Is any of them right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Is any of them right?
4
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 8:02pm

I find myself in a situation I never wanted... a situation that is so awful.

I have a boyfriend since 3 months. We started dating mostly because he wanted to, I wasn't that interested at first.. We never had that connection and wasn't like madly in love. We have never done those romantic things I have done with previous boyfriends. He is not a very romantic guy and I don't know why I stayed with him. So many mornings I have woken up and felt how unhappy I am and so on..
My friends have almost only heard bad things about him, I tend to focus on the negative when it comes to him, even though he has good sides and does a lot for me.
But I have struggled... now lately I have started telling him what I don't like and that I don't like him making fun og me, that I miss the romance and so on. I tell him everything that bothers me and I guess he understands because he's much better. This relationship goes up and down. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's so bad I just wanna cry. He can say things (not really mean) but things that still hurt me. He can get annoyed for example. But it is better now since I told him all this.
For a long time I didn't feel a connection at all with this guy, I don't know if I do now, but it's definitely better. We have fun together, but we almost never talk deep, or have long discussions.. But he's kind, he really wants my best even though he sometimes comes with sarcastic comments and make fun of me and others. But that's the way he is and he doesn't mean to be mean.

Then there is this other guy who I've known for a couple of months, before I met my bf. Then he had a gf. But now he's single since 1 month. His friends tells me I had a part in why he ended it, but also.. he wasn't happy with her after 3 years.
With this guy I feel a deep connection. We have spent so much time together just talking and talking. We can really talk about EVERYTHING. He's so sweet, he's kind, romantic and funny. He would never say anything to hurt me, never be rude to me or anyone and allways treat me like a princess.
I have never done anything with this guy, but he's told me how strong his feelings are for me, and that he is ready to do a lot for me, that he's never met anyone like me before. I love spending time with him, I'm always happy when I'm with him.
But I don't know if we could have a relationship. I don't know if the physical attraction is there. I was interested in him before my bf showed up and I guess I still am.

I feel so terrible. At the moment I'M NOT READY TO BREAK UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND. But I still want to spend time with the other guy. I can't imagine not being able to see and talk to him. It's like I talk with him and that's how I handle that me and my bf don't talk that much. Those guys are so different. they are like night and day and I they both have qualities that I like. I just don't know what to do.

I have told the guy who's in love with me that I have to give my bf a chance and that he can't expect anything BUT that I could definitely see us as a couple if I break up with my bf. I told him this because he asked straight out.

My bf doesn't know anything about this guy. My friends think me and the other guy is the perfect couple, but they like my bf aswell.
I feel soo bad, both to my bf AND the other guy. And for myself.. I don't want to lose any of them... Anyone have any advice, or have been in this situation?
Thanks!

-Jenni

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 7:43am

Why can't you break up wth your boyfriend, it isn't like you love him? It sounds like you never should have even STARTED dating your bf, so why stay? You'll only break up with him eventually. Actually, I probably have a pretty good idea why. You feel guilty.

You feel guilty that you know you should have never started dating the guy and yet you didn't want to be alone so you did it anyway. He annoyed you from the beginning and you finally asked him to change so maybe you could at least tolerate him better and he actually started changing and so now you feel bad dumping him for someone you actually like.

Get over it. Dump him. You used him so you wouldn't be boyfriendless and he's served out his useful time and you're ready to move on to someone else. Just be honest with yourself, admit you made a bad choice, learn from your mistake, and move on. It's not as if your the first woman who was ever afraid to be on her own and stayed with a guy becasue a bf that you don't love is better then no bf at all. Most of us have, but at some point you realize what you've done and you ave to make it right and move on.

You have to promise yourself not to do it again and to leanr to be okay as a single girl so you don't repeat your mistake. Treating people like monkey bars just isn't fair. You remember monkey bars on the play ground. You don't let go of the last one until you have a firm grasp on the next becasue you're afraid if you make the leap you might fall. Well, life isn't monkey bars you can't be afraid to take the leap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 8:50am
You need to break up with your boyfriend. You clearly do not love him and it really doesn't sound like you care for his feelings, either. You need to make that right before you get any deeper into anything else. I can tell exactly what you're doing here... you're biding your time with one guy until the next guy looks close enough to grab. Then you'll end this one on a bad note and start the next one on a bad note, as well. I recommend you take some control, end the relationship that never should have started and think seriously about this fear of being alone. If you're with someone just for the sake of not being alone, that is fear. Take some time with yourself to sort through this so you don't continue making the same mistake over and over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 5:59pm

Thanks for your advice! Now I got something to think about.. well I just wanted to add that I was perfectly fine with being single before I met my bf. I loved my life but of course I wasn't against having a boyfriend. But I was still happy.

I think my problem is that I'm too nice and that I have a hard time rejecting a guy who really likes me. I think about others before I think about me and that's why I started dating my bf. Things have been so much up and down for us.

And I have told the other guy that he needs time to really get over his gf and I would need time on my own before starting a relationship with him.. so he knows that, and I know that I would need that time.
But I know I'm too nice and think about everyone else too much.
But at the same time.. since I told my boyfriend all that I wasn't happy about it's like we have a whole other relationship. We are not afraid to say what we think and I realized that arguing only makes everything better.

I don't know what will happen though.. I know those guys are two separate issues.. they aren't connected at all..

Well thanks again for your great afvice!
-Jenni

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:55pm

<< I think my problem is that I'm too nice and that I have a hard time rejecting a guy who really likes me. I think about others before I think about me and that's why I started dating my bf. >>

Ah, let the rationalizations begin!

Jenni, I'm going to be very blunt here. You do realize that you are cheating on your BF, right?

Sure, you haven't 'done anything' physical with him but a) you're connecting with and have developed feelings for someone other than your BF, and b) your BF doesn't know about this guy. If we're hanging out with someone of the opposite sex, bonding emotionally, and our SO doesn't know about it, that's cheating. The time you're spending with the other guy, the connection your making with him, is cheating your BF out of having those things with you.

As for the rationalization of being "too nice" ... while you may think you're doing him a favor by NOT rejecting him, you're not. Turn the tables, if your BF was emotionally connecting with another woman, spending time with her instead of you, while letting his feelings for this other girl develop ... how would you feel? Would you not feel cheated?

If you're justifying your friendship with this other guy as a way of sparing your BF's feelings, you're way off base. There's nothing NICE about staying in a relationship with someone who isn't REALLY into being with you ... but, "oh, I'm too nice to break up with him."

<< I know I'm too nice and think about everyone else too much.>>

Are you really thinking about your BF's feelings while you're crushing on and spending time with the other guy?

Here's the reality, and it's not pretty ... but, it's true: staying with your BF, while you are spending time with this other guy, considering this other guy as a prospect and how GREAT you could be together is just stringing your BF along. On the other hand, while you may think it's noble to be upfront with the other guy, by letting him know that you can't break up with your BF but that you could see being a couple with him ... well, that's not nice either ... so, that he can 'hold on' emotionally while waiting for you to make a decision.

So, make a decision. But, don't play both ends. It's not being nice. It's being selfish. All that said, why is it that you CANT break up with him?