Blast from the Past
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| Sun, 03-26-2006 - 10:50pm |
Need some unbiased advice...
This week, I heard from an ex who was "the great heartbreak of 2005" for all intents and purposes. The bulletpoint list of specifics needed to evaluate this situation:
1) It has been about 9 months since we have spoken. His call came shockingly close to the dates last year that we met and consummated the relationship (within a week, and admittedly too fast).
2) The relationship lasted only about 2 months but was intense and the connection was great for us both. I felt that things were moving forward albeit very quickly and he put on the brakes out of nowhere.
3) Our relationship was on the heels of a big breakup for him - he was finalizing a divorce after about a year of separation - and at the time we agreed to be non-exclusive. When we broke up, one of his reasons was that I wanted more than he was able to give in that aspect. (Which was true - I had fallen hard)
4) There was a lot of good when we were dating, but there were also some big lies that he told me to get what he wanted. These came out, one from him admitting it to me (which I forgave and continued with the relationship) and one from me calling him on it (when we broke up because that was about the time I found out).
5) It was one-sided on the friends front - I met many of his, he met about one of mine. However, I felt like he kept me from his family and he met my parents once.
6) When we had the "break-up talk" (in which I made him sit down and say goodbye to me instead of wimping out - and to his credit he was agreeable and nice during the whole thing) I was clear on the following: a) I did not want to be his friend b) I did not want to be a booty call and c) the only way I wanted to hear from him again was if he changed and was ready for something more
SO! Now he has called me. In the last 9 months (and more like almost 30 years) I have not met anyone who I have connected with on all levels like he and I did. I have mulled over to the Nth degree and decided to call him back and am willing to meet to talk. I am very guarded because of how things ended up the last time. It is possible that he just wants to re-establish the physical relationship, which I am totally opposed to on its own. It is also possible that he has gotten things in order and is ready to try a relationship again.
I realize that I'm the only one who can decide if he's truly at a place where we could be together again. And I can't figure that out until I see him face to face again and we talk. He is a good man. He has so many of the qualities that I want (besides the lying and the commitment issues - see, I sound crazy...)
Is it possible that he has really changed? Am I foolish to think that if all of the pieces of what-ifs fall into place that we can start fresh like I would like to? I've never been in this position before. Has anyone gotten past a messy past?
Thanks for any insight. I feel like a dumb girl right now, not the strong woman I know I am!!!

I think you need to ask him those questions...they are all valid questions, given your history. It *is* possible that he's grown and changed (especially since he was freshly divorced when you were involved)...but he also may not have.
Of course, given that he hasn't been truthful with you in the past, it's possible he won't be truthful now. But asking him is where you need to start.
Sheri
I strongly agree with the last poster, those are questions you need to ask of him. I too am a bit concerned about wether he'll be honest, but I think you will have a better grasp on that when you look him in the eyes. Maybe you should compile of list of all your concerns and questions before you meet with him, that way you can get your thoughts in order.
"2) The relationship lasted only about 2 months but was intense and the connection was great for us both. I felt that things were moving forward albeit very quickly and he put on the brakes out of nowhere."
Im in a relationship that this happened with too. He was the one that was moving it along so fast, lasted the same about 2 months, we spent a weekend together, that was wonderful!!! On Monday he never called, and on Tuesday he ended it.
I think alot of my guys problem and yours is the issue of committment and the word relationship. It made no sense to me how we went from a weekend like we had to a breakup in 48 hours. Difference with us is we got back together about 2 months later.
Our relationship too, has been very one sided, in some areas. He has met my children when he's come by to get me to go out, but I have not met his and I feel too that I am hidden from his family and his friends. He seems more committed to the relationship now, but there are still these issues.
I may not be the best one to offer advice, but I will tell you to guard your heart. I never listend to anyone and Ive been in this for 10 months now!! Well its getting old real quick and Im not happy. Tough part is I need to find a way out of a relationship that isnt what I want it to be, and Im having a hard time letting go.
So be sure that he wants what you want in this relationship, dont settle for something just to have him or to have someone. And above all, dont put too big of a bet on the fact that in time it will change, that may not happen and your the one that will get hurt.
Im trying to show you both sides here and I do beleive a person can change and evolve. It may just have been it was the wrong time for you and him, with his divorce. Try to find out what he's done for the past 9 months, if hes dated 20 women (lol) or spent sometime working on him.
I know if I could do it all over, I would have had this time with my guy, but I would have tried harder to become less attached. That attachment is keeping me so very confused right now about what to do, Im going to make my own list of good and bads and see where it takes me. But I think I already know.
Susan