Am I done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Am I done?
55
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:20am

This is kind of an update and question. I posted before about my gfriend being distant and not being intimate for several weeks. Well the past couple of weeks she didn't even seem to want to spend time with just me in the way she did before. Her e-mails have gone down to maybe 1 short one or none if I don't write her. She still phones every night but very very late and she used to do phone earlier.

The context is that we used to e-mail 4 or 5 times a day and talk a lot of the phone, have great sex, she would make sure she spent an evening with just me and she would seem excited to see me. The change came when I had to stay with her for about a month. Then she became more distant. We had only been dating for about two months then. Now it is 3-4 months. The other night it was obvious I was upset by the whole thing so we talked about it. She told me that since she doesn't have any time alone, she feels we rushed things and that as a result her romantic feelings have gone away.

So now I have decided to give her space because I really want to work things out. She is amazing and it would be very sad if things didn't turn around. So I am not e-mailing her although I would respond to hers if she e-mailed me. I also will not phone because she likes her evenings to do her thing and I imagine will phone when she wants to talk. I also suggested that we only get together for dates in the next bit and not hang out for days on end or with groups of other people. I would like our relationship to change before hanging around with other people.

I guess only time will tell if she is finished with me or if this can be turned around. I am praparing myself pyschologically for this. When I left after the "month stay" she said she was feeling really sad like it was a breakup even though she feels this will maybe be better in the long term for us staying together. Maybe she just needs some time to figure things out. But then again I have never heard of somone asking for alone time or space and then coming back to the passionate state they were before so I am kind of worried.

In people's experiences is there hope or is this pretty well ruined because we rushed it or because she just lost interest? Am just clinging on to hope where there is none.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 5:55pm

I thought I would send an update.

We haven't really seen each other for two weeks almost now and we have been talking on the phone but she is always pretty distant. I asked her on date this weekend when we were talking last weekend and she seemed agreeable and said we'll work out the details during the week. Well no details.

So because she didn't phone me lately or want to get together and we live in different cities I send her an e-mail asking her today if we can talk about things, that I am confused about us and would like to continue seeing her if she is interested but need clarifiction. I specifically asked if we could talk tonight about it. We haven't talked about our troubled relationship for about 2 weeks and I have been giving her space.

She replies that a conversation would be good but she cannot tonight because she is going out drinking with her friend tonight. This really upset me. She cannot even take the time tonight to discuss this important issue. I seem to already hve my answer about where I stand. But I reply saying I understand she has plans, but this is really bothering me and it would make me feel a lot better to talk about it. I said I really would like to have our conversation be around whether she wants to only date me and whether she wants romantic relationship.

She then responded saying she cannot deal with that now (t work - ok understandable) but she will answer me soon. I find this so disrespectful for her to hold me off like this for several weeks and then when I finally say I need to talk to not even say that she will give me a call later. When we talk I will have to tell her what I need from a relationship and then see what she says. I think I already have the answer.

Edited 4/7/2005 5:56 pm ET ET by catalone2005




Edited 4/7/2005 5:57 pm ET ET by catalone2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:02pm

Hugs. All you can do is wait and see what she says. And like you, I would make those excuses, give the person the benefit of the doubt, right?


Wait it out....at least thru this weekend/night. You deserve an answer one way or another. My heart goes out to you. I know how much this can hurt, as dbf pulled the same "ambivalent/non-chalant" bit with me for almost a year. I finally put my foot down and ended things. Strange how he realized what he was losing only AFTER that, and agreed to stop being ambivalent, and put me as priority #1.


Good luck. and vent all you need while you wait.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:13pm

Thanks so much. It is entirely frustrating that I hve given her so much space when she says that she needed it, pulled back so much, then when I say I need to have a conversation she says "we'll talk soon". Sometimes she needs time to think things through so I am hoping this will force her to make some difficult choices. I plan on telling her that:
1. I need to have substantive conversations on the phone at least a couple of times a week even though we may not talk every day. This means she comes to the conversation ready to talk about things and not act like I am burdening her.
2. I need to start feeling affection from her again.
3. I need to see her regularly - like once a week.
4. I need good communication so that if something changes she talks to me about it and we don't just drift through.

Without this I cannot continue.

Part of me is so upset that she blew me off today and gave me an ambiguous "we'll talk soon and I'll give you an answer" on such important questions. Perhaps this is good because it makes me think she is prioritizing everyone else above me and will make it easier to draw my limits to continue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:34pm

I think your demands are fair, healthy, and wonderful. If she's not into you and cant' give you that, then yes, move on. Also, don't allow yourself to make any excuses for reasons why she can't give any of that to you. I don't care if she needs space, what you're asking for is decent, unless you two are NOT more than friends, which you are, so it's good.


Actually, one thing I would DEMAND she do is make a "date" with you to talk about it. I don't care if it's tomorrow or Sunday night at 6pm, you need to put a deadline on it, otherwise, I think she'll just push for more. I say, give her until tomorrow afternoon, tell her you'd like to set a date to TALK about what you emailed her about. If she says she's not sure when, jsut say, how's saturday, nope? Sunday? No? Monday, tuesday, wednesday. You get the point. do NOT allow her off the hook with "later". I learned that one the hard way. Whenever a man tells me later, it means, "I don't want to think about it, so I'll put you off as long as possible and have no answers when you finally do put your foot down".


Hugs. Just my two cents. Hey, you're giveing her the benefit of the doubt, the least she can do is plan a day, I don't care if it's next weekend, to talk about it. OR if she can't do that, i'd seriously think of just walking away at that point, cuz then you KNOW you're not a priority.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:43pm

Quick question.

If she does actually phone me tonight which I originally asked for should I then use that to set up a time when we can have a "date" to talk about this or should I just talk about it then.
Part of me wants immediate answers and to just resolve this but another part thinks getting together would be better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:57pm

As much as i know it'll kill you NOT to talk to her NOW, remember, she said she's going out with her friends to a bar/club. Which means, if she calls now, she'll be short on time, and you dn't want to get cut off mid way for her ot leave, or if she calls you after, she could be slightly drunk.


Sooo....if she calls you tonight, set up a date to TALK face-to-face and make sure you have adequate time to discuss things, assuming she wants to work on it and work it out. I'd say, 2-4 hours. I know, seems a lot, but time will fly.


That's my two cents. I'm impatient as hell and would go bonkers, but dbf is a thinker and needs time, so I've learned patience. Although you've BEEN patient, another day/week won't kill you. Okay, maybe it could, but you're strong, you'll make it.


ETA: keep me posted.....yes, i'm actually pulling for you in hopes she'll change, but yet, i want to make sure you're okay, if she chooses not to go that route.





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 9:09pm

Yes I am impatient - very, very impatient - and she sometimes needs several days to sort out things. I agree with you though. While I hate sending things like that on e-mail that was in part why I did it. So she could have a bit of time to know what I wanted to talk about it and think about it before we talked. I would rather just wait for her now. I think she will very likely contact me tomorrow or at the latest Saturday. Then we can maybe set up an in-person time if she is interested. If she isn't interested in addressing this in person I'll do it on the phone I guess. It was suggested to me by a friend that I not present a list of demands but rather present it in a very positive light. Like "Tlking to you brightens my day. I really like our conversations, I liked how they were and would always leave the phone so happy. I would like to have conversations like that more often or at least a couple of times a week".

Thanks for rooting for me and helping me through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: catalone2005
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 12:25pm

Not to sound mean or negative, but either your gf is either not getting it or is ignoring you. and well, being positive and nice about asking for more time, is NOT and I repeat NOT going to do much.

You've already told her how much you miss her, how you want to see her, talk to her, etc, etc, etc, and she sees it as being needy and clingy and wants more space. I honestly feel, if you say how much you enjoy it, if she's in the selfish state I think she's in (by all means I could be wrong), she'll just think, "oh, that's nice" and NOT do a think about it.

I'm sorry, you've BEEN nice, you've BEEN trying to be positive. What has it gotten you but a gf who keeps pulling away more and more? Hugs. I think it's time to NICELY say, if she truly does want to work this out, that SHE needs to do more than she's been doing. And you will continue to back off a bit. Balance.

Trust me, no matter when my dbf says to me that he loves hearing my voice before he goes to bed, doesn't make me feel OBLIGATED or WANTING to call him every night at the same time to say "g'nite". I'll tell him to call ME. Point is. If someone tells me the enjoy doing somethign with me, I'll take it as a compliment, NOT as a suggestion to do somethign more often.

Right now, I have no idea what is going on in her brain, but I'll be honest, it's not a time to beat around the bush with niceness, it's time to put the cards on the table.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: catalone2005
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 1:06pm

I've read all of the posts...but haven't really paid much attention to anything since the 'I can't talk (about an important issue) tonight because I'm going out drinking' comment.


I'm sorry...and I know it hurts...and I know you want to try to be patient and have her come around ~ but bluntly said, that statement said it all really.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 1:11pm

Should I just send her an e-mail or leave her a phone message letting her know that as far as I am concerned there is no need for a lengthy conversation tomorrow - her actions have said it all, she is being disrespectful to me and that unless she is willing to work on things and start prioritizing me that there is no need to continue. Then I just wouldn't talk to her for a while.

Edited 4/8/2005 1:12 pm ET ET by catalone2005




Edited 4/8/2005 1:12 pm ET ET by catalone2005