Am I grasping at straws?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Am I grasping at straws?
9
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 4:23pm

So I was dating a guy last summer for about 4 months. He was recently divorced, I was in process of divorce. He has 3 children, I have 4. He broke up with me 4 days after my divorce was finalized, claiming he was unstable, and I was unstable, and it just wasn't going to work out.

He apparently went back with his EX for awhile, and I too, tried to work out things with my EX. Neither really worked out.

Anyways, we started talking again the middle of Feb, with the understanding that neither of us, was in a place for a relationship, nor did we want one. Basically agreed to be FWBs.

Here we are 2 months later, we talk/text almost daily, he lives in another town, and a couple of weeks ago, he came to town to see me, unannounced, and I didn't have my phone with me, so I didn't know until the next day.

We have gotten along so incredibly well over the last couple months. When we were dating, he would not answer texts, calls, and be out of contact for a couple days, and never offer an explanation, not alone an apology....now, he answers almost immediately, and pretty much gives me a daily itinerary of his plans, or tells of what he did before.

About a month ago, I mentioned how we got along so well, and he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but didn't want a relationship. I barely talked to him over the next few days, and he told me later in the week, he was working stuff out with his EX again. I completely gave him space and didn't contact him for a week. He then text me, told me it didn't work out and he was done trying with her, and things picked up again where they left off. We have only been together on 2 occasions in the last 2 months and plan to hang out again later this week.

The last couple of weeks he has acted like he is interested in my life, and what I am doing, and as I said, almost always answers msgs or calls, or apologizes, and gives explanation why he didn't respond immediately.

I really really like this guy, and am trying to give him the space he needs. Am I reading more into his behavior than what there is? Is it possible we really are just better as friends w benefits? I will be so devastated if he starts dating someone, which he claims he has no desire to do.

Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:50pm
I don't understand why women accept FWB with some guy, then keep interpreting his actions as having deeper intent. I think he meant what he said. Sorry.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 10:11pm

"About a month ago, I mentioned how we got along so well, and he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but didn't want a relationship. I barely talked to him over the next few days, and he told me later in the week, he was working stuff out with his EX again."

He was trying with his EX one month (or less) ago - that was far too recent for you to be thinking of anything with him! You're just plan B. He can't all of a sudden be interested in a relationship with you after what he said just a month ago, and after he was just trying to work with it on with his EX. I think you've turned into a distraction for him; as soon as he wants to forget about his EX he'll go to you.

If I were you I'd discontinue FWB immediately. You obviously have more feelings for him as you said "I will be so devastated if he starts dating someone." He is pretty clear that he doesn't want a relationship. I would end it to avoid being hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 7:01pm

Well, hey, you live and learn. Went to see this guy today, we had a great time, talking about all kinds of things, and right at the very end, I guess he felt comfortable telling me he had asked a few girls out here and there along the way, but nothing has worked out yet, as far as actually taking them out. Two of the girls, I have previously met, but no little to nothing about them, other than they are about 10 years younger.

So I guess with your help, and his ability to be so candid I have my answer. Its not that he Doesn't want a relationship, its just that he Doesn't want a relationship with me.

Nice.

Thanks all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 10:18pm

The reason he finds it easy to be in contact with you and show interest in you outside of a relationship is because he's only comfortable with it when he doesn't feel obligated to do it. The obligation/responsibility to another person is a big turnoff because it makes the good stuff feel contrived and forced.

This is common in men who aren't looking for relationships but still enjoy companionship, affection, and sex.

I understand you have your answer but I thought I would try to explain, if it helps. I hope things get easier, at least you know where you stand though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 12:53pm
Like undercovercrab said, it does get easier and it's best to know where you stand. Sorry it wasn't what you wanted, though. :/


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 7:53pm

Hey, thanks for the responses. It makes sense that he doesn't want to feel obligated. Previously that was a problem in our relationship, as he never seemed to able to deliver on his word, due to outside circumstances.

I suggested at this point we just be friends, and he was pretty much, like sure, whatever works for you.

We still tend to text most everyday, and this morning, he seemed a little perplexed when I was evasive about my daily plan.

So basically as long as I am an open book with him, everything is good. However if I act flippant about what he did all weekend or as if I am way too busy to be bothered with texting about stuff, then he seems hurt.

I am really just to the point that I think I have lost my interest in being just friends, or anything else at this point.

I am too old for these games, you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 11:52pm
It surely sounds like games indeed. I'd let it go too. You probably have to make the move and end the daily contact.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 11:42am

I agree with sienna - it sounds like a clean break is best, but you'll probably have to be the one to make that happen.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2009
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 4:42pm

Yes, you are too old to be playing these games.