Am I too insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Am I too insecure?
10
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:49pm
I need honest opinions here, I am not sure if I can deal w/ this anymore than I have. I have posted other times regarding my BF so I will give the down low real quick. Together over 2 months, he has 2 kids w/ 2 different girls. Everything was super great until he used my credit card w/o my knowledge, and didn't fess up until I told him the credit card co. called me. He SAID he met a friend at a resturant and he ended up not having any $. I called his ex GF and she told me she ate w/ him and I knew what they had ordered cuz' I called the resturant myself to make sure that is where my card was used. He is still denying this. I am having the hardest trust issue here and I want to trust him SO bad! We got into an argument on Fri. night and I ended up leaving where we were and he text messaged her as soon as I left. (I know this cuz' our phones are on the same bill and I have on line access to the time and date of calls and messages) She texted him back, and later that evening after him I and I talked it out, she calls at 11:30, when I asked what she wanted he said he didn't know, and completely dropped the subject and walked away. I let him know I was not happy she had to call him that late. And he told me that he understood that I was upset, and had a right to be upset. Okay, the other thing is- as long as we have been dating he has told me he owns his home, (I was never even at this house until yesterday 5-8) He NEVER took me there (I should have known) I just recently found out that he does not own it- his mom does, why didn't he just tell me in the first place?! I asked him exactly that and he said "lay off" and I told him it was no big deal he should have just said so, again he said "lay off" I chuckled and left it alone. Does it sound like I am being to insecure, jealous, or what here? Do you think I have a right? I am not sure I can deal w/ this anymore, but I love him and don't want to let him go. I guess I am really confused huh? Thanks for reading- any adivse welcome!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: fun76
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 4:41pm
Okay lets have youstep out of the relationship for a minute. If a friend came to you witht his same concern what would you say. Not for nothing but this guy sounds like a snake. He uses your cc behind your back to take his ex out to dinner and then you question what should you do and if you're wrong? Um hello he is a cheater, the only thing worse is him straight up telling youbefore he goes out that he is going to met up with his ex. He thinks he has you so brain washed that you would probably be like okay. No NO NO. He is wrong! I don't mean to be harsh but you know this is wrong, of course you know. I know it's not easy to accept that at times people funk us over but thats' what's happening here. ufoot down and stop being his door mat! Best of luck and hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: fun76
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 4:59pm

Exhellraiser is right on.

This isn't a matter of you not trusting him becasue your insecure. Not to be mean but... this is a matter of you being so insecure and afraid of being alone or not being bale to find better you're willing to put up with this LOSER.

Allow me to point out some of his more losery traits for you:

1> He lies to you every chance he gets.
2> He has two children by two different mothers.
3> He is living off of you and his Mom.
4> He lies to you every chance he gets.
5> He doesn't even have a job
6> He doesn't seem to CARE he doens't have a job.
7> He doesn't seem to care he doesn't have a job when he has TWO children to suport.
8> He's not smart enough to figure out how to work a condom correctly.
9> He lies to you every chance he gets.
10> He's sneaking around with the ex behind your back.
11> He doesn't care about your feelings.

Now, honestly, if a friend or sister of yours was dating this guy, wouldn't you tell her to lose the LOSER. That she deserved more then someone who ahd already shirked his responsibility to TWO other women adn TWO other children. Who couldn't hold a job and can't seem to tell the truth to save his life.

Seriously, what, exactly, do you love?

I can't find a single indication of anything about this man that makes him worthy of anyone but his mother's love. Don't become another one of his victims. Look at his past, there's your future with him.

Don't be stupid. Leave him, NOW. It will only get harder if you keep putting it off and you'll only sink deeper and deeper and become more and more unhappy.

Take it from someone who has been stupid and stayed with a loser for over a year and went over $8,000 dollars in debt for him and whose self-esteem took a MAJOR hit from the experience, don't make my mistake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
In reply to: fun76
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 5:18pm
just in his defense (kind of I guess) he does have a steady job that he goes to on a day to day basis and pays his child support to both mothers. That is one thing that he does do right. I am LED to believe he is paying his child support.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: fun76
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 5:35pm

Okay....why are youdefending him? you post about him and we tell you our opinion and then you come back in his defense. You know what yo're gonna do so just title it I'm staying with him but I need to vent. If he has s teady job then he shold have steady credit cards and cheat on you on his own expense. Add this one to the list...
#100.) He has money and his own Credit cards but treat women out on mine.

Come on you know he is all wrong. We have all done it...stay with a bad guy just because we don't want to be alone but this guy is an extreme! Have pride and walk away. No one here says it will be easy but better alone than in bad company. Hugs and I dont mean to be harsh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: fun76
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 5:42pm

"I am LED to..."


I think that is the BIGGEST red flag. You are being deceived constantly.


Let me tell you a story. I met this guy, he was great. Seemed outstanding. He had a job being a 911 dispatcher, going to UCLA, and lived in a house near the beach.


Well, the truth came out awhile later. He was a dispatcher at a tow yard that handled 911 calls (as in the 911 ppl call them to go to an accident or whatevers), he went to the EXTENSION program at UCLA and had only taken ONE class. And the place he lived at, was his mom's house.


He also lied to me about his xgf, dating other women, seeing other women behind my back, etc, etc, etc. He literally videotaped him and another woman (not sex) and yet, still lied to me about it. Told me she was just a friend, and yet, when I asked why she was calling him honey and he called her darling, oh, he had an excuse. Yup, he used my CC to pay for his dates with her too. Although, I was stupid enough to let him have a card with his name on it, but it was my account. He rarely answered my pages, and when he did, HOURS later, he always had some excuse, heck, once it was that he was in jail.


Needless to say. Our ENTIRE r'ship was based on a lie.


After I dumped him and he kept coming back to me for sex, and I allowed it, he finally disappeared, mostly cuz I changed all my information. And later, I found out, the woman he had been seeing behind my back, got preggo and they got married. He married her a month after the last time he saw me. She was already 6 months preggo. And then even later, he contacted me, wanted to go out with me, blah blah blah, and yes, he was still married, even had a mistress of 4 years on the side, AND STILL WANTED ME AND LIED TO ME ABOUT BEING MARRIED!!!


Point is. NOTHING CHANGES with men like that. He's been caught, you've accepted his lies.


All I can say is this...........you are making your own bed, and you are almost lying down in it completely. If this is the life you want, for the sake of love, then enjoy it as much as you can. However, if you want a life where you don't ever have to even question anything, then leave him. The choice is yours. Live a life of deceit and lies, or live a life of love and peace (and right now, no you do not have both)?


~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: fun76
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 7:40am

IF you believe him you're being a fool. Don't feel bad, I've been a fool. Most of us have been fools. But at some point, hopefully, most of us have also stopped being fools and realized what we had to do no matter how hard it was.

Like exhellraiser said, no one is saying it's going to be easy. No one is saying we haven't been there or don't understand how you feel. It's BECAUSE we understand how you feel we're telling you what we are.

It's not to be mean or harsh it's so you can't say you weren't warned. We'd be doing you a HUGE disservice to just go, "There, there, it'll be alright. Here's some tips on how to keep him satisified in the sack, maybe know he'll stop lying to you and actually be a a man and develop a spine and some character."

Give yourself some credit, he's a loser and deep down you KNOW he's a loser or you wouldn't even be coming here to complain about him. You are too insecure, but you don't have to stay that way. This relationship is ENCOURAGING you to remain powerless and a victim and increasing your insecurity.

You CAN do something to stop all that, but you have to dig deep and find the courage to do that all on your own, just like many of us here did. We can't do that part for you.

OR... You can stay with the loser and become more and more miserable and allow him to drain away more and more of your self-esteem until you feel like your life would be nothing and you can't function without him. You can sink to his level and become a whiney pathetic loser too and just sit their in a mess of your own making and blame him for what you've become when all you had to do was walk away.

I've seen it happen to WAY too many people to not be harsh and realistic about it. I've come much closer to allowing it to happen to myself to allow you, or anyone here, to DELUDE themselves.

It's your life. It's your choice. You can throw it away on someone who isn't worth the time of day or you can invest in yourself and do the thing that seems really hard but will literally save your life.

Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: fun76
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 7:47pm
As a lurker may I????
just my two cents...I was watching dr. phil,lol....yeah I watch him,lol..all I really want to say is that...inable yourself to be a victim and you will be.
It really sucks that the people I have dated(90% losers,10% just not my type) with each lie and such it makes it tens times worse on the next person who could be that "someone"....(I can't point the finger at men since I have a gf,and well men as well as women can be dogs )
It struck me that you yourself said "you were led to believe he had a job"....you were also led to believe it was his house???I had an ex,checked the registeration in her car,was in a guys name,now she is back wanting me,still lying....yes I still have feelings there,but no no no...I think you are ok,and hope you wake up and find that guy your deserve before you get on his list of babies momma's ....cause if that happened you'd have to hear his lies for at least 18 more years.....you have seen what you need to,you have proof right there in front of you,you know he is lying,and you know he is cheating...you aren't paranoid....one small thing paranoid,this is the truth looking you in the eye and your gut is right.....I hope you find peace and a hobby....we all fall into something cause it is there....ALL of us...be smart,I think you said it was still new???and from my heart and for yourself get out before he brings something home to you(medically)please love yourself that much....and don't say he won't,these things are never planned.The best of luck with your choices,Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: fun76
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 9:12pm

What is it that you love about him?

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: fun76
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 10:18pm

<< he does have a steady job that he goes to on a day to day basis and pays his child support to both mothers. That is one thing that he does do right. >>

If the BEST you can come up with is that he can hold a job and pays his child support to two different mothers (of course, this is probably court-ordered and he pays it because if he didn't he'd get in bigger trouble) ... that is rather sad.

The opening line of your post asked for honest opinions. You've received plenty. I'll only add that if you continue to align with guys who:

1) steal (you may call it borrowing, but in my book, using someone else's credit card is stealing)
2) lie (then denies the lying)
3) cheat (seeing someone behind your SOs back is considered cheating IMO, it doesn't have to be sexual ... cheating isn't just physical)
4) and can't keep it in their pants responsibly enough to not knock up two different women

... you'll continue to obtain the same result: guys who lie, cheat, steal and are irresponsible.

The COMMON DENOMINATOR in all of our relationships is US! So, all the poor qualities he has aren't your problem unless you CHOOSE to continue aligning with this type of guy. If you don't believe you deserve better, you'll continue getting what you're getting.

Only when you BELIEVE you DESERVE better, will you achieve it. Work on your self-respect, self-esteem and self-worth, and you will attract men who want that in a woman.

If you believed this, you wouldn't be defending him. You'd be LEAVING him.

Just my honest opinion, FWIT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
In reply to: fun76
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 3:16pm
It's been 2 months and already RED flags are flying everywhere. Trust me, you need to let him go no matter what you feel for him. He sounds like a jerk, he uses women, and he still isn't over his ex. He's lying to you and you don't deserve it. Cut your losses NOW. I know you feel it in your gut, you just have to do it. Hard thing, I know. But do it.