Boyfriend has feelings for Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Boyfriend has feelings for Ex
3
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:08pm

I have been dating this guy for six months. He's great and I can tell he likes me a lot. Things are pretty serious between us and we talked about marriage and kids in general.

Recently, we brought up a conversation about our ex's and he told me that he still has feelings for his ex whom they dated for a few months last year. She used him and found another guy. He was badly hurt and was depressed for half a year. This February, she used him again and they never talked ever since. He wasn't sure whether the feeling is love or hate.

I am glad that he was being honest with me but I don't like to know that he has feeling for some other woman. His reply was "I'm 35, not 16 anymore." I assume he means it's common for men at that age to have some emotional baggage. And he's not sure what he'd do if she ever comes back because he just never thought about it.

I was told early on in the relationship that the last time he saw his ex was February, which is 2 months before we started dating. After spending 6 months together and seeing how he's treating me, I could have never tell that he still has feeling for his ex!

What should I do? Should I leave him? Should I stick around? Why is he dating me if he has feelings for someone else?

Thanks in advance for any advice.




Edited 10/6/2005 11:44 pm ET ET by chicagoan2003
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:33am
I hate to say this but maybe you were his rebound girl. Perhaps the x really did hurt him bad and then you came along and helped to ease the pain and fade out her memory. I know that I do that sometimes. When I am very hurt I bury myself deep into another relationship so that it seems as though the previous one never happened. It's just a coping method. I'm not saying that it is right and I have refrained from this method because it's not fair to anyone! Is there a chance that he could be dating you until things look up again with him and his ex? Sometimes people already have make up their minds as to who they're gonna be with and just date other people in the mean time. I still do that and it is 100% wrong. I personally wouldn't want to be involved with someone who stillhad feelings after so long for their ex. There is a reason why those feelings still exist. Either he hasn't let go or they haven't let go. I would say to keep your options open until he is sure in his heart of his emotions. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 1:02pm

My 2 cents would be to continue seeing this guy but just with your eyes wide open. I certainly wouldn't end the r'ship based on this one thing if, as you say, everything else seems to be going well. Sure, you may be the rebound girl but then again, maybe not. I think it's too soon to tell.

Sometimes after we are hurt by someone that we care very much for, someone that we loved and thought loved us back, it's very hard to accept that we were "wrong". We don't want to have to accept that what we thought was there, just wasn't and it gets us stuck in a place of feeling like we *should* have feelings for this person still, otherwise we are admitting we were wrong. It's holding onto something out of shame for having been used or *wrong* in our choices. It's a very backwards way of thinking yet many of us unknowingly do it. Does that make any sense?

The best thing for us to do it remember that don't need to be ashamed, we weren't *wrong*, we were (and are!) human! We need to forgive ourselves for choosing to give our feelings to one that wasn't deserving of it and let it go.

Could he possibly be doing this type of thinking rather than really having feelings for *her*?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:54pm

Thank you everyone for your advices, please keep them coming.

I think you're right about that hurtful feeling. They were not together for too long (probably on and off for half a year) but I guess the attraction was really strong. I don't think I am his rebound girl because he did take some time to heal and we had a slow start at the beginning of our relationship. It's not like he jumped right into another relationship to fill the void.

They're not talking to each other and he doesn't really know where she is. It appears to me that he's not actively searching for her. I cannot understand how could he be not sure what he would do if she ever comes back. He's been hurt badly. He feels stupid being used. And there is still a chance that he would take her back? He said he's never thought about it.

I feel like there is a time bomb scare. It may or may not explode at some undisclosed timing. It is very stressful and I am not sure how much stress can I take?

P.S. He left town last night for a weekend wedding. This morning, I received 18 red roses from him. And I know for a fact that he ordered these roses before the conversation took place. So they are not sent out of guilt.




Edited 10/7/2005 4:07 pm ET ET by chicagoan2003