Are men born mean or is it learned-lol
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 04-28-2006 - 7:30am |
Hello everyone,
Well you may remember my post about what to do about a certain guy(The title was "WELL!!!How do I handle this")At that point in time I was debating in my own head if I should try and talk to him more(on a friendship level) I waited almost a week and a half before my little sister, a few others, and I went to the bar where he works on a Saturday night. That was last Saturday, well he wasn't working that night but he was there, he spent the whole night at our table talking with me, and he asked me to slow dance a few times ya da ya da ya da. I asked him if he would like to go to Kareokee(still can't spell that right--LOL) on Thursday. I told him I would come pick him up(he lives with his brother and the brother drives the only car into work)he said he would get back to me on it, well Wednesday night he came to my work and told me that he would really like to go with me, I told him I would be there to get him around 9:30. So last night I went to get him and we were going to meet friends there.
We get there and the place was empty, so we decided to go play pool and wait for friends, and things were going great and everything, I was having a really great time. Then the friends started talking about heading to another place that was busier. I told him that I wanted to go but told him I would stay with him if he didn't, he wanted to go as well and told me he was going to go outside and talk to our buddies(who were leaving) and ask them the specifics like what time we were all going to meet up there and how to get there. So I stay inside and waited for him to come back in. I waited an hour before I went outside and found that he had taken off!!!! His brother was inside and I came back in to ask him if he knew where my "date" went his brother said that if he wasn't out there then he was long gone!
How can someone be soooo rude as to not at least come in and tell me that he didn't want me around anymore? No offense to any of the good men out there but to all of the inconsiderate men-----do they pull you guys aside in school at some point in time and teach you how to be jerks, or is it something you pick up over time? Again I know there are good men out there SOMEWHERE, and that statement is not directed at you, but the jerks out there really need to grow up!
This guy was good at being convincing too, he opened doors for me all night, and paid for all of my drinks and everything. He talked to me about how sooo many men out there do not give women the respect they need and a whole bunch of other BS. I have had a thing for this guy for 6 months or more and have never gotten a bad vibe from him, I just do not understand-----why do people do this? He was even completely sober! Cause it hurt my feelings something fierce after I got done being infuriated over the whole thing.
Betty
Edited 4/28/2006 7:35 am ET by mackbub

Pages
Dear Mackbub:
This is a great opportunity to begin to explore something about you! You were attracted to this guy, right? He had a kind of edgy badboy thing working? Sista, you ain't the only one stuck in that groove!
In reading your post, I see how unconsciously you pursued him--going to his workplace, and then, later, you offered to make yourself available to him, rather than go to a new place.
Are you familiar with any mars/venus concepts? They are VERY illuminating. When we pursue, men tend to flee. If we are too available to them (borderline pursuit), we lose our desirability and they ditch. Men like a JOB, sweetie. We don't have to play games, either.
All we have to do is HONOR our own sense of internal high value! We are NOT low hanging fruit flirtatiously dangling for some guy who's got nothing better to do than pick us! Nope. We are the top apples, the highest fruit. Fewer will try for us, but they will be the best, the bravest, and the most able.
On the marsvenus boards, I've come to know that my picking the attractive bad boy was a way of repeating a very self-defeating pattern. And it had a lot to do with my own low self esteem, my feeling that if I didn't have a great looking guy I was of less value, and oddly enough, my own issues that kept me fearful of really committed relationships.
Once we begin to deal with US, it's amazing how much the men we attract improve! Best wishes,
beyondmeasure
Hey there every one!
Actually there was no unconscious decision-making about it--lol that is where I had always made the mistake before,I had my eye on him for a few months. I have always gone to his place of work, and I have been going there once a week on for the past 3 years now. My friends and I go there on Wednesday for kareokee and once in a great while on a Saturday, which was the case last weekend.So as far as going to his work it was nothing out of the ordinary, we just went to have a good time originally, the fact he was there was a bonus, or so I thought at the time.
I do not have a particular type, there has been a cop, a paramedic,and a factory worker in the 3 years I have been single all of which to no avail.The hard thing is that I have a really hard time getting out there and meeting men, I only see officers and paramedics because I work third shift.People pick on me all of the time that"if it doesn't have a uniform and/or gun that I won't look at him"---LOL that's what my friends tell me all of the time anyway*wink* But since I work at a gas station it is a uniform or a drunk, cause around here all of the "normal people" persae go to bed by midnight.
And quite honestly the "bad Boy" type usually doesn't interest me at all,(and he really wasn't that good looking--I would rate him a 6 out of 10) I like a man in uniform most generally if I were to specify a type. But it is a man who I feel that little chemistry thing with that catches my eye.Then I spend months trying to find out all I can about him before I make my feelings known.I have 2 children and now a days it is what is good for them as well as me, that's why I am a little over-analytical as far as picking out men, how is the irony in that,lol. I told my friend last night that this is SUPPOSE to happen to other people and not me----geez! And the more I think about it the more frustrated I get---lol. It took me 6 months or more of sitting back and observing him and asking around about him before I even got the nerve to talk to him about it.
I know the right guy is out there,and I usually have a decent self esteem, but getting blind sided does tend to knock it down for a little bit though. I know I will find him sooner or later but it is going to be a case of weeding through the bad ones----which is what I thought I was avoiding by being sooooo picky, but I guess even I get to go through it huh.
You are right about this........<> that is what has happened to me these past couple of times except for my police officer FRIEND. He was the only one who left for a different reason(got a county sheriff position in a different area and now I rarely see him) But any of the others when I persue the act interested annd we hang out and then they run, maybe it is for the best, cause they may not have lived up to my standards anyway.
I think in this whole thing the part that makes me mad is the him just leaving with no word, if he didn't want to hang out then all he had to do was say so,maybe he was just a chicken sh*t and in which case I do not need him anyway *grin* to me it was just a respect thing, he spent all night spewing on and on about how people should respect each-other more and I think that is why I was blind-sided by the whole thing, I just never saw it coming. Thanks for the input,
Betty
Hi Betty,
Thanks for filling me in on the details. It sounds like you've got it rough--kids, 3rd shift in a gas station--I'd be attracted to uniforms and guns too! Sounds safer than whatever else comes out at that time.
Well, good luck! I think the right guy is out there for you too. In the meantime, be happy exploring you! You sound awesomely strong!
beyondmeasure
I try my best to be strong---I have to be for my kids. But sometimes even the strong just want to break down and cry. I worked last night and one of my paramedics came in and asked what was wrong(I am still angry over it--LOL) I told him and the other guys who were working and they asked his name and they told me JOKINGLY that they'll remember that name so if they ever get a call on him they will just stand there and look at him and walk away like he did me--LOL. As I said it was a joke, but those guys can always make me laugh.
One of my officers came in the night after it happened and told me that his brother was a decent guy and that it just must not be hereditary. Then told me that whenever I become interested in someone to let any of them know and they'll start running background checks for me--LOL.
I told a couple of male customers about it after they asked what was wrong with him,they and my cops and medics say that he just plain wasn't good enough for my children and I. That is the good thing about 3rd shift, you get to know most of the people really well and they become friends. A couple of them even took me out and to a bon-fire the next night. Between all of them I feel much better now and not as vile about it, HOWEVER I would still like to know why someone would do that and just not say anything. But oh well I guess a statement made by one of the officers was right------that just means there is someone better out there and it is just a matter of me finding him....
Betty
Edited 5/3/2006 3:16 pm ET by mackbub
Don't beat yourself up!!! I have been stood up, not called back, and they just quit emailing...well I think if we as women do not give them this chance. Let him come to you and if he doesn't, he is not worth it. I have gotten some great advice on these boards...excellent as a matter of fact.
I am just going to begin reading...."He's Just Not That Into You"....please make sure you read it...I think Oprah was right...EVERY SINGLE WOMAN should have this book and read it, although it is Common Sense, I think somewhere along the way, we forgot about our common sense when it comes to men!!!!
I ordered it on CD and cannot wait for it!!
Good Luck!
LOL~ I have quit "beating myself up" As you can see by my replies. I too have gotten some great advice on these boards, and have been told MANY times to read that book, however I can find it no where. I live in a little podunk town though and would probably have to travel to a bookstore to get the book. So for now I keep coming here to all of you great ladies who have read the book *smile*
Betty
Is your town so small that you couldn't get it delivered from Amazon.com?
Sheri
Betty,
Good...listen go to the internet and go to EBay....I just purchased the CD because I don't have time to sit down and read...I am really excited about it..no matter what age a woman is...EVERY woman should have this book...also...I just got done reading, Why Men Love Bitches...it is excellent....not bitch in a sense...just quit being so nice....~!!
Take care and stay in touch...GOOD LUCK!
Debbie
Hey guys! I just do not have a checking,credit, or debit account is all. When Jimmy and I separated I made so little that I had it all cancelled because I was not familiar with living on only 1,200 a month and did not trust myself not to over draw. Well it was not so much as not trusting myself as it was juggling too much and overdrawing and not realizing it.
LOL as far as the quit being so nice thing, you have hit that right on the nose! EVERYONE tells me that very same thing. The night it all happened I went to see a friend and the first thing she said was "QUIT IT" when I asked her what the heck she was talking about she told me "to quit trying to rationalize it and see it for what it is" The funny thing about that was she was right cause I was already trying to make excuses for him!
But I am past that now and I have plenty of people who tell me that he was definately in the wrong and that I did not do anything wrong but go out on what I had percieved was going to be a nice night out trying to get to know him a little better and he was the one who initiated it! He thought it would be nice to go out just he and I .Oh well SH*T happens I guess. I have plenty of friends out there who are true friends and most important I have my kids to love.
But I can say this, it was the first time EVER that I had ever been out on what I thought was the perfect date. Before he left he was opening doors for me, and we had a couple of nice slow dances, and he even paid for the date and I have NEVER had that happen before. In the past I have always paid, I had never been on a real date, and if that is what a real date means then I want no part of it!!!----LOL. One of the guys(my paramedic customers) told me that they (meaning men) are not all that way. I looked at him and told him that I would just rather not find out. It was the first and only date in 3 years and I guess it is just going to stay that way. I have never even been with anyone since my ex as far as sexually, and he is the actual only one I have EVER been with and it looks like it is going to stay that way *sigh* or it is going to be a very long time. I figure it has been 3 years so what is a few more------right?
Ciao,
Betty
Wow...sorry to hear that...don't feel bad...it has been years since I have been in a 'relationship'....almost 7 yrs to be exact...I think someone once said...if you make it 7 years without sex..you can be considered a nun!!! LOL...well of course I have had some sex but I am just too picky about the guys...I thought the very same thing you did this time...he approached me...he was interested in me..but apparently NOT enough..I have never had to pay for a date...well the last few in the few years that I have had one...my kids are grown, so I think it is a little more difficult for me..you know..I remember when my kids were much younger and I had them to keep me going!!! Remember they need you more than any man does! Yes people tell me that not all men are alike, however, they sure have not met the ones I have and several other women I have chatted with! It is very difficult at any age this day and age to DATE! Guys have no idea what that is!!!
Hang in there everyone. Stay on these boards. The women are awesome and sharing stories and helping each other out will get all of through these damn a.....holes!!!! You know!
Take care and GOOD LUCK....stay strong ladies...!! Read relationship books and articles on IVillage!!!!
Pages