being patient or avoiding a decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2010
being patient or avoiding a decision
10
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 12:34pm

7 months ago I met a man on a plane. I was on a business trip and we spoke for the hour flight. He knew my first name and the business I was in and with that information alone tracked me down 3 weeks later. We live in different states and have seen one another over the last 6 months, including trips for me to meet his family in another state and spending Thanksgiving together. When we are together our times are wonderful. A month ago he let me know that he has continued to date other people and that he was not "in love with me"... but at the time he was also upset about me thinking we were in a relationship and kept saying "how are we going to grow old together if you ask me 'what the hell'". I had not heard from him and had gotten upset. From the beginning he has not been one to call often. He will call once a week or so and then about 3 weeks after we've had a visit want to plan another visit.


Here's my question. Although he is dating other people and isn't in love with me, do I continue seeing him or should I cut my losses and move on? I have fallen in love with him, but I don't want to hurt myself by hanging on to someone that has also stated that their life is "on hold".


Do I remain patient or am I avoiding a tough decision and acting like a love sick teen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 1:15pm

Hi ar and welcome to the board. You say he has continued to see other people, but have you? How do you feel about his seeing others, and what he has said about not being in love with you? Do you want to date someone more exclusively?


The DTR: When to Define the Relationship


"Dating" Defined: How to know where you stand

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 3:36pm

So he has told you that he is not in love with you and wants to date other women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2010
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 4:22pm

We never had that "exclusive" talk.... I have dated a few people since he and I started seeing one another and it actually made me realize how much I wanted to just be with him. He is a very private individual and his family/friends have all commented how amazed they are that he has introduced me to anyone, he himself has made the point to let me know that I'm the only one he's ever brought around his family. When I say this I don't mean just a simple dinner meeting the folks kind of thing... I mean, pay for a flight and 5 day trip (twice) to visit with family...... because of that and the other major things he has done, I thought we were in a relationship. Actually it was after the last visit with his family and he made the comment to me at the airport when we were saying our goodbyes that I wasn't just "a girl" that I was "the girl".... to say he sends mixed signals would be an understatement.


I guess I'm just trying to find a place to just relax about it all. Letting it go, or just letting it be. I don't want to push him, I just want to find the right place for my own emotional well being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 4:34pm
Yes, it sounds like he was leaning towards something more serious with you and now has changed his mind. It may not be anything having to do with you that caused this, just that he realized he's not ready after all, or any number of things. Unfortunately, he's the only one who knows why he's done this about face, and I think the only way to find out from him what's going on is to talk to him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2010
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 5:38pm

Thank you both.... I'm not going to confront him about this... clearly it's an issue only I have, LOL why look like a raving lunatic to a man that doesn't have feelings for me anyway... I'm not going to answer when he calls, he'll just shrug me off over time.


I'm thankful for the times I did share with him and when were together they were wonderful. I'm not trying to just be in a relationship for the sake of having someone in my life. I've enjoyed being single, I hadn't imagined falling in love with anyone, he just happened. It will be difficult to move on, but move on I will.


I had made this decision back in December and then I did answer a late night call and he told me then that he missed me and wanted to grow old with me.... I just can't play this yo-yo game with someone that can then say they aren't in love with me. I'm 49 years old, too old for games.


I knew the answer, I just needed an outside voice. Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 10:44am
Hi again. You're very welcome. I know sometimes it's very helpful to just post something to get it out there and have a sounding board for convincing yourself you're on the right track. From all that you've posted, I think you're doing the right thing, and the fact that it's so difficult really is just further proof that it's right, don't you think? (((HUGS))) and if you need further support for getting through the breakup, try our Breaking Up Is Hard to Do forum.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 12:55pm

'...Here's my question. Although he is dating other people and isn't in love with me, do I continue seeing him or should I cut my losses and move on? '


Read your own question again. Are you SERIOUSLY asking this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 6:04pm

Hi there~!
I know Im late to respond...but I'm happy you made the decision to move on...if he was honest about dating other people, he obviously did not realize how great you are and now will never know...his loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2010
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 10:03pm

Thanks MJ,


There are good days and bad, but I'm going to stick to the decision, if there really was one. He's called a few times and I've ignored the calls. I think he misses me when he's drinking..... another bad sign. I'm really too intelligent to have been this stupid.


I've reread the Sweet Potato books and they make me remember I'm not the "crazy one" in this equation.


:) Thanks, thanks, thanks xoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 03-04-2010 - 1:09pm

Don't you hate knowing you're smarter than you let yourself act? LOL We've all been there.

You need to focus on the "I'm not in love with you and I'm going to date other people" side of him. The other side that asks how you're going to grow old together, that's just there to confuse you and keep your hopes up. You're wise to let him go.