Am I the only one who does this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Am I the only one who does this?
4
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 3:05pm
Hey everyone, well im just kinda confused with myself right now and im wondering if this has happened to anyone else. I recently starting seeing a guy who is just great, we get along good, have the same goals, same everything. He treats me like a princess, and I have no complaints with him at all, its me...I was in a long term relationship for 8 years, and got out of it last march, now im well over that ex and have had some flings but have not met a guy worth my time till i met the one im seeing now. We have been dating for 2 weeks now and i am finding myself acting like a retard, i think way too deep and i get pararnoid that he is gonna hurt me somehow. I question myself all day long trying to find something wrong with him, i dont know why i do this and im sick of it. Its like im trying to find something wrong with him so we fight about it and be miserable, i know it sounds so bad, and it is very bad. I want to quit but i dont know how i really care for this guy and would like to continue our relationship . I have done this with many guys and it seems at the 2 week part i start to act like this. Like im scared to commit, like i said my last serious one was with the 8 yr ex. How do i get out of this hump, is there any hope for me? thanks in advance to anyone with advice or comment
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 3:21pm

Have you considered counseling to break out of this pattern? I don't think an issue like this is something one changes without help...the reasons for the behavior are too deep, in most cases.

Through counseling, I've learned to take a "wait and see, time will tell" attitude about new relationships. I have certain things I will not tolerate, but anything short of those deal-breakers, I just observe the behavior and see what happens.

A book that might help you as a starting point is "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter...it's about commitment issues. But it will only help you identify them, it won't help you change...for that, you need to work with a counselor.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 5:10pm
Sheri has some good points. So I will just say, I have been there. before my current bf I had been on a horrible cycle of no one longer then 3 mos. Heck I bet my current guy we wouldn't make it. It was a hard going 3 mos trying to get to the point of not being so insecure. But, I knew what I needed to do and sat myself down and thought if I ever thought I had a chance at a future with someone again I better get my act together. I have to be a person that is available to get an available person. I have to be emotionally stable to have an emotionally stable relationship. I admit it did take counseling after my long term relationship to let loose of the baggage and then time. I have been away from my sons father for 5 yrs. come May. And, only now can say I am stable.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 1:30pm

I agree with the other posters that couselling would help, but if you don't have access to it, here's something that worked for me in a similar situation.

I learned to sort out the difference between what I was feeling about a situation and what I really thought of it. Fear has a nasty way of mascarading as good common sense and logic when the reality is it's just paranoia. The tricky part is not ignoring your gut instincts when you do wort it all out, beacsue a gut instinct doens't always make sense either, but it shouldn't be ignored.

It's no small task to do this, which is why counselling is so helpful.

In my situation, I was dating the man I am now married to and he did some things that I thought were a little scetchy at the time. Looking back I realize that I had nothing to worry about Iw as just ebing paranoid because I had developed such strong feelings for him and the scared the bejesus out of me. :)

I would find myself in the grips of an oh-my-God-he's-cheating on me moment and start to snoop or want to call him and demand an explanation or both. It sucked royally. Eventually, instead of caving into those impulses I learned to think them through and time and time again I found they had no basis in reality. It was just me getting things all worked over in my head becasue I was afraid of getting hurt.

Over time I began to have fewer and fewer little oh-my-God moments and I learned to trust both him and myself again. A long the way I learned a lot about myself and how tough I really am and that even when I'm doing stupid stuff, self-destructive stuff, I can face myself and my myriad issues and fix it. Self-examination certainly isn't the easy road but I've found it's a good one.

Whether you choose to go it alone or with a therapsit or a stack of self-help books it's a journey worth taking even if this particular guy winds up lost in the shuffle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 3:21pm

Hey,

I have had those feelings after coming out of a LT relationship. When i started dating again i only waited a few months, and most of them i never saw again after the first date because i was comparing. Then i met one who i did really like and i found myself trying to find reasons not to like him and reasons to argue with him. Then i realized that there was nothing wrong with him, but i myself was not ready to begin sharing my life with someone new just yet and unconsuiosly was trying to distroy any chance we had.