Being insecure causes me issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Being insecure causes me issues
5
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 8:51am
This is a big dilemma, at least, I think it is.
To start with, for 3 years, I have been really good friends with a co-worker, but have often caught myself wondering about more. I found out recently that she has liked me for as long of a time if not longer, so we decided to give it a try. It started out hot and heavy from the first day, but have since decided to start over and take things down a bit, mainly because she still resides with her exboyfriend, and she doesn't feel right when she leaves me and she has to be in the same house as him.
They aren't sleeping together, they are still there for financial support, well, at least, that's the case for her. He, on the other hand, is extremely jealous of my relationship with her.
The thing is, I find myself falling in love with her like nothing I have ever felt, and she feels similar, though not quite as strong, or just confused. I want everything between her and I to go right, but I keep doing or saying things that hurt her, but without the attempt from me. For example, I was trying to tell her one day that it doesn't matter that she is not a perfect ten, I love everything about her. Another example, I tell her things all the time such as she's the best thing that I have going for me right now, she's all that matters to me right now, she's all I have right now, all that I need right now, adding "right now" without the realization of the message I am handing to her that she is good enough for the moment until I find something better. The previous statement, I realized after I said it was plain out mean sounding, but meant to tell her that even if others may not find her as attractive as I do, it doesn't make any difference, cause she is number one to me, which I have said as well.
I find that she takes alot of the things that I say personally, and I find that halfway a good thing, but as much of a bad thing, cuz she feels so much of what I say.
I also find myself verbally comparing her to prior relationships, which she doesn't like. I constantly drill her on how she feels and tell her how I feel, cuz I'm afraid of losing her. I don't want to ever lose her as a friend or lose the one thing I have going. I feel that she is my soulmate, and I don't want to face the end of us.
I also find myself thinking she is going to decieve me one way or another, which is ironic, because I truely trust her. But all of my prior relationships ended in deception by the one I was seeing, though a few could have very well been my insecurity driving them to see someone else.
But that's not even half of it.
I am still legally married to a woman I know I can never trust again. I have told her many times before, but it doesn't sink in. We have been seperated for 4 years, and I recently (before the girl I am seeing now) told her that I was thinking about us getting back together, but I needed to sleep on it. I thought about it for a week, and realized that I couldn't go back to her. I told her (which at the time was true) that I had no intentions whatsoever of getting involved in a relationship. I was better off alone. Well, she knows about my current status, and I didn't deny it. I haven't talked to her at all about how I feel, cuz I know it means nothing to her. She is going to see her as a whore.
I don't know how to make her understand that I can't be with her. We have a 6 year old son together, so we have to have a sort of connection even if just to transport him to and from each other's house.
I truely feel I am falling in love, and I want everything to go perfect between us. I always see in her eyes she has a passion inside of her for me as well, but it's hurting her so badly to have to see her ex-bf every single day and watch him sulk and drill her about me. She has no way of getting away from him unless it is to move in with me, but that's way too big of a step at this moment. We want it to go slow and not do anything drastic.
Please, help me with all of this. What do I do in this situation?
I know my phrases are taken so deeply is only because of the age difference (I'm almost 27, she's 20), plus I think, a problem with insecurity on my behalf.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 9:10am
Good grief!! You've got "failure" written all over this relationship. First, she's got a jealous, possessive *ex* boyfriend that she can't get away from b/c she can't afford to move out?? Something smells there. You're afraid she's going to cheat on you b/c all your priors have but yet you say you trust her?? You verbally compare her to your *priors*, you say things outloud that hurt her, you're still married to a woman that you thought about getting back together with but then changed your mind, etcetcetc. You need to get your act together. You have no *right* getting involved with anyone until and unless the ink is dry on the divorce papers. You need to spend time with just yourself to correct the behaviors that are ultimately going to cost you relationships, like comparing and being insensitive as far as what comes out of your mouth. SHE needs to find another roommate. You have to learn to trust again and no one woman should be responsible for getting that through to you. I'm sorry but if you truly trust her, you won't have fears that she's going to do something just b/c someone else did. You have to go on her merit. Her values. Her standards and morals. You sound as if you're wishy-washy and can't really make up your mind about things. I don't say that with any meanness, just an observance based on your post. Start brainwashing yourself....teach yourself the manners and behaviors that you want to have. Good luck. Becky
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 3:24pm

First things first...you need to finalize your divorce before you get involved with someone else, and SHE needs to break off her "arrangement" and get her own place.

So...take a break for the time being from that r'ship, and focus on finalizing your divorce. Have you filed yet, or even seen an attorney? Moving forward with the divorce is how you let your wife know that it is OVER, btw. You can work out a parenting plan as part of the divorce.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:22am

Hi Zerozeke,

I think that at the moment the odds are stacked against your relationship with this woman. You should not be creating a new relationship with someone while your life is in dissaray. If you are not going to be with your wife, then get some closure on the situation and file for a divorce. If you are insecure, take measures to feel more confident in yourself and in your relationships.

She needs to straighten her life out as well, because she is also in a tough spot. She is living with a man that she had an intimate relationship with...because of financial security...that really doesn't sound right to me. If she needs a roomate to half the rent with, then she can find someone who was NEVER romantically associated with her. Same goes for the ex-bf...except if he is continuing to treat her as his "possession," then I'm guessing he has other reason for keeping her within his grasp.

I think that you should stop going over everything that you've done wrong, and take action in making things right!

>>I was trying to tell her one day that it doesn't matter that she is not a perfect ten, I love everything about her...I tell her things all the time such as she's the best thing that I have going for me right now, she's all that matters to me right now, she's all I have right now, all that I need right now...<<
I know it might be hard to find the exact words for what you feel, but try to think before you speak. She's young and sensitive, therefore your words will have more of an affect on her. Although I think that she takes it a little too literally, it might be a good idea to reassure her that your feelings are strong, even though your words are faltering.

>>I also find myself verbally comparing her to prior relationships...I constantly drill her on how she feels and tell her how I feel, cuz I'm afraid of losing her.<<
This is something you should NEVER do to someone! Do NOT compare her to ANYONE. This will make her feel insecure and she'll wonder if everything she does is being compared to numerous amounts of women from your past. Nobody can live up to that kind of pressure. Also, if you do not want to lose her then you need to stop being so insecure as you are sabotaging your own relationship by putting so much pressure on her. Let her feel comfortable to tell you anything she pleases. Let her tell you how she feels when the moment strikes her. Let her have some space, and allow yourself the same freedoms, as a relationship will blossom on its own rather than trying to force it to be something that it is not.

>>I want everything to go perfect between us...She has no way of getting away from him unless it is to move in with me, but that's way too big of a step at this moment. We want it to go slow and not do anything drastic.<<
Relationships, however sweet, are not perfect. People are not perfect, and love is not perfect. There will be pain, there will be fights, and there will be ups, as well as downs. You should know this, at the age of 27, and having been married...I know this at 18, barely out of highschool. Don't get me wrong, love is wonderful, and relationships are what makes life more sweet (imo), but with love, comes pain. Feeling that strongly about someone brings lots of emotions; some of which are not pretty. Why can't she move in with someone else? A friend, a random roomate, a family member?? Anyone?? I think she can, but something is holding her back...say a certain jealous, controlling, possessive person in her life? Or maybe she just doesn't want to leave...? I don't know, but it's something to consider. By the by :O), you're right to go slow and not move in together yet :OD. However, don't you think that all that drilling about how she feels about you might have been a touch quick and drastic?? ;O)

Anywho, good luck to ya, just my 2 cents :O).
Yvy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 10:09am
Hello and welcome! I just want to say that I agree with the other posters. The timing for you two is SO VERY WRONG. You both are escape routes for each other - hope this makes sense. Please take care and God Bless.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 3:12pm
It sounds like there are all sorts of problems emotionally going on with you and her, and they are not good. Nobody knows what they want, you're trying to reassure her hurts her more because the things you say are hurtful. You may not mean to say them, but the fact that you do tells me that you are truly thinking them (ex. she's not a perfect ten), and that bothers you in some deeper way. What about the insecurities you are creating for her by saying these things?? If you really care about her, you should be worrying more about what's right for her. And I don't think starting anything with you, while you are still married (you've had 4 years and nothing has happened to end your marriage) and she's still living with her "ex" boyfriend is good or healthy. You both has ends you need to tie up, permanently, and heal from before you are ready to be with anyone. Let her go, she's young and impressionable. She needs to "live" her 20's, not be bogged down by cheating husbands who can't make up their minds and want everything NOW. Now is not the right time.