Am I done?
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| Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:20am |
This is kind of an update and question. I posted before about my gfriend being distant and not being intimate for several weeks. Well the past couple of weeks she didn't even seem to want to spend time with just me in the way she did before. Her e-mails have gone down to maybe 1 short one or none if I don't write her. She still phones every night but very very late and she used to do phone earlier.
The context is that we used to e-mail 4 or 5 times a day and talk a lot of the phone, have great sex, she would make sure she spent an evening with just me and she would seem excited to see me. The change came when I had to stay with her for about a month. Then she became more distant. We had only been dating for about two months then. Now it is 3-4 months. The other night it was obvious I was upset by the whole thing so we talked about it. She told me that since she doesn't have any time alone, she feels we rushed things and that as a result her romantic feelings have gone away.
So now I have decided to give her space because I really want to work things out. She is amazing and it would be very sad if things didn't turn around. So I am not e-mailing her although I would respond to hers if she e-mailed me. I also will not phone because she likes her evenings to do her thing and I imagine will phone when she wants to talk. I also suggested that we only get together for dates in the next bit and not hang out for days on end or with groups of other people. I would like our relationship to change before hanging around with other people.
I guess only time will tell if she is finished with me or if this can be turned around. I am praparing myself pyschologically for this. When I left after the "month stay" she said she was feeling really sad like it was a breakup even though she feels this will maybe be better in the long term for us staying together. Maybe she just needs some time to figure things out. But then again I have never heard of somone asking for alone time or space and then coming back to the passionate state they were before so I am kind of worried.
In people's experiences is there hope or is this pretty well ruined because we rushed it or because she just lost interest? Am just clinging on to hope where there is none.

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Thanks Michelle.
My gfriend just phoned. It had been two days since talking and she went out the past two nights so we didn't talk. She seemed very friendly and talkative. I just kept the conversation casual and was very calm and didn't express any missing her or wanting to see her. (Even though I am really wanting to see her)
So we talked for a bit and she didn't bring up getting together on the weekend so I didn't either. I didn't talk about the weekend at all in fact. It will be difficult but I won't ask her out. My next step will be if we don't see each other for an extended period of time ask her what she is thinking about us "dating" because to date you need to see each other and it is hard to go long periods of time without spending "quality" time together.
Hugs.
This is ONLY MY opinion....so take it with a grain of salt.
I have NEVER EVER understood the "I need space" comment. I can understand if you're being overbearing, needy, clingy, etc, but you know what? You're not. You have given her a lot of space and yet, she still needs more. That's BS. I know one poster here said we were jumping to conclusions......however.....I can understand needing space from how much you two WERE seeing each other.....but you have cut WAY back. And I mean WAY BACK.
I see my bf Fri night, Sat all day, and maybe Sun, but not normally. I talk with him on the phone MAYBE a few times duirng the week. But I don't see him. We may email, but not always. Sometimes I dont see, talk, nor email him Sun thru Thurs. HOWEVER, we do see each other on the weekends, even if we have other plans, or are busy. We make it a POINT to see each other.
Now, if she was making an effort, planning dates with you on the weekends, etc....I'd be telling you to be patient. That she does need to adjust to the space and to allow it. HOWEVER, because she's
Thanks Cherbear.
Despite the fact that I am just dying to get this reconciled one way or the other I will just be strong and patient for the next little bit (don't worry, not months!). There are two things I need from her that would make me continue and put in more effort:
1. Some enthusiasm for me and a turning around of her emotions through actions.
2. Some effort and intiative on her part for us to date and enjoy each other.
I will apply zero pressure to see her this weekend because I already expressed last weekend and yesterday in an e-mail that I would like to see her. This should be her cue to respond.
So if she doesn't bring it up and then next week goes by and there is no plan to see each other then I will bring this up in a very serious way with the end result being change or this all ends.
It is so hrd for me not just have this discussion now but I want to give her the opportunity to initiate because this is the first week where we have really reduced how much time we spend together.
Hello, I am so glad that you handled the situation as good as you did that's great! MAke sure no matter how hard you want to don't get needy sounding. Stay strong and stay firm. If it's meant to be it will be. I hope in your case everything works out for the best.
-Michelle
I think you're doing the right thing. She needs to step up to the plate and either let you go, or at least date you...which, like you said, means SEEING YOU.
Good luck and stay strong.
Update on this relationship situation.
I didn't phone last night before going out and then received a message from her that night saying how she was going out and that she misses me on this first weekend apart and that she realizes she was taking me for granted and that not having me around is changing that.
So I phoned her today and we chatted for bit and I mentioned how it is strange to not hang out. I said that not being together this weekend is good and that I am doing lots of different things. She said that she is moving back into finding herself after all our time together and it is nice to just have time where she ends up bored because it really makes her appreciate me. She then wonders what I am up to. She said this is the first time that she has actually worked at being independent and doing her own thing while being in a relationship. I said that when we start getting together again we need to have time limited dates rather than hanging out for three or four days. I suggested that we go out next weekend one night and then maybe hang out part of the next day but then end the date so we can get to do our own things. This way when we hang out we won't be thinking about what we aren't doing because we are spending all our time ith the person. I didn't get whiney or emotional but did tell her that I miss her and think she is amazing and will apprecite seeing her again. We signed off saying that we would either talk later today or tomorrow.
You know this sounds familiar except that in my case, I was the one behaving like your girlfriend. I was pretty young then, I think I musta been something like 22? Well I started seeing this much older man and in the beginning, I did really like him coz he was mature and he bought pretty presents for me and stuff and we went on vacations. It was all I wanted at 22!! Well, we carried on like that for about a year and then I met someone else. Because this guy had treated me so well, I couldn’t break it off with him completely. I kept on lying to him. Whenever we’d plan a date, I would say yes, no prob then come the day I’d cancel coz the other guy would want to be with me too and I preferred to be with him. I would call him up once in a while to tell him I missed him just so I could keep him interested in me and leave him hoping for something more. I didn’t want him, but I also didn’t want to completely lose him just in case I was making a mistake with the other guy and I needed backup. I was very young and foolish!!!!
I think your girlfriend might be the same? Not that there’s another guy or anything, but that she doesn’t love you anymore, but is scared to let you go in case she’s making a mistake and might need you? She wants to do all the things single girls do, but she’s supposed to be seeing you and so she can’t have that. Evidently she’s chosen what she wants, but she’s still hanging on to you, which is very unfair coz she’s hurting you. I believe in closure and I know for certain that when that is not done, the hoping and waiting can hurt you more than the end of the relationship.
My advice may not be the best, but like I said I’ve done it to someone and it was not coz I needed space. It was coz I wanted the best of two worlds, but we all know we can’t have that. I refused to let go coz I was selfish and I wanted some form of backup. I hurt him like she’s hurting you. My advice? let her go. Tell her she’s hurting you and you shouldn’t stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. It is so much better for you to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t seem to have time for you. Be strong okay? She’s an amazing person, I know, most people are so you will find someone who will be totally in love with you and not give you excuses when you want to be with her.
Plenty Hugs!!!
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