Is this bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2010
Is this bad?
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 1:04pm

So I am engaged to this man that I have been with for 3 years now. He asked me to marry him a year after we were together and I was not done with my career or a good job yet, and I always wonder if I should have said yes. I mean I stayed at his house all the time and felt like I owed it to him. I was only 20, and just wanted out of my parents house that bad, I could not stand it there, and now I cant stand it here. After 3 years its come down to us buying everything together- house wares, car parts, house stuff, etc. I feel now that i'm realizing we might not be right for each other and that its too late. I dont want to have to owe him money for what hes bought me for my car or other things like for my hobbies. I feel like i'm getting everything in order how I want it like for a house of our own, but not sure hes the one I want it with. I feel like crap daily, and am mean to him bc he does a lot of things that bother me- obsessed cars, racing, wrestling and his family is not very nice to me, they act like I need a high paying job and they make fun of me all the time esp his brother who is a twin and married with a house. I need some help and advice on what i'm going through.

Now the bad part of all this is, i've known this other guy for like 7 years, but we never hung out, we only chatted online and went to the same high school. He comes into my place of work

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2009
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 3:01pm


I saw a lot in your post about what you are SUPPOSED to do but what do you want to do, how do you feel, while still having respect for the others involved.

It doesn't really sound to me like you are ready to commit, regardless of that other dude you mentioned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 6:46pm

Oh no! Something similar happened to me with a live-in boyfriend I had. We started living together when I was 22 and after 2 years of living together I was just not in love with him. I felt like he was my brother. I remember sitting on the couch one day saying to myself, "I can't spend my life with this guy." We ended up breaking up. It was very hard to do and I was pretty depressed for about the next year... I still get sad sometimes. But I know that we weren't right for one another. Now we're just friends.

My advice to you is not to worry about this other guy that you feel "butterflies" for, but to think about your engagement. I honestly believe that a woman becomes almost a new person between the ages of 18 and 25. I know I did! It's hard to settle down with someone at that young of an age because your desires for life can change. You need to take a look inside and figure out what you want for your life. If you really aren't in love with this man anymore than you're going to have to be strong and end things. Or at least take a break. You owe it to yourself and him. Ask yourself: Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you have mediocre feelings for and risk a divorce later in life, or cheating to fulfill the feelings you are missing? Or do you want to risk being alone for a while and risk hurting your fiance's feelings temporarily but take a chance in finding someone who you are in love with and who you WANT to spend the rest of your life loving?

I believe that you need to feel a strong feeling and an attraction to the man who you pick as your life partner. You need to do everyday stuff together too but you also need to feel happy and satisfied. If you are having stronger feelings for another man right now, and you're not even married yet, that's a sign. You'll have these feelings multiple times but if the love you have for your husband doesn't satisfy you then you are going to spend your life fantasizing about others. Not good.

Good luck to you. I broke up with my live-in boyfriend after we moved across the country and I had no family and few friends where we moved. And he moved back to the state we came from! I was alone and scared but I made it through and I'm happy I did, as you can see from my post where I'm feeling in love with a new man. You are young and will find that special person. Don't settle just because you have been with someone and feel obligated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2010
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 12:12am

Wow thanks for the replies both of you. But kitty_kat19, I am really glad you wrote that I need to really think about what i want out of life. What would I possibly want, I almost feel like i'm not getting anywhere and that I am only locked into him and his hobbies and his life. What I know is all I want is to be happy, successful in my career, be with a family I love to death, both mine and my husbands! but I cant seem to click with his, they all make fun of me and talk bad about each other, Say they hate this person, that person is a bitch, this person is homly, a slut, etc. and then kiss butt when they see each other... I just find it hard to bond with his mom, because his brothers wife takes right over and they ditch me when they are together... I dont want to live like this.. and my fiance wants to move one road over from his parents, which is understandable if u plan on seeing them a lot, but what about mine 30 minutes away.... and its so stressful, maybe things will change someday... its hard its been 3 years and i cant have a decent convo with his bro and wife.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 3:04pm

I remember being mean to my ex when I was ready to break up. It's better to end things and move on, I think. Years later I really regret those things--they were hurtful and I didn't really mean them. I know it's not easy, but being mean hurts both of you.

I hope you find someone you really connect with.

Grad Student Girlfriend--the adventure of loving and living with a PhD Student

Going through a break-up? Me too! In fact, I've got a whole blog about it.
(Ex)Grad Student Girlfriend: The Journey of Getting Over My PhD Student Ex-Boyfriend