Am I done?
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| Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:20am |
This is kind of an update and question. I posted before about my gfriend being distant and not being intimate for several weeks. Well the past couple of weeks she didn't even seem to want to spend time with just me in the way she did before. Her e-mails have gone down to maybe 1 short one or none if I don't write her. She still phones every night but very very late and she used to do phone earlier.
The context is that we used to e-mail 4 or 5 times a day and talk a lot of the phone, have great sex, she would make sure she spent an evening with just me and she would seem excited to see me. The change came when I had to stay with her for about a month. Then she became more distant. We had only been dating for about two months then. Now it is 3-4 months. The other night it was obvious I was upset by the whole thing so we talked about it. She told me that since she doesn't have any time alone, she feels we rushed things and that as a result her romantic feelings have gone away.
So now I have decided to give her space because I really want to work things out. She is amazing and it would be very sad if things didn't turn around. So I am not e-mailing her although I would respond to hers if she e-mailed me. I also will not phone because she likes her evenings to do her thing and I imagine will phone when she wants to talk. I also suggested that we only get together for dates in the next bit and not hang out for days on end or with groups of other people. I would like our relationship to change before hanging around with other people.
I guess only time will tell if she is finished with me or if this can be turned around. I am praparing myself pyschologically for this. When I left after the "month stay" she said she was feeling really sad like it was a breakup even though she feels this will maybe be better in the long term for us staying together. Maybe she just needs some time to figure things out. But then again I have never heard of somone asking for alone time or space and then coming back to the passionate state they were before so I am kind of worried.
In people's experiences is there hope or is this pretty well ruined because we rushed it or because she just lost interest? Am just clinging on to hope where there is none.

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Hi all,
Thanks so much for all your support through this and for checking with me. I have been spending a lot of time away from the computer heading out and doing stuff in the evenings to keep me busy. Otherwise I would just be inside listening to music and thinking about her and wwondering why it all fell apart. The good thing is that I am very happy there is a resolution to this. I couldn't have continued on much longer with the mixed messages and the distncng. It was extremely stressful. I haven't talked to her since the day we had our conversation. I haven't phoned her nor has she phoned me. Part of me wishes she would and would want to get together but then another part wonders what it would be like if we did. Would it be different? Would I be able trust her? I don't know if I would be able to. I would always wonder if she would withdraw and even if she wanted to get together I think I would just have to sit back for a while to see how much effort she put back in. But I actually doubt and am not even counting on any of that happening. She seemed pretty certain when I talked to her last. There were so many things I wanted to do with her in the Spring when the dark days of winter left and now that spring is here I am sad that we are not doing those things together. Anyway, I have my moments of sadness but oddly they are decreasing now as I fill up my life with other things and my friends call and overall I m just happy that the anxiety is gone where I am always wondering what is happening.
I haven't logged on here in a while but I thought I'd come back and look up my old post and the responses. I really appreciate the well thought out advice that I received here and I want you to know it helped me a lot.
Yes, this relationship is done and is final. We haven't spoken since the dreaded day of breakup and I have actually gone on dates with other women since then.
Most recently I met a woman everything seemed great but her intensity matched the intensity of this past and other past relationships which failed. I decided to set some parameters around seeing her and talking to her because I didn't want to set up a dynamic which I did in the past where I would talk 4-5 times a day and see her everyday. She wanted more and I ended up not seeing her anymore. I am learning and trying to set up relationships that don't burn with an intense flame and then burn out.
That said, I am just enjoying the peace and lack of anxiety I felt when I started this post.
Thanks so much, everyone. You did help me through this.
It's so great to hear that you are doing better and hanging in there. It gives me hope to know that I will be better in the future. I just went through a recent breakup as well and trying to hang in there myself. I think I'm definately still in the grieving process because I get angry some days, sad others and then others I'm ok and positive. I just want there to be more positive days than bad days and right now I think there are a little more bad days. I have to be patient with myself because we were on rocky terms and pretty much broken up for the last couple of months and he just moved out 3 days ago, so it still seems so new to me. I've decided not to date for a little while and to try to heal and make it on my own or else I might repeat past mistakes with relationships and god knows I have repeated mistake after mistake and some of them very similar. I'm trying to keep busy too. I wish you luck and hang in there and to let you know that you are not alone, there are others out there going through the same thing and you do have our continued support
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