Are men born mean or is it learned-lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Are men born mean or is it learned-lol
19
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 7:30am

Hello everyone,
Well you may remember my post about what to do about a certain guy(The title was "WELL!!!How do I handle this")At that point in time I was debating in my own head if I should try and talk to him more(on a friendship level) I waited almost a week and a half before my little sister, a few others, and I went to the bar where he works on a Saturday night. That was last Saturday, well he wasn't working that night but he was there, he spent the whole night at our table talking with me, and he asked me to slow dance a few times ya da ya da ya da. I asked him if he would like to go to Kareokee(still can't spell that right--LOL) on Thursday. I told him I would come pick him up(he lives with his brother and the brother drives the only car into work)he said he would get back to me on it, well Wednesday night he came to my work and told me that he would really like to go with me, I told him I would be there to get him around 9:30. So last night I went to get him and we were going to meet friends there.

We get there and the place was empty, so we decided to go play pool and wait for friends, and things were going great and everything, I was having a really great time. Then the friends started talking about heading to another place that was busier. I told him that I wanted to go but told him I would stay with him if he didn't, he wanted to go as well and told me he was going to go outside and talk to our buddies(who were leaving) and ask them the specifics like what time we were all going to meet up there and how to get there. So I stay inside and waited for him to come back in. I waited an hour before I went outside and found that he had taken off!!!! His brother was inside and I came back in to ask him if he knew where my "date" went his brother said that if he wasn't out there then he was long gone!

How can someone be soooo rude as to not at least come in and tell me that he didn't want me around anymore? No offense to any of the good men out there but to all of the inconsiderate men-----do they pull you guys aside in school at some point in time and teach you how to be jerks, or is it something you pick up over time? Again I know there are good men out there SOMEWHERE, and that statement is not directed at you, but the jerks out there really need to grow up!

This guy was good at being convincing too, he opened doors for me all night, and paid for all of my drinks and everything. He talked to me about how sooo many men out there do not give women the respect they need and a whole bunch of other BS. I have had a thing for this guy for 6 months or more and have never gotten a bad vibe from him, I just do not understand-----why do people do this? He was even completely sober! Cause it hurt my feelings something fierce after I got done being infuriated over the whole thing.

Betty




Edited 4/28/2006 7:35 am ET by mackbub

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:58am

Oh my gosh, Betty. You poor woman. This is the first time you have bene on a date where the guy paid!?!?! You have GOT to take a look at the kind of men you agree to go out with. You are TOTALLY swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool there girl.

I think we need to get you into a bigger city where the pickings aren't quite so slim. Have you ever considered trying to save up for a move? or maybe taking a management course at a community college? If you work for a chain of convienence stores they might pay for the course(s) and you might be able to get a promotion and then transferred to a larger city to manage a store.

Just a thought...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 9:40am

OH MY GOSH NICK!!!!
LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO Now you are REALLY going to be flabberghasted----I have a management degree!!! Managed a fast food place for almost years!! THEN.....I decided there was more out there for me and guess who quit--lol. But I quit to get certified by the state of Michigan to sell insurance! Yup I then went to sales training for a few months. I do not know if you are familiar with Michigan or not but I sold insurance for Combined Insurance Company in the Saginaw Bay City Midland areas and they are all bigger cities. I was with Jimmy yet at this time, I guess I should have left him sooner and maybe I would have had a fighting chance at the BIG CITY men. LOLI got my license in Lansing and when I went to sales school I was in Chicago for quite a few months. The problem there was I HATE big cities, I grew up on a farm in a VERY small town about 5 minutes south of where I live now and have never lived in anything but a small town.

You ask if I have ever considered a move, I JUST moved and get this, the convienence store I work for IS nation-wide British Petroleum (more commonly known as BP)Not where I want to be at all, the only thing I have EVER wanted to do with my life was be a police officer but can not do that because of my seizures and now my next career move is into the health industry. I guess since I couldn't fulfill my lifelong dream of being an officer I just can not find myself in what I want to do. A jack of all trades is where I stand right now I guess--lol

Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 10:48am

Oh, wow. That is funny. No wonder you're attracted to men in those professions!!!!

What about becoming a PI? too dangerous with the kids? Maybe managing in a private security company? There's got to be a way to get you closer to your dream gig then BP. :)

I understand about the big city. I grew up in Greenville SC, not exactly a big city like Atlanta, where I live now. Though I'm strictly a burbs kinda girl. I'm not big on the hustle and bustle.

I'm just trying to think of ways to open up you're dating horizons, I'm sure small town dating is very limiting in some ways. So, moving to a bigger town immediately popped in my head. I'm still just stupified that this is the first date where a guy paid your way. I've never been accused of being old fashioned but I still think a guy should pay for the FIRST date, even if you offer to pay your own way. We've got to get you seeing a better quality of man somehow.

Of course, there's a lot more to life then finding a man. :) I'm not exactly pursuing my dream job at the moment either. It seems things go well in either my career or my love life not both at the same time. I'm hoping now that I've found the right guy I might be able to get both on track at the same time at some point in the future. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 4:18pm

howdy ho everyone!

My dad tells me that I should go into corrections--LOL.As I told him though, I want to be on the road patrol, nothing would satisfy the inkling more than that..........except 1 thing, the paramedic courses I had enrolled in----eeeeekkkkk you guessed it, I have to be at least 6 months seizure free to get on an ambulance too!! LOL

Well My seizures are stress related, and one of my paramedic customers(my FAVORITE) told me that I should look into nursing. Never will you ever hear me say that a man is right but this is his thinking about it----that I hate my job anyway(not so much the job as the manager) and if I am going to hate being locked in a hospital or doctor office then I might as well hate it while making more money cause the short monney problem is just about all of the stress!! He said that way I will also have a good start on the knowledge it takes to be a medic, and as I said he is right about all of that.Cause if I quit having seizures then I can start my medic courses as well.I talked to the Emergency Medical Services supervisor in this area and he said the hard part is getting my foot in the door and after that they will work around my seizures as far as me not driving and all of that.

As far as my dating horizons, I thought for the longest time that it was me and then I got a lot of great comments from my customers and I now know that it is not me, my favorite paramedic even told me that I was gorgeous, too bad all he wants is FWB and since he knows that is not what I want he stays clear of me cause he knows that I would rip his face off if he made me mad----LOL. I even tried the whole online dating thing and it got creepy after the first guy drove 2 hours to find where I work and after he did he then decided to follow me home----that is when I packed up my kids and we moved.

What REALLY makes me mad is this, there are a few great guys that have come my way but they are guys that I have been friends with for years!!! And I just can not see them as anything else. My life is just one ironic ball of POOH!! LOL I wish so much I could just be attraacted to someone that I KNOW would treat me good but a couple of these guys I have known for 12+ years!!

What I think is this, that I am just going to forget about dating, and step back,all good things come to those who wait. And Nick you know that as well as anyone else, and look you have finally gotten yourself a great guy. So maybe if I just sit back and relax something will come to me sooner or later.

The funny thing is, we all sit and complain about the male species, but why then is it that we want one so much--lol makes no sense does it *smile*

Ciao,
Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 2:17am
Sometimes big city men are not so great either. I know that San Diego isn't quite a big city per say but it's not a small town and a lot of the men here who do pay for dates, have money, are well educated and very interesting to talk to, have several interests and are well rounded are emotionally unavailable or just not ready to make a commitment or both so I guess it doesnt' really matter where you are located, it's still tough when you are in our age group to date because people get set in their ways and used to their lifestyles and it's hard for them to accomodate to another person and yes there are many people out there who will talk a good game but they are either super chicken to tell you that they just dont' feel it for you or just plain inconsiderate. I think it's great when a man can be open and let you know if he's just not feeling it because I would rather him be honest and feel the disappointment then and there which gives me closure than for him to be flaky and just ghost on you or be unclear of his intentions and give you false hope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 7:45am

"...I am just going to forget about dating, and step back, all good things come to those who wait." SOunds like a good plan to me. Focus on getting you happy without a guy, the right guy will follow. One thing I know for sure is if you don't feel whole and happy all on your own you wont with a man either.

There was a time in my life when I kept looking for happiness around every next turn... I'd be happy if I had a better job, made more money, found the right top to go with that skirt, found a good man, got nicer place to live... It wasn't until I stopped waiting to be happy and decided to be happy with me NOW that I ever truly was and when I stopped worrying so much and learned to be happy and grateful for what I already had in my life I suddenly was happy and all that other stuff started coming together too. Though I eventually had to give up on finding the right top to go with the skirt. It went to Goodwill, hopefully someone else already had the right top. :)

Hopefully, most of you know I'm kidding about the skirt thing. I'm really not THAT into clothes.

The being happy right now thing doesn't work every single day. I have bad days and bad months. When that happens eventually it just sinks back in that life is basically good, if I just take care of the BIG things the small things take care of themselves. Sometimes it takes longer to come back around then others, but I just keep reminding myself and one day I find that the funk is over and I'm happy again, I just had to dig it back up from inside me. The ability to be happy is in all of us, we just forget it sometimes and have to dig it back up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:32am

AMEN Nick!!

Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 9:49am

Dear Mackbub:

I've just read through the posts here. I think a lot of what we need is just plain high self esteem! But, we don't always get it, so to compensate, I've been developing self respect: High self respect is based on my actions, my principles, my hard work and accomplishments. I've had some very rough times, but I never take it out on other people. I've stayed happy and loving, even when I suffered.

That's what I love about me. So, while we may not be gifted innately with oodles of confidence, we can live each day (one day at a time) doing the next right thing, even thinking the next right thought. In this way, we bankroll good action and thinking. I used to be low hanging fruit for any guy who paid me the smallest bit of attention. Now, I'm high up the tree apple girl. I know only the very best and bravest will try for me. But they will be worth my wait. In the meantime, I bask in the sun.

I learned a lot of what I've come to know from the mars venus message boards. You should come out there--there's a ton of wisdom, all focused on developing ourselves for the right relationships! Hope to see you there!

beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 5:14pm

WOW!
I guess I do not get how I have gone from this(post#4-posted by beyond measure, in which this reply is for) <<<

Thanks for filling me in on the details. It sounds like you've got it rough--kids, 3rd shift in a gas station--I'd be attracted to uniforms and guns too! Sounds safer than whatever else comes out at that time.

Well, good luck! I think the right guy is out there for you too. In the meantime, be happy exploring you! You sound awesomely strong!>>>>

to having no self esteem? I have plenty of self esteem, it wasn't anything to do with my self esteem that had me mad in the first place, it was the fact that I had finally said yes to someone who I thought was a sweet and loving individual, and he dooped me right in the middle of the date.

The reason that I have not had a date in 3 years is not because of the lack of men but because of the lack of men I thought were good enough. I am not going to settle for some lame brain drunken alcoholic or someone who I percieve would not be good enough for myself or my kids. And I am sure not going to settle for less than what I am looking for thinking I will be able to get over the quirks because that is where I went wrong with my children's father.We deserve better than that, I was just trying to figure out why a man would act so kind and gentle and into everything I was into, and then turn around and
walk away without a word.

I could handle him not being as interested as he thought he would be but at least have the common decency to tell me that he was going so I didn't sit there for as long as I did,thinking that he was just outside chit chatting. That is what makes me mad.

This was in no way intended to be a poor-poor-me post, cause it was his loss not mine. It was a post intended to have someone explain to me why this man was such an idiot. I have been single for three years and did not even consider anyone else until well after the first year because I wanted to find myself and what I need first(not meaning a man). I had explored my options and all of that but in 3 years there were only a select few(3to be exact-1 officer-1-paramedic--and 1 well established factory worker) who fit the bill of what could have been a possibility for me.Then of course this idiot that I have known for a long time(over 6 months) whom I thought I knew better than I did.

It is not like I am foolishly throwing myself at every man there is out there and as stated in one of my previous posts on this thread, I have only EVER been with one man(sexually)in which I was with for almost 11 years and have 2 children by. I have to love someone before I can sleep with them. So I guess my point here is I have no idea how you can think that I have no self respect. Because if I didn't I would besleeping with every man that came along, and bringing hoome anyone who smiled at me just right. Not my style at all. If someone catches my eye just right I spend months asking around about him,and finding out everything I know about him,and then after observing him more closely, 6+ months later I MIGHT make it known that I would like to GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER. And then if something goes farther ther is not a chance in h*ll that he will even meet my kids until a year later, only because I do not want them hurt if we break-up. It is going to take a special man to wing his way into my life. So I guess if that sounds like low-self esteem then I have the lowest there is.

I was just pissed at him for being the spineless jerk that he turned out to be, and MORE pissed off at myself for falling for it.

Ciao,
Betty

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