely...I've been reading all the posts and I could totally argue either side.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
The guy that broke up with me in July totally took me for a loop. We spent all of 4th of July weekend together we spent the 4th of July also with his parents, when I left his house the next day he gave me a kiss and said he will call me later. And everything still seemed to be the same. But he didn't end up calling and on July 7th I rec'v the phone call that he needs space and he doesn't know what he wants in his life now.
He told me that me being understanding is only going to bring him closer to me. He said if I would have over reacted that it would have pushed him away from me. He said that if we are meant to be than we will get back together. I asked him if he still loves me and he said yes and he said that you don't fall out of love with some one over nite. You know what I say that was all bulls***, cause I never heard from him again and that was 9 mnths ago.
Good let her think that! If she truly needs this "time" to herself away from you (cause she is still doing everything the same that she was before but just not involving you)then have her end it.
If she thinks your not interested anymore or losing interest believe me she WILL call you because she WILL be afraid that she is losing you. But if she doesn't want to be with you then she won't care.
-Michelle
Thank you everyone for your advice and thoughts.
I know that the status quo isn't working. The last couple of weeks I spent more nights at my place and we saw each other less and e-mailed less. I had hoped that that might work but it didn't. I also know that asking her for dates or saying I miss talking to her doesn't make her phone me or e-mail me or agree immediately to the dates. As pointed out the only option it seems is to just leave her alone.
It is extremely difficult though. Even if she phoned me up right now I am in such a sad and emotional state I probably wouldn't be that fun to talk to right now. The only thing that would make me happy right no is if she wanted to see me and was warm and affectionate like before. Otherwise I just end up distressed. Something tells me she isn't in the warm and affectionate headspace yet.
Edited 4/1/2005 10:10 am ET ET by catalone2005
I don't think that she is ever going to be in the warm and affectionate headspace like you said. I'm not trying to be harsh , but you need to stiffin up your lower lip and quit depressing yourself because I think she's already gone but just haven't gotten the courage to tell you yet. I wish you luck
-Michelle
You have only been with her not even 5 months. It's going to be had to brake away from her but once you do the healing process will be quicker cause you haven't been with her that long at all.
You seem like a really nice guy and I think she knows that and that is why she hasn't gotten the guts to brake up with you. I think that is why she is avoiding you cause she probably wants to push you away on purpose and she probably hopes that you'll get the drift and back off so she doen't have to be the bad guy.
I have done this in a past relationship I thought that the guy I was with was/possibly the one but it turned out he wan't and the longer we were together the more I was relizing that I didn't want to be with him. He was a great guy very nice treated me very well, but I didn't feel like I did for him like I did a couple of months prior to the break-up.
Have you ever been in a past relationship like that to where you liked the girl and everything but then you didn't seem that interested in anymore? Cause it's kindof like that.
One thing I learned in the game of love is that sometimes you break peoples hearts and sometimes your heart will get broken. That's just the game of love you lose some and you get some.
-Michelle
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