Am I just fooling myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Am I just fooling myself?
2
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 6:10pm

I'm in such a mess and I don't know what to do..
I'm having interest in two guys.. I was interested in one guy almost 6 months now, but he had a girlfriend and I thought he would never break up with her, even though we kept in touch. Then I met another guy who really liked me.. I thought he was ok and I couldn't say no to him because "there is another guy who has a gf". So we started dating, at first it was really good but it soon became not so good... but he kept calling and contacting me and even though I didn't enjoy spending that much time woth him, I did. I know I'm stupid.. I never think about me first.
Since then it's been up and down with this guy. Sometimes it's good and sometimes we don't have anything to talk about. I feel he's talking so much about himself and his things and doesn't really care that much about me. He laughs many things away, I don't know what I can say to him because he can just start laughing and doesn't take it serious. There hasn't really been any romance. He cooks for me and he helps me in my apartment and I guess that's how he shows he cares but I still miss that special thing. It feels like I hav never had that first crush on him.

Then this other guy with gf broke up with his gf a couple of weeks ago and is now really in my life. We talk A LOT online, we spend time together, we take walks together.. but nothing physical. I enjoy spending time with him and feel I can talk about everything with him.
But I still don't know if we are meant to be either. He flirts with me a lot online and we have had talks about us. He says he wants to try "us" and asks me about my bf. I haven't promised anything but of course he understands that things aren't very good with my bf.

These guys are each other's opposites, they both have traits I like. I feel so bad about all this. Maybe none of those two is right for me. I'm afraid I'm just fooling myself.. to believe that I like them more than I do just because I'm afraid of being alone and that I just want someone.
I know I'm too nice, I think about others more than about me.
Any advice on this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 8:16am

"Maybe none of those two is right for me. I'm afraid I'm just fooling myself.. to believe that I like them more than I do just because I'm afraid of being alone and that I just want someone."

Well, the only person who can really answer this question is you. Why do you think you might be afraid of being alone? What do you think is motivating you to keep guy A around that you don't seem to like all that much? Now that guy B is available are yoou afraid to let go of guy A until you're absolutely sure guy B is as in to you as you are into him? Are you afraid guy B is on the rebound?

It does sort of seem like you're afraid to be alone. People who are afraid to be alone often do what I like to call "monkey bar dating". You know how with monkey bars you don't let go of the last bar until you know you have a good grip on the next one so you can be sure you don't fall. Some people date that way. The wont break up with guy A until they have firm grip on guy B.

Is that what you're doing? IF it is then I'd say take a break from dating and learn to be okay with being on your own, learn to not always be looking for the next guy. Get comfortable in your own skin and learn to enjoy your own company.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:22am
You shouldn't have doubts like you're having about the people that you are with. I mean it should just feel right and if it doesnt then you should be able to move on to the next. I know that it is easier said than done but try. I know that I hate being alone. People can say what they want about it but I just feel like when you're in a realtionship its so mcuh funner and happier of times. That's just my personal opinion. I mean if you are just looking to kill time then fine just dont get your feelings invloved until you meet someone who you know is good for you this way youdont have to be alone. I mean to each his own and some people prefer to be alone between realtionships, I personally rather be with someone so the pain subsides. Keep us posted and best of luck!