Boyfriend -or- Family (need advice asap)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Boyfriend -or- Family (need advice asap)
4
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 1:49pm

I really need advice right now I'm so lost and confused . . . .


So I live with my boyfriend he is amazing we always have each others back and he makes me happy. So heres what's going on Sunday night i left because we had a fight and it was all a misunderstanding but instead of me going back home i went to my moms upset and crying (which i shouldn't of done). We are still together we haven't broke up yet. So i went to our apartment Monday night to talk to him we decided to take a week apart and see if this is both what we want. well while i was walking out the door my mother, my friend, and her mom was standing there telling me to go up and get the cat and i had to choose between family and him! which isn't fair! so i choose my family but i think i made the wrong decision. I love this man he keeps me insane he is there when I'm down and when i just need him to look at me and tell me everything's okay. I love this man i don't know why they cant see that. I know we argue most of the times but lets face it we are fighting about money because of times being hard on everyone right now. but at the end of the night/day we always were in bed saying our nights holding one another. He's the one who was there when we lost our baby but yet my mom insist that i go to the baby showers of my cousins which i know emotionally i wasn't ready for but yet she insisted she says she loves me and that's why she is doing this, well if you love me then let me live my own life and make my own mistakes! she says though if i leave now then i am not welcomed back or around the family if i go with him. I'm stuck in a hard spot right now on what to do. I love him and the way he looks into my eyes and everything about him. I just want to be in his arms again and have him tell me everything's okay! I knew things were not going to be easy in life but this . . is beyond easy!


So we decied to take a week still and make our decisions then! but how do you when you love someone? How do you know that person is the right person for you? How do you know you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? How do you know . . . ?


I want him back with me in my life!!


What would you do in this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 2:33pm

I have a friend who's in a similar situation as yours, but there's a child involved and years of emotional abuse from her BF. There's something else going on here you are NOT mentioning to have the family act this way.

You need to decide whether or not you want to live in a dysfunctional relationship with your BF and a distance one with your family. Your too dependent on the BF right now, and you don't wanna depend on your family to take care of you. Your family is probably tired of all the fights or probably doesn't like the BF. If you are confused as you are right now, and everyone else friend and family are telling you the same thing, you REALLY need to listen to that.

Keep this is mind, your family is going to be there for you at the end of the day regardless. If your boyfriend has no plans to spend the rest of his life with you, or anyone anytime soon, then there's not point in you continuing something that isn't working. You clearly want to go back to when things were good with your BF, and you are wanting that instead of the fighting and the drama. Every relationship is gonna have up's and down's, but what makes it work is the communication between the two people and how stable they are. If one of you are arguing over the others spending, or money related and keeps on doing the same thing, then it's time to move on. It's all easier said than done. You can only be responsible for yourself at the end of the day.

Maybe it's money or the fact that you can't afford to live on your own, or don't wanna go back to your parents, or there's an abuse situation you haven't mentioned. There's gotta be some specific reason why your family doesn't like your BF to act that way.

Sounds like a very toxic relationship for the both of you. It's probably better for you at this point to move your stuff out of the house, get yourself off the lease if you are on it, and have no contact with him to move on with your life.

Bottom line, you need to be the one to make the decision and stick with it. Your family is clearly fed up with whatever else is going on that you haven't mentioned. You right now are basically saying that you love the old BF, and the times when he treats you good, you have to look at the whole picture.

The damage has already been done with the BF toward the family, so there's really no point in repairing all of that. Sounds like he's the one with the problems and not you. Do you want to continue this toxic situation OR do you want to be able to bring a new BF home and have the family actually like him, maybe a new BF that has his act a little more together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 7:11pm

Either your boyfriend is unhealthy and toxic for you, or your family is. It's one or the other. You know both of them, which is it?


Your family only knows what they see from the outside, and what YOU tell them. Either they are nuts and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 07-18-2009 - 2:56am

Every relationship is different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2009
Thu, 09-24-2009 - 5:57pm
I was in a very similar situation that are/were in. My mom, in the beginning, loved my boyfriend. She bragged about him,calling him her son-in-law and everything! One day, she just decided that she didn't like him anymore without any reason. It brought alot of stress to my life and placed alot of strain to my relationship. You want to choose your family but at the same time, you want to be happy. In the end, I chose to be with my boyfriend. The way I see it is that no matter how mad my mother would get, she would be there when I needed her. At first she was pi**ed that I chose to continue my relationship with my bf. Eventually, she came around. She apologized for her actions and now is very accepting of my bf. Sometimes you have to stand up and do what is best for you! Concerning your problems with your bf, you shouldn't be discussing your problems with anyone except him! It's your business and not anyone else. Trust me when I say that once you open that door and let people in your relationship, they will begin to think that it is their right to bud in your relationship. I learned the hard way to keep my mouth shut and to not talk badly about my bf to anyone. People can feed off that and channel negative energy to you. Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you. Follow your first mind, it will never lead you astray!