Am I worrying over nothing... ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Am I worrying over nothing... ?
3
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 4:33pm

My apologies for the length of this posting but information and background are key to understanding what’s on my mind.

My boyfriend of 15 months and I met online. For the most part our relationship has been blissful. We are pretty much inseparable, delight in each other's company, laugh constantly and never seem to tire of finding things to talk about... we love being together. I feel he eclipses any man I have ever known in terms of his thoughtfulness and affection and how attracted I am to him. We are well matched in every way it would seem. We are the same age.(I just turned 40, he's nearly 40.) He's never been married, and I was married very briefly a few years ago, but the man in question had an affair. That was 6 years ago and I trod very carefully when it came to getting involved again and losing my heart to someone else. He and I are interested in the same things and have very similar beliefs and values. We compliment each other very well, and he makes me very happy for the most part.

I would say I am the feisty one, the go-getter. He is sweet and gentle. The combination works well as he calms me, and makes me think about things more and I fire him up and encourage him... bring out the best in him, I guess.

His friends all dig me, and his family loves me. (Mine are in Europe, where I am from originally.) I am tall slim, blonde and pretty and have had a successful
career. I think I am adventurous and fun! We have the best time. But here's the kicker... well, just one of them... he makes love to me about the same amount of times per week, (3 times) in the same conventional position, for about the same length of time, (a few minutes) pretty much in silence, then always turns me over on my front at the same point before he's ready to orgasm. He hardly makes any sound. He never kisses me or makes eye contact when we are in missionary
position, just puts his head over my shoulder. He never wants to make love anywhere but in the bedroom. When we were first together, things were more adventurous, but he soon became very methodical. And here was I thinking that men want it in every racy position imaginable and would love a woman to be as adventurous as me!

There is what I would describe as a wishy-washy side to him that has surfaced a few times over the last few months which has annoyed me. He can be such a naive little boy. He lives in the moment, which in some ways I admire but in other ways I feel puts pressure on me to be the decisive one much of the time. I think of the future in the most positive way: I have a man I want to make a life with, I would like to experience having a child and don’t see why we can’t move ahead with that if it’s right. His behavior and affection towards me, his consideration, the fact that he calls me at work just to see how my day is going… would indicate that he wants this too. But he never vocalizes it.

We have started to bring up the future and at one point recently decided that we would sell our house, rent his out and go and see the world together. And when we got back probably live together. He knows I want a family. Being 40, I suppose time is an issue, even though the biological clock thing, when I hear other women talk about it, kind of makes me cringe. He said way back when we met that he did want children "some day" and I was OK with that. I utterly adore him, am still as attracted to him as ever and he completely lights up my life.

Another bone of contention for me is that he never tells me that he loves me. I would say, however, that he shows me that he does, and maybe it should not be so important to me to hear it, but I guess that it is.

A couple of months ago, we split up for a few days, in spite of all that I have said about things being so great. I let the conversation just sort of unfold, mentioning his not talking about how he feels and where we go from here. I was very calm but the hardly spoke, so I did all the talking and due to a lack of response from him (i.e. the fact that he did not try to correct the points I was making) I talked myself into leaving him. We spent the next week apart, which was horrendous, then I wrote him a letter, quoting passages from a book we both read recently called “A Return To Love” by Marian Williamson. He responded immediately and called me. We were back with each other the next day. We don’t actually live together, but we may as well, as we spend days at a time at each other’s houses. We have photos of each other everywhere and our belongings at each other’s houses.

In spite of being together again and happy in every other way, the sex is still the same. He is completely affectionate and giving and looks deep into my eyes at every other time. It’s like he has a fear of opening himself up completely during sex, relinquishing himself to love and intimacy. Am I right? Should I be worried about that? I try to joke about it sometimes, like “Why don’t you take me in the kitchen” or I’ll try to initiate things anywhere but the bedroom, but it just doesn’t fly with him. Could he be holding out for someone better, or younger?

He told me that during our short time apart, he broke down in tears when talking to his mother on the phone about us, something he never does. I also recently found something he wrote to me during that time, where he says how much he missed me and did indeed love me “really and truly”… He also wrote that he could see us as a team in the future and he wondered why he had such a hard time saying any of that to me. I wasn’t snooping, and I don’t think he meant for me to read it.

So readers, I would appreciate some opinions. Is it a case of, if it isn’t really broken, don’t try to fix it? Am I kidding myself if I think he will want to be with me and have a child one day? Is he just sexually conventional and likes things the way he likes them? Do you think he is just biding his time for “The One” or is he perhaps just living in the moment? I can’t fathom looking for anyone else because of these issues, and because I love him, but at the same time they bug me. I guess I would like to understand if they are warning signs.

Thank you for reading this long post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 6:04pm

>>Am I kidding myself if I think he will want to be with me and have a child one day? Is he just sexually conventional and likes things the way he likes them? <<

I could be wrong, but from what I read from your post - I don't think you've ever raised these issues with him directly. Is this correct? Only he knows the answer to your questions and the only way to find the answer is to pin him down for a conversation.

You've also got to work out your own priorities - especially regarding children. If he doesn't want children, can YOU live without them and have no regrets? Is he worth giving up your dreams of a family for?

The sex thing - be blunt. Because he's not interested in your needs, I wouldn't be overly sensitive to his feelings either ;-) Ask him why he's not into other positions or the kitchen/sofa. My only warning is about pushing the eye contact thing. I can't do eye contact either. It's not about lack of love or giving myself - because I love my partner absolutely. Rather, I find extended eye contact extremely uncomfortable.

Anyway, to sum it all up, grab that bull by the horns and tackle those issues head on. Best of luck to you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 3:31am

Hey I just wanna say form the sounds of your board, I think that you have a great guy who wants to start a life with you. I must say the sex part is extremely weird and you should talk to him directly to see whats up. Also, I want to say dont be worried that he is not showing you as much affection as you may want. If he is like 99percent of guys he may feel uncomfortable showing love. We guys love our women but most of the time we feel that by being their we are showing her we love her. Talking, holding hands, saying that dreadful word "love" was invented by women. It dosent come naturally to us so you should be patient with him and let him know just how much that kind of stuff means to you. Eventually if he really wants to be with you and make you happy he will exit his comfort zone and start acting all lovie dovie.

Women are the main ones in control or relationships. Us guys are alot like computers. We have very basic needs. Women are more like programers. It is up to u to develop your husband and get what you want out of him! If u sit around and wait for him to naturally come around you will be waiting for a long time. (P.S. dont let him know you are programing him!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:40am
you should read the Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. Its a wonderful book! it gives great insite into communicating in your relationship. It has helped us greatly. Not everyone is able to express themselves- whether they are in love or not.
Good Luck to you