BF's ex is pregnant...
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| Tue, 05-03-2005 - 12:58pm |
I will try to make this brief. I am 33 and have had my share of relationships. I have been single now for several months and just recently was reuninted with an ex. We broke up on good terms...I moved away, we were young and it was just bad timing. Now, years later (8 to be exact) we arrange to meet. We live in different states very far away. He also was in a relationship for a very long time and it ended several months ago as well. He knew he didn't want to marry this girl and they parted so they could both find happiness. So, I go out there, we fall in love all over again under much better circumstances. It was fantastic and I thought fate was finally on my side.
I was planning a move out there with a friend of mine in September regardless so there was definite potential for us and we even talked about marriage and being together and having found one another again after we both grew up and experienced life.
So.....the day after I get home I get a phone call from him that his ex called and she is 4 months pregnant. Ouch, the wind taken out of both of our sails to say the least. She is keeping it and said she just found out (4 months....just found out...???) She always wanted kids with him and he would make such a wonderful dad. He is one of the most loving, sensitive caring men I know. Well, she knows this too and I think she is hoping to get him back. He does not want to marry her, that was clear when they broke up initially.
My questions:
How do we make it work with this going on?
Can I start a "new' relationship again when he is going to be going to dr. appts. birthing classes, delivering their child etc...
Will I be resentful? Neither us have children or have ever been married. We have both been waiting for the one and to be able to experience all of life's magical firsts with each other. Now I feel that was taken away from me.
I know the type of person he is and he will be involved and I respect him for that but i just feel like it will take it away from us and our new life together. Selfish?
I know, I know...if I love him enough...but is it really that simple???
Thanks and sorry so long, needed to get this off my chest.

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Hugs to you jojolh ~ I've read through the thread and there's not a lot that I could add.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
<< They are going to the doctor sometime next week (another red flag, doctor for the first time, this far along?????) I agree thay she must have known or was just in denial. She didn't want him back up until this point and it's weird that she told him the day after I left town. Together for over 4 years and nver got pregnant but then gets pregnant after the breakup? Hmmmm.....>>
That is why I said what I did in my earlier post ... and shared my friend's story ... please don't think that she doesn't know what she's doing. I doubt, highly doubt that this is her first dr's visit ... just the first visit for them together. She's not in denial; however, you can choose to not be in denial about this either. It's only the beginning. Do you REALLY want to continue to be invested in this situation ... it's not going to get any easier, you know?
Not trying to be a damper here ... we can tell from what you've written that you're hoping for the best here ... but, HOPING doesn't make things so.
If you truly want to quiet your brain, try this exercise: Keep repeating "This is a situation that I have NO control over."
You are pre-occupying yourself with a situation that is 100% beyond your control. The only thing you can determine in the situation is whether or not you want to be in it. As you said, you have "no idea how this will pan out." This is true. You are entirely a third-party in this ... the situation isn't yours ... yet, you ARE predicating your outcome, your decision(ie, "In the next months trying to figure this out I need to know where I am going to fit in and how much she wants him involved.") based on other's decisions.
Let go. Put it and him behind you. It will be hard, but it will be OK! You'll be ok!!!!! ! ! ! !
jojolh,
You are in an incredibly difficult situation, one only you know whether you can handle or not. Like some of the other posters, I advise not making any hard and fast decisions just yet. Take a step back, take a lot of deep breaths, and just take one day at a time. This is one of those things you have no control over, what you do have control over however is yourself, and how you respond to this situation.
If you decide to continue your relationship with your boyfriend, and it develops into marriage or a long-term commitment, then you will have to handle the fact that your boyfriend's ex, and the mother of his child, will be in his life, and thus to a degree, in yours. You will have their child as part of your life, and it will be easier for that child if his/her mother and stepmother? are not fighting or at loggerheads.
Venting about the ex girlfriend, imagining that the pregnancy was planned to re-establish a relationship with your boyfriend, believing her to be unethical, etc, etc, may make you feel better at this stage. But ... your boyfriend cared enough about her to have a relationship with her, and continue that relationship after their breakup. Can she be such a horrible person?
You truly do have all my sympathies, it is not what you dreamed of or hoped for. But if you do continue in your relationship with your boyfriend, you have some control over how the relationship with his ex and their child develops. I think you need to take the high-road. Support your boyfriend, be civil to the mother of his child and try to realize that you may still have your dream, albeit somewhat different.
Ok, let's look at this again ... OP has a lot of feelings and emotions about the situation and about the guy ... but, let's look at how MUCH has really been invested in your relationship in terms of putting yourself thru this?
You're recently reunited, haven't been back together that long, and it's long-distance ... though the rekindling feels GREAT and FANTASTIC and a whirlwind of emotions and feelings ... please realize that you CAN chalk this up to a brief and wonderful romantic experience ... and you CAN let go of the ideal and hopes of what could be ... because, with this situation (if the baby IS actually his; they need to be willing to get a paternity test) ... it IS only going to get tougher.
With the time you have invested in it, and given that it's long-distance and you're not going to be around the situation to see how things are panning out ... is it REALLY worth continuing in this investment, considering the facts and challenges ahead? Sometimes, we have to see when to cut our losses, before we allow ourselves to get deeper in, know what I mean?
In regard to <>
While he may have cared about her to have a relationship with her at one time, there hasn't been mention that this pregnancy was a resulting of continuing the relationship after their break-up ... in fact, OP said that << She didn't want him back up until this point and it's weird that she told him the day after I left town. Together for over 4 years and nver got pregnant but then gets pregnant after the breakup? Hmmmm.....>>
Yes, some (unstable) women will go to great lengths to “keep a man” … doesn’t make a horrible person … it makes her insecure. OP said in original post << She always wanted kids with him and he would make such a wonderful dad. He is one of the most loving, sensitive caring men I know. Well, she knows this too and I think she is hoping to get him back. >>
So, she did what she “had to do” to keep him around, to keep him in her life. Believe me, this happens!! It’s SAD … but, it’s a reality.
My friend (whom I mentioned in an earlier post) … ended up marrying his ex after their baby was born … out of pressure from both of their families … and they ended up divorcing two years later … though he loves his son very much and is a great dad … he didn’t love his son���s mother and knew that wasn’t the type of household he wanted his son to grow up in … despite what their families wanted. Basically, the situation forced him to “grow up.” He has to live with the fact that his son was born out his son’s mother’s manipulation and fear of losing him in her life. Well, she certainly took care of that!
<< So, I go out there, we fall in love all over again under much better circumstances. It was fantastic and I thought fate was finally on my side>>
And << So.....the day after I get home I get a phone call from him that his ex called and she is 4 months pregnant.>>
It sounds like you’ve only been out there to visit him once? ? ?
And this sounds like it was very recent. Though you had a relationship over 8 yrs ago with this man, what you’ve rekindled is still very much based on infatuation and the “high” of feeling fantastic and that “fate was on your side.”
The reality is, you live several states apart … thus, in the midst of this situation, you guys aren’t going to have a lot of opportunity to get to know each other again in a non-infatuational type of way … no dating on a regular basis … no observation of each other’s lives on a regular basis … and, there will be NO WAY of knowing what his interaction with his ex and the situation with the baby is really like or what your place will be in that unless you lived there.
This would be a hard enough situation if you all lived in the same city, but … in a LDR, the only way you’ll know where you stand in this relationship with him is if you moved there … and, for what you have invested at this point (which sounds like one visit and A LOT of emotion and feeling) … is that worth uprooting your life?
Well, they are at the doctors today to get absolute verification (blood test) He insisted on going to the doctors with her even though she didn't want him to. I think she is angry and a bit confused. She wants to try to make it work and get back together and he does not want that. He has told her he would be there as much as he could and help anyway he could. I think she is just pissed off because he has moved on and I am back in the picture.
He is going to do a paternity test as well even though honestly he feels she was not with anyone else. I am sure she is a nice person as my BF dated her as long as he did. I think she is just in a situation now that probably isn't exactly the way she planned either.
I am taking the advice, breathing deep breaths and trying not to focus on it. I still have my life to live and that still involves me moving with my best GF. This was always in the cards and the fact that my BF lives there too is a plus (big city with lots of suburbs). When I get out there in the next couple of months we'll see how we both feel. Date like normal people and so how complicated things get if at all, no way to tell right now. Not making the moves for him is what I am trying to say.
Another interesting tidbit, she is pretty upset right now. She didn't want him going to the drs. with her and says if he doesn't want to be together then she doens't want him involved at all. Evden as far as moving back home (3,000 miles away). I am sure she is just saying that as a threat for now but that too is so unfair. I just don't know what she expects? For him to marry her when he is not in love with her? Come on, we all know marrying or staying together for the sake of the child does more harm then good in all aspects.
He did book a ticket today to come out and see me in a couple of weeks. He is optimistic that whatever the situation turns out to be that it's not the end of the world and if we both want it and work at it then it could work.
All I can say is that it sounds like your bf is a wonderful, honest, and honorable man. And well, I think SHE is upset, cuz as you said, things aren't working out as she planned, and now she's pg and she STILL doesn't get the guy. BTW, even if she moves away, if he does a paternity test, he can demand to have custody still. Remember, a father has rights too.
Hugs. So far, sounds bumpy, but your bf is staying strong on what he wants, which btw, is you. ;) And that will make the road less like a rollercoaster.
~pineapple_girl
Well, if you're committed to giving this relationship a go ... sounds like you're doing what you can in handling it is as it comes and not dwelling on it too much. Seriously, don't give this girl much thought. It's not worth occupying your brain.
As for << She didn't want him going to the drs. with her and says if he doesn't want to be together then she doens't want him involved at all. >>
Well, that pretty much confirms my theory that she got preg on purpose to get him back. She thought he'd coming running back to her with baby in the womb. Now, the plan is back-firing. Karma's a pain in the ass, as she's finding out. I hope the test comes back that it's NOT his. And, hopefully, the child doesn't suffer as a result of her instability. While she may be "nice" (in your words) ... lest not ignore that she is unstable. Pregnancy on purpose is an act of desperation and very low self-esteem. I mean, who would want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with THEM?
All my best to you!
Well today I am feeling like running for the hills. I knew that everyday would bring on a different set of emotions. BF and I talked yesterday after the drs. appointment. I was kind of short because my defenses were up. He said he got to see it and hear the heartbeat. He sounded really happy. They still need to do the test to determine exactly how far along she is. That is about all the info. he offered up. I know he feels weird talking to me about this becasue he thinks I don't want to know all the details because it just hurts me and will make me want to call it quits. Maybe he is right, maybe I shouldn't want to know all the details because it does hurt. He thinks I should just keep it seperate and just think about him and I and not the ex and the baby.
I guess what was weird and hard to swallow is that I know he now has the sonogram picture of the baby up on his fridge. (Yah, so to me this determines that he thinks for sure he is the dad) I made a little bit of a snide remark about that and I think he was hurt. It's like he wants me to be happy for him and he is torn on how he should be feeling. Like down deep he wants to be happy because it is such an amazing experience but on the other hand he doesn't know how to act around me. Am I just being insensitive? Should we try not to talk about it at all (that will be very hard for me to do). he also mentioned that he thinks I am overanalying it...what?????
I feel my walls going up, I don't want to get hurt but it makes my stomach turn not talking to him or giving up on it. Crap...why does it have to be such a rollercoaster? Feeling bitter and having the "whatever, I don't need you or anyone attitude" today. I don't want to take it out on him but I am finding it hard to do. To act normal and pretend there is not this underlying HUGE issue. Is that even possibel to do? Should I just talk to him all light and cheery? Or should I just avoid his calls for the time being or just keep our convs. really short and light? (To me that feels fake).
He is still coming in a few weeks so we can just hang out then but I think after that I am just going to have to put some emotional distance in there. I think I am starting to do that now. See him when he comes, have fun with him but get it in my mind that there is no future. I am so afraid of getting hurt and just not catching a break. At least when you are single, it might be lonely at times but you certainly don;t have to deal with any of this BS.
Anyway, it's Friday and not the end of the world so i am just going to try to continue to rock on and not let some man and his past mistake ruin my day (hahah, see there are the "tough walls" gone up that I mentioned earlier!)
Just as I mentioned my therapist told me in a session several years ago...'you're having normal healthy reactions to everything that is going on in your life'.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
<< I made a little bit of a snide remark about that and I think he was hurt. It's like he wants me to be happy for him and he is torn on how he should be feeling. Like down deep he wants to be happy because it is such an amazing experience but on the other hand he doesn't know how to act around me>>
As stated before (twice) ... it's only going to get tougher.
<>
No, you're not being insensitive. I think it's pretty much a human nature type of response in an unnatural situation.
<>
Ok, sure ... ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist ... sure, that's ALWAYS a great solution! (ok, I'm being sarcastic!)
While you might not need to know ALL the details ... not talking about it isn't a solution either. It's a part of his life, thus ... if you choose to be with him, it becomes part of yours. You can set boundaries on how much you want to know.
Steffy said << Just as I mentioned my therapist told me in a session several years ago...'you're having normal healthy reactions to everything that is going on in your life'. >>
Only thing is ... none of this is going on in YOUR life ... it's going on HIS life. Let's put it this way, if you made the decision to end this relationship ... none of this would be an issue in YOUR life. It's only part of your life because its been vicariously put there by him ... and it's his issue b/c it was directly put there by the other girl.
You have a different set of emotions about this everyday ... or every hour ... because you haven't decided what to do for YOURSELF ... indecision is just a decision not to decide ... and it will keep you in limbo as long as you allow yourself to base your decisions on others' lives rather than what is in your BEST INTEREST.
While no one but US can determine what is in OUR OWN best interests ... this one is just as black & white as anything can possibly be ... how can it possibly be in your best interest to start a relationship with this type of thing going on? Is a pregnant ex-gf in your best interest? Is the obligation that he has to this situation in your best interest? Is being part of this triangle in your best interest?
Last time I'll say it, but this is so not worth it, IMO. There's a low level of investment on both of your parts at this point of the relationship ... you haven't been back together that long ... and yes, I know it's a re-initiated romance after a long time apart ... and it feels warm 'n fuzzy and great ... but, it just makes me wonder if you're feeling like this is as good as it will get? That he's the BEST there is for you ... and if so, that this situation will have to be part of the package deal. Sure, he may be a GREAT guy ... and no the situation isn't ideal ... but, if that is how you feel ... I'd strongly encourage you to put him and this situation aside for awhile and focus on YOU ... and why it is that you believe this is the best thing for YOU? ? ?
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