BF slept with "best friend"
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| Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:03pm |
My boyfriend (of almost one year) and I took a break a couple months ago. During that time he drove 8 hrs to go visit one of his female friends. They had sex. Soon after she came here for a weekend and they had sex. My boyfriend and I ended up getting back together and was honest about having sex with his friend when I asked him. Although I love him and don't worry about him cheating on me, I have definitely had a hard time getting over him sleeping with her. Her calling/texting him in the middle of the night hasn't helped either. But I talked to him about it and he asked her not to call him late at night. But he still defends her and considers her his best friend. He even admits to telling her about our relationship problems. She has also gotten upset with him for not talking to him as much because he's been spending so much time with me. She wrote him an email a couple days ago saying how upset she is about him getting back together with me without telling her.
I should add a little background on their relationship. They were best friends in high school and dated shortly in college (2-3 yrs ago). She cheated on him.
Are my feelings of discomfort and jealousy justified or should I have gotten past this already? It really irritates me that he is so close to someone he had sex with 2 months ago (as well as when we first began dating). I just don't understand their friendship. Why does he have so much respect for a woman who cheated on him and manipulates him? Obviously my boyfriend has been open with me lately, he hadn't told me much about their friendship before the last week or so (the email, etc). It makes things better knowing what's going on but in a way I don't like how this girl is acting as if she is in a relationship with my BF.
Edited 4/25/2006 7:12 pm ET by alibabab

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What was his reply to her email? Did he put some boundaries in place and make it clear that you are his priority?
What's most important here, IMO, is not how SHE acts but how HE acts. I think the fact that he asked her not to call so late is a good start (assuming she's respecting that and/or he's enforcing the boundary by not answering or whatever).
If he does put appropriate boundaries in place and enforces them consistently, then yes, I do think you should let it go. Presumably if he wanted to be with her, he wouldn't have gotten back together with you, right? But I do understand your discomfort!
Sheri
I agree...so he needs to set her straight!! Why didn't you discuss his response to the email with him? Seems to me that would be the logical thing to do...
Is she still calling at 3 AM after he asked her not to?
Sheri
This is simple to resolve, on paper ... harder to do in practical means ... but, all he needs to do is cut off contact with her. Period. Problem solved.
But, not for the reasons you're probably thinking ... he needs to cut off contact with her because ... since they slept together, she has "feelings" for him now ... so, she's contacting him, at all hours, acting as though she's got some sort of connection beyond their friendship. He needs to set her straight, that's all. And, if he really wants to put this to an end, he'll cut off communication with her.
The reason he should do that, IMO, is because ... since she obviously has some sort of feelings for him ... he's not doing her ANY favors by being her friend. It's probably just giving her some sort of hope, that's not really there ... but, she's perceiving it that way since he's continuing to keep in touch with her.
Period.
And, I do agree that ... if he wanted to be with her, he'd be with her. So, no ... I wouldn't be jealous about it ... you can't control what she does, how she feels, etc ... she's probably just smitten with your man, that's all. Not that that's EASY to deal with ... but, it's only a problem if he encourages her. He can't control what she does either ... but, he can control what HE does ... and not communicating with her, knowing that she's pining away for him ... would be the right thing to do. Not just for your relationship ... but, overall, for her too ... since they can't really be FRIENDS if she has these leftover feelings for him.
I didn't get whether or not she knows about you ... but, actually ... it would be BETTER in my opinion if she didn't. If she knows about you, or GOD FORBID he says "you have to stop calling me, it's upsetting my GF" ... she could take that as an invitation to cause problems or try to come between you. In which case, I sure as heck would hope that your BF would recognize that that's what she's doing. (ie, 3 am phone calls would be a sign that she probably knows about you ... and probably thinks that if you find out she called at 3 am that it would upset you). Unfortunately, there are women out there who will try to sabotage other's relationships to get what they want ... and since she cheated on him before... she might not have the highest standards of conduct, if you know what I mean.
Good luck. Just let him know how you feel about things in a calm, rational way ... let him know that you don't fault him for what she's doing ... but, that it is up to HIM to not encourage her.
Wow. Great advice. My boyfriend just had a really great conversation over the phone when I read this. It's been really great that he has been so open with me the last few days. Before he wasn't telling me what was going on and it really frustrated me. I guess it didn't help that I yelled at him instead of talking with him like a rational adult. He told me that even if he wasn't with me, he didn't believe that the relationship between him and his friend was very healthy and he doesn't want to have a close relationship with her anymore. Of course I'm happy about that. I have never asked him not to have a friendship with her, but it's good that he's decided to distance himself from her on his own. He's a really great guy.
It was hard for me to get past him sleeping with someone because it was someone he continued to have a very close relationship with, but now that there will be some distance it should be much easier for me to move past my feelings about it.
Thanks again for the advice
I'm going to take a stand that will surly be unpopular. Are your feelings justified? No. Why? Because you knew this, you know that this girl is in his life far more than you want, and yet you date him and knowingly go into this situation. You then don't have much ground to stand on to get upset by the very things you knew were there. It's not as if you got a bait and switch. You weren't duped.
Is this guy and his dependency and determaination towards a woman that ISN'T you really someone you think is a good boyfriend and future husband candidate?!
dansfoxywifife, I was ready to write a message disagreeing with you, but now I'm not so sure. This girl actually hasn't become a problem until recently. She wasn't an issue at all when we started dating a year ago. Before my bf and I decided to take a break from each other she had made maybe one or two late night calls, but it wasn't really an issue. It was when we got back together and he told they had sex that she has become a problem between us. There seemed to be more late night calls and text messages after that. I don't believe that I knowingly got into this situation. I knew he had a close female friend but that wasn't a problem with me. It's that he didn't keep the relationship platonic. I guess it was naive of me to think that their relationship wouldn't be a problem.
I agree with you when you asked if he is the type of person I want to be in a relationship with or have as a future husband. I've been wondering about that. at first I was ready to defend him because he has been great with listening and placing boundaries on their friendship. she hasn's made any late night phone calls but he turned off his cell phone before bed last night and he's unplugged his phone when I slept over his apartment once. Obviously he must be afraid she'll call.
I'm so disgusted with him for sleeping with her. I'm pissed that he seems to have led this girl on somehow. I'm angry that he would even want to be friends with someone like her. She's needy and manipulative. she doesn't seem to want him to be happy with anyone. I don't have any friends, male or female, that would be upset with me for having someone in my life. I don't know, but sometimes I feel as if him putting some distance between them is like a break up. its ridiculous. I don't think I want to be in this relationship
Sorry, I meant that the second time around when you got back together you knew. Because by then thru your relationship pre-break up you knew this woman was a part of his life, right?
I'm sorry that this relationship is turning into one you no longer wish to be in. Doesn't make it hurt any less knowing that it's best for you.
I don't want to further anger you, but the mind set that you're in, the revelations you've come to about this guy, and realizations of what you want shown in this post are right on the cusp of a self awareness break-thru. So I'm going to say this and ask this question in persuit of helping you.
He is not what you're looking for in a man. BUT, he is the guy you chose to be with. Logically you know you don't want that, yet on some minute level you do, because that is the guy you were drawn to. So, this is a very had question to come to but the brutally honest answer really could change your life. What is it about YOU that DOES want a selfish spineless guy that you don't respect?
Edited 4/28/2006 12:33 pm ET by dansfoxywife
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