Am I done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Am I done?
55
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:20am

This is kind of an update and question. I posted before about my gfriend being distant and not being intimate for several weeks. Well the past couple of weeks she didn't even seem to want to spend time with just me in the way she did before. Her e-mails have gone down to maybe 1 short one or none if I don't write her. She still phones every night but very very late and she used to do phone earlier.

The context is that we used to e-mail 4 or 5 times a day and talk a lot of the phone, have great sex, she would make sure she spent an evening with just me and she would seem excited to see me. The change came when I had to stay with her for about a month. Then she became more distant. We had only been dating for about two months then. Now it is 3-4 months. The other night it was obvious I was upset by the whole thing so we talked about it. She told me that since she doesn't have any time alone, she feels we rushed things and that as a result her romantic feelings have gone away.

So now I have decided to give her space because I really want to work things out. She is amazing and it would be very sad if things didn't turn around. So I am not e-mailing her although I would respond to hers if she e-mailed me. I also will not phone because she likes her evenings to do her thing and I imagine will phone when she wants to talk. I also suggested that we only get together for dates in the next bit and not hang out for days on end or with groups of other people. I would like our relationship to change before hanging around with other people.

I guess only time will tell if she is finished with me or if this can be turned around. I am praparing myself pyschologically for this. When I left after the "month stay" she said she was feeling really sad like it was a breakup even though she feels this will maybe be better in the long term for us staying together. Maybe she just needs some time to figure things out. But then again I have never heard of somone asking for alone time or space and then coming back to the passionate state they were before so I am kind of worried.

In people's experiences is there hope or is this pretty well ruined because we rushed it or because she just lost interest? Am just clinging on to hope where there is none.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: catalone2005
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 1:41pm

Well, if you feel ok with the amount of closure that an email or a phone message would give you ~ then I would say go for it.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 3:18pm

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, advice, support and different viewpoints on this.

After I told her that I was hurt and frustrated that she made plans this weekend she replied saying she never meant to hurt me. I said well we did talk last weekend about getting together this weekend. I then said people who are dating don't marginalize the person they care about and disregard their need to get together or talk. I then said her actions have provided me with the answers I need and unless she is willing to include me in her life again and not shut me out there is no need for any conversation.

This feels so strange doing this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 3:43pm

I think that was good. (what you said to her)I feel so bad for you that you have to go through this. You sound like such a great man, if you two are not meant to be together then just remember the right girl IS out there for you. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best of luck

~michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 4:03pm

Now I have drawn this line and said that her actions are saying to me she is uninterested and as a result we having nothing more to talk about. I did leave it open saying if she is willing to include me in her life again and not shut me out then we can talk. I know that she is going to be very upset by this turn of events.

So I am wondering what happens if she phones me and wants to talk. I guess I should nswer but only say that I am willing to have a conversation if she is willing to address what I have said. Or should I just not tlk to her for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: catalone2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:20am

hugs. i think you did the right thing FOR YOUR HEART. You can only give so much w/o someone just taking taking taking.

If she does call again and wishes to talk, I would tell her you're only willing to talk right now, IF she's willing to address the items you have mentioned, AND if she's willing to TRULY try it. If she's not, or gives you some excuse, or tries to blow it off or basically, if she's not to the point about it, I'd tell her your bit about her actions still showing you the answer.

Because, any excuse given, means she's not willing, but still wants to milk you for all the heart you have. And you have given a lot of it to her and that r'ship.

You seem like a wonderful man, someone who's willing to work on yourself AND the r'ship to make it better for both of you. I hope she can come around, but if not, you're much better off with someone who is willing to go the distance WITH you.

BTW, if this doesn't work, don't stop working on yourself, and your issues of NEEDING to be with a person 24/7. Next time, slow it down. Granted, don't deal with this right away, but when you're ready again, realize, what you learned here, is valuable and worth working on for later.

Big hugs. Be strong.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: catalone2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 2:37pm

The Final Conversation

Well she phoned today. The end result is that she no longer feels romantic feelings and as a result it is less painful to end it now rather than just continuing on hoping it will turn around. She kept hoping it would turn around but it hasn't. She hoped the distance and time alone would help but it didn't.

I told her it is now too difficult to talk to her with my strong feelings for her and that as a result we shouldn't talk anymore.

Well another broken heart. I am so sad.

It is good though. I learned that even when I deeply care about someone I can walk away from it if it isn't working the way I need it to.




Edited 4/9/2005 2:52 pm ET ET by catalone2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: catalone2005
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 12:15pm

I'm so sorry it had to end like that, however, you're right, it's better to know the truth, than to keep hoping, at least this way, you got some closure, and it'll be easier for you to move on. And lastly, the lesson learned, about being able to leave, even if it hurts like hell, is a good lesson....I've been there it does hurt, does kill you, but also, you know that you'll survive and move on when you're ready.

Hugs. Feel free to vent if you need to. You've been really strong throughout this, that shows a lot.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: catalone2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 12:18am
I'm really sorry to hear that you had to go through this. Breakups are really difficult. But you will get back on your feet and you will meet the right one for you in the future. Hang in there and stay strong and as Cher said keep continuing to work on yourself so you can meet someone just as good as you are and be ready for her when she comes around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: catalone2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 8:12pm
Just wanted to check up on you catalone since the break up. Wanted to make sure everything is ok since you haven't posted for awhile.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: catalone2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 4:38pm
I'm sorry that it has ended, catalone ~ but ending that way is so much better than allowing it to drag on.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?