BF's ex is pregnant...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
BF's ex is pregnant...
26
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 12:58pm

I will try to make this brief. I am 33 and have had my share of relationships. I have been single now for several months and just recently was reuninted with an ex. We broke up on good terms...I moved away, we were young and it was just bad timing. Now, years later (8 to be exact) we arrange to meet. We live in different states very far away. He also was in a relationship for a very long time and it ended several months ago as well. He knew he didn't want to marry this girl and they parted so they could both find happiness. So, I go out there, we fall in love all over again under much better circumstances. It was fantastic and I thought fate was finally on my side.

I was planning a move out there with a friend of mine in September regardless so there was definite potential for us and we even talked about marriage and being together and having found one another again after we both grew up and experienced life.

So.....the day after I get home I get a phone call from him that his ex called and she is 4 months pregnant. Ouch, the wind taken out of both of our sails to say the least. She is keeping it and said she just found out (4 months....just found out...???) She always wanted kids with him and he would make such a wonderful dad. He is one of the most loving, sensitive caring men I know. Well, she knows this too and I think she is hoping to get him back. He does not want to marry her, that was clear when they broke up initially.

My questions:

How do we make it work with this going on?

Can I start a "new' relationship again when he is going to be going to dr. appts. birthing classes, delivering their child etc...

Will I be resentful? Neither us have children or have ever been married. We have both been waiting for the one and to be able to experience all of life's magical firsts with each other. Now I feel that was taken away from me.

I know the type of person he is and he will be involved and I respect him for that but i just feel like it will take it away from us and our new life together. Selfish?

I know, I know...if I love him enough...but is it really that simple???

Thanks and sorry so long, needed to get this off my chest.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 8:52am

You don't say if you two were together when she got pregnant.

How do we make it work with this going on?

***If you are committed to him, then you just take this in stride.

Can I start a "new' relationship again when he is going to be going to dr. appts. birthing classes, delivering their child etc...

***Sure, but know that the baby comes before you at this time and so won't the ex

Will I be resentful?

***Maybe

Neither us have children or have ever been married. We have both been waiting for the one and to be able to experience all of life's magical firsts with each other. Now I feel that was taken away from me.

***Well nobody took it away from you, he had sex with someone and got her pregnant, that hasn't been taken away from you, you can still have a magical first with someone else if you choose too

I know the type of person he is and he will be involved and I respect him for that but i just feel like it will take it away from us and our new life together. Selfish?

***Not selfish, realistic. It will take away from the two of you, but there is an innocent child involved and that trumps your feelings at this point

I know, I know...if I love him enough...but is it really that simple???

***No it's not that simple, you need to really think about it before you move to where he is, are you going to be able to handle him spending time with his ex without getting jealous? Are you going to be able to handle the financial aspect of a child? etc. I wouldn't be taking any leaps to move until you work it out in your own head that you can handle this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 9:03am

I agree with everything you said.

There doesn't have to be a "bad guy" in this situation, who knows if she planned it or not, regardless of that he didn't use protection or didn't take any steps on his part to prevent a pregnancy so the sole weight of it isn't on the exes shoulders.

We don't know if she planned it, and there are plenty of reasons to not know you are pregnant, spotty periods, change in routine that causes stress, prior problems with your period due to problems such as Endometriosis, cysts, pcos etc.

We can speculate until the cows come home that she's some evil woman planning to trap him, but the truth of the matter is none of that matters, the truth of the matter is at this point an innocent child is now in the mix, so all that animosity and speculation must be pushed aside to think about the important thing which is the well being of that child and what that child is going to need by way of nurturing and that isn't going to happen if there is bad feelings, and finger pointing and negativity towards the mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 9:07am

<>

Again I wouldn't sit here and speculate, hormones at are an all time high, she may not have planned this pregnancy at all, could have found out she was pregnant and then thought since they haven't really been broken up all that long maybe they could make it work, and then got angry when he said no. She probably doesn't expect him to marry her, but she's probably even worse off then you are looking in on this situation, she's pregnant by a man she's loved and cared for, he's moved on and she's probably dealing with a lot of emotions and worry about what the future holds for her, can she be a good mom? can she do this alone? etc. That's a lot to deal with, I don't know if you've ever been pregnant but it's not all carousels and teddy bears. There is a lot of anguish that goes along with it especially when you aren't with the father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 9:10am
Well if you are going to continue to make snide comments when he seems excited then I agree that maybe you need to take a break from this relationship. He's going to be a dad and he's excited, why would you want to hurt him by making nasty comments???
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 9:11am
I agree steffy I wouldn't do it either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 2:52pm

Well, I have taken a step back. We have continued to chat on the phone and are keeping things totally light. I am here if he wants to talk about it but i am not bringing it up. We are going to see each other for a week at the end of the month. I can't wait to be with him again but at the same time a little scared of how I am going to feel after.

I have no ill regard to the mom to be, I feel for her. I am just upset with the whole timing, none of which can be helped now. I have no idea where this is all going to leas and I wake up everyday saying "one day at a time". I have a habit of getting ahead of myself and putting myself in situations that don't even exist instead of focusing on the moment.

I am still planning my move with my friend and have no idea if we will even date when I get out there. It might just be too weird but again, I can't predict that until I am out there. I have to remind myself daily (thousand times a day)to slow my brain down and stop thinking so much. So much easier said then done. My therapist said to take the back seat and see how this all unfolds. Be there as a friend but don't interfere or it might come back to bite me in the a$$. I might decided once I get out there in a few months that it is not meant to be and there are other fish in the sea...although I am thinking of staying single for as long as possible at this point.

Well, the walls are up and my reply to most when asked is that I am "fine". I have to be, take care of myself and put myself first. Talking on this board helps so thanks to all that have responded. It just helps to have the support, not be judged and to get it all out there. Some of you have better advice then my therapist...need a job??!! ;)

Pages