Anyone out there feeling my pain?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Anyone out there feeling my pain?
5
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 1:29pm

This is the condensed version...

My bf and I have been together for 6 months...this is it, I love him and I know that he loves me although he is one of those who absolutly can not express his feelings. I have known since right after we met that this was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. We have had a rocky road...I have a temper and he is probably the most inconsiderate person I have ever met but besides I love him anyway. Well this past week it blew up into WW3. I mistakingly pushed him about the living together idea and then we fought I lost my temper (no surprise there) and I told him I couldn't do it anymore, that we couldn't see each other anymore. Well we sort of got over that but then he said he needed time to think and we talked briefly on Saturday but it was about 20 minutes of him saying he didnt know how to handle this and didnt know what to do and he needed time to straighten things out (without me). Well I lost my temper again and did it all over again (we cant see each other) and now even though I have apologized profusly he isn't even talkign to me...I guess he is working things out in his head but meanwhile my life is crashing down around me and all I can do is go thru the motions at work and sleep whenever I am home. I am obsessing over this and I just need some advice...I just need him to talk to me and tell me things will be ok and we will work it out but he wont even call or send an email to say hello.

Sorry this is so long...I am at my wits end...I have gone thru something similar only I was younger and only thought that it was love...this is totally new to me and I have never felt anything like this before....

Anyone out there who has been in my spot?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 1:40pm

I think I just was. And this is what I realized......

WHY are you pushing him away? Why do you feel your world is crashing down, when you just told him you never wanted to see him?

Honestly, i think you're afraid of rejection, so you're rejecting him first. Your ego got hurt, I'm assuming, because he didn't wnat to move in, or you weren't getting your way, you blew up, said things you didn't mean.

And now, he's probably thinking, "do I want to spend my life with someone who'll lose their temper, hurt me, not even care, and then later, say she's sorry and expect it all to go away? how many times in my life, do i want to go thru this?"

Now, if he's truly not that emotional, then guess what? he's not going to want to go thru it very much. my xbf got sick of it too. and even though i know I reacted out of fear. Fear of rejection, abandoment, of hurting, it doesn't matter. I still reacted and I still hurt him. and he doesn't want to hurt like that anymore.

So. In the meantime, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, or feeling guilty, I suggest you start looking into ways you can learn to control your temper. Take anger manamgement classes, or wahtevers. Because, no man, will stick around, if you keep hurting him. BTDT. And trust me, they were happy to leave, which hurts even more. Give your guy some time, let him choose his own path. Don't try to make it for him. And if he chooses to come back, intead of just accepting it and moving on, SHOW him that YOU are willing to work on your temper and outbursts which you obviously don't mean, and do it.

ETA: During this time, instead of obsessing, how about you try asking yourself WHY you are saying those hurtful things to him. WHY do you lose your temper? WHAT are you so afriad of, that instead of expressing that, you blow up? And also, I know it hurts, I do. But he's being more mature, by saying he needs time, versus saying, "it'll be alright". Because when a person does that, you're just sweeping it somewhat under the carpet. It's time for you to truly get to the root of your temper. Do that, while he's off thinking himself. It'll feel better to know you have some control, because I know you're feeling totally out of control, and that is what is freaking you out.




Edited 10/17/2005 1:44 pm ET by inkeddogmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 1:50pm

Well, inked gave you some really good advice. You need to figure out where allt hat fear and anger are coming form so oyu don't kepe making the same mistake.

The good news, most of have felt what youare feeling right now and it's perfectly normal, but at some point you'll have to pull yourself out of it even if he doesn't come back and part of that process is facing the fact he might not and that there is nothing you can do about that.

As much as the easy solution would be for him to just come back and tell you it will all be okay, you have to accept that even if he does come back and say that, it wont actually be okay until you address the issues in the relationship casuing the problem. If you don't learn from your mistakes you're doomed to repeat them.

A good first step to moving beyond this pain and hurt is learning to understand it and how you got there so that it doesn't happen again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 2:11pm
It is different when you hear these things from the unbiased third party...I mean I think my best friend has been saying some of these things to me but when it comes from a "stranger" it hits home a little more....thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 2:50pm

Good luck and dig deep. I know I have been and I'm amazed at a lot of the hurtful things I do, because of my own fears. A lot comes from when I was an adolescent. I have to now start wading thru all that junk in my head, so I can stop being so criticizing. I may have my own temper somewhat in check, but it really takes a lot to just calm down, realize what is TRULY bothering me and instead of just becoming defensive, to say what I am TRULY feeling (usually, again, it's some sort of fear).

If you'd like to talk more about this, you can email me thru my profile. good luck. It's never easy having to face yourself. But, I think you see now, it's time to do just that. BTW, it's okay to feel like your world is crashing down, but don't put the blame on your bf because he's "taking a break, thinking, and needing space" from you. Realize it was your actions that pushed him there, and take responsibility for it. You may still feel sick to your stomach about it all, however, I think you'll feel less like he's doing this on purpose, or hurting you, or punishing you in some way. And thigns wont' hurt as much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 4:40pm
I am kind of in the same situation as you. It has been 1 day for me and it is hell.
My advice: to me and you, both - leave him alone right now. I want to talk with him and call him so bad but I have to give him time to figure it out on his own. I feel that if I call, I will ruin everything. I know that sooner or later he will call. I just hope that the feelings for you will not be changed. Try not to feel anger, relax!!!!
Good Luck to you and think positive!!!!